>> YOU’RE ALL ANIMALS.
OH BOY, HAH?
HAPPY TUESDAY, EVERYONE,
HAH?
>> HAPPY TUESDAY.
>> LET’S GET INTO T JOE
BIDEN’S POPULARITY IS LIKE
HIS TEETH AT NIGHT, UNDER
WATER.
IF HE SUNK ANY DEEPER, ED
HAVE CRABS, BECAUSE HE’D BE
IN THE SEA WHERE THE CRABS
LIVE.
GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE
GUTTER.
HIS APPROVAL RATING’S AT 39%
EVEN AFTER THE ROE VS. WADE
LEAK WHICH WAS DESIGNED TO
BREATHE LIFE INTO THE
UNCONSCIOUS PRESIDENCY.
IT WAS ONE BIDEN LEAK THAT
DIDN’T DEMAND A CHANGE OF
PANTS.
BUT IT STILL DIDN’T WORK.
IN FACT, THANKS TO IDIOTS
HEADING TO THE JUSTICES’
HOUSES LIKE THEY WERE
INVITED TO A BARBECUE T
QUICKLY -- IT QUICKLY TURNED
INTO A FREAK SHOW BUT WITH
MORE BEARDED LADIES.
UNDERRATED, BY THE WAY.
WHEN YOU SOUGHT PROTESTS,
YOU PROBABLY -- WHEN YOU SAW
THE PROTESTS, YOU PROBABLY
LIKE THEIR MOMMIES WISHED
THEY WERE PRO-ABORTION LIKE
THEIR OFFSPRING.
WHY NOT?
THAT’S HOW YOU SUPPORT THEM.
YOU’RE REMINDED PRO-CHOICE
DOESN’T ALWAYS MEAN CHOOSING
SOAP AND WATER.
THE WORST STAT OF ALL, THIS
JAW-DROPPING ONE FROM NBC
NEWS.
75% OF THE POPULATION THINKS
THIS COUNTRY IS GOING IN THE
WRONG DIRECTION.
THAT’S ASTOUNDING.
YOU COULDN’T GET MORE
AGREEMENT FROM A ROOM OF
CHILDREN IF YOU YELLED "WHO
WANTS ICE CREAM AND NO
HOMEWORK?"
MEANWHILE, 16% THINK THE
COUNTRY IS HEADED IN THE
RIGHT DIRECTION, WHICH RAISES THE QUESTION, WHO THE
RAISES THE QUESTION, WHO THE HELL IS THIS 16%?
HA-HA, HA-HA, HA-HA.
JUST AS I SUSPECTED, A CNN
PRODUCTION MEETING.
SO WE LIVE IN POLARIZING
TIMES, WE’RE TOLD AND THE
POLARIZATION IS DRIVEN BY
THE MEDIA THAT DOES TALL CAN
TO KEEP US AT EACH OTHER’S
THROATS.
THEY SEE EVERYTHING THROUGH
THE LENS OF IDENTITY
POLITICS AND EVERYWHERE THEY
LOOK EXCEPT IN THE MIRROR IS
PROOF OF RACISM.
I THOUGHT THAT WOULD DESTROY
AMERICA.
BUT INSTEAD, IT’S DESTROYING
THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY IN
PLACES LIKE CNN AND MSNBC
BECAUSE THEY’RE LOSING
VIEWERS AND IT’S CREATED
UNITY, A NEAR UNANIMOUS
BELIEF THAT THE COUNTRY IS
GOING IN THE WRONG
DIRECTION.
CONGRATS TO SLEEPY JOE FOR
BRINGING THE COUNTRY
TOGETHER ON SOMETHING OTHER THAN A DESIRE TO TAKE AWAY
THAN A DESIRE TO TAKE AWAY
HIS CAR KEYS.
WHEN YOU HAVE 80% SAY WE’RE
GOING OFF A CLIFF, THAT’S
NOT POLARIZATION BUT A
REALIZATION WE’RE HEAD
NOTHING PLACE GOOD.
SERIOUSLY, WHEN YOUR CAR IS
BARRELING TOWARD THE GRAND
CANYON U DON’T ARGUE ABOUT
CHANGING THE -- YOU DON’T
ARGUE ABOUT CHANGING THE
RADIO STATION UNLESS IT’S
PLAYING MAROON 5, THEN YOU
MIGHT SPEED UP.
SEE, THE PARTY THIS CHARGE
SUFFERS FROM A WEIRD FLAW, A
LACK OF IMAGINATION THEM
CAN’T SEE AHEAD OF
THEMSELVES.
THE PROBLEMS WE EXPERIENCE
ARE OBVIOUS, HIGH CRIME,
HIGH INFLATION AND HIGH
ILLEGAL IMMIGRATION AND YET
THE PROBLEMS DON’T EXIST
UNTIL THEY BECOME POLITICAL
ONES.
THEY SIMPLY DO NOT EXIST
UNTIL THEY CREATE A RISK FOR
LOSING POWER, BUT THEN IT’S
TOO LATE, SO THEY SCREAM
RACISM.
WHAT’S THIS DO TO THE PARTY
IN POWER?
IT MAKES THEM ILL-EQUIPPED
TO PREVENT OR SOLVE AN
ACTUAL PROBLEM.
THOSE MUSCLES HAVE ATROPHIED
FROM MISUSE.
TAKE CRIME, APPARENTLY IT
DOESN’T EXIST UNTIL IT ASKS
POLLING OR THEIR OWN
PERSONAL SAFETY, NOT YOURS,
THEN THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY
ACTS LIKE MY STOMACH WHEN I
HAVE DAIRY.
ONCE YOU DO DO IT, YOU NO
LONGER HAVE TIME TO DEAL
WITH IT.
THEY SHOUT THE POLICE COULD
WIN BIG-CITY VOTERS BUT WHAT
DO YOU TELL THE SAME VOTERS
AFTER THE ELECTION WHEN
THEIR NEIGHBORHOOD IS
BURNING LIKE THE RASH I GOT
FROM SHARING JESSE’S GYM
TOWEL.
AS LONG AS THE ELECTION IS
FAR AWAY, THEN CRIME CAN
CONTINUE.
ANYTHING BAD COULD GET YOU
IN.
THE DEMS BEING THE MAJORITY,
JOE’S PRESIDENCY OR THE SETH
MEYER SHOW.
HE’S ON LATE NIGHT IF YOU
DON’T KNOW WHO HE IS AND
SUDDENLY AS THE MIDTERMS
LOOM, THEY PANIC.
CRIME MATTERS, SO DOES GAS
PRICES AND SO DOES GETTING
FOOD ON THE TABLE.
THEN THEM MIMIC REPUBLICANS,
HEY, WE’RE ANTI-CRIME, TOO.
WE NEED MORE COPS.
THEY’RE LIKE THE MOB GUY
THAT BREAKS ALL THE WINDOWS
IN YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD AND
HAPPENS TO BE THE OWNER OF
THE NEW GLASS SHOP THAT
OPENS AROUND THE CORNER.
YOU GET THIS, BECAUSE YOU’RE
NOT A POLITICIAN.
YOU HAVE A REAL JOB.
WHEN FACED WITH A PROBLEM
THAT NEEDS FIXING, YOU FIX
IT RIGHT AWAY BECAUSE YOU
HAVE A BOSS, DEADLINES, JOB
REVIEWS AND PRIDE.
YOU DON’T HAVE THE LUXURY OF
A POLITICAL MACHINE THAT
MAKES SURE YOU COULD KEEP
YOUR JOB EVERY TWO OR EVERY
FOUR YEARS.
FOR DEMOCRATS, THEY ONLY
WORK WHEN THEY ARE
CAMPAIGNING, AND WINNING AN
ELECTION IS A REMINDER THAT
IT’S TIME TO RELAX AND DO
NOTHING.
JUST WHEN YOU ROLL UP YOUR
SLEEVES, THEY ROLL THEIRS
BACK DOWN.
WHAT’S JOE GOT TO SAY?
>> NO, NO, NO, NO.
LOOK.
LOOK, 39, THOSE NUMBERS
AREN’T SO BAD.
I MEAN -- THAT GUY BRANDON,
YOU HAVE TO REMEMBER,
BRANDON PROBABLY HAS 35
APPROVAL.
THE THING YOU HAVE TO
REMEMBER IS I’M BRANDON, ALL
RIGHT?
ALL THAT STUFF, "LET’S GO
BRANDON.
LET’S GO BRANDON," YOU HAVE
TO GIVE THAT NUMBER TO ME SO
39 AND, UM, YOU KNOW,
BRANDON SO WE’RE UP AT ABOUT
74.
AND THEN 10% FOR THE BIG GUY
AND WE’RE OVER 80.
COME ON, MAN! >> Greg: YES!
>> Greg: YES!
[APPLAUSE]
I SUPPOSE THIS IS WHY TRUMP
CAME ACROSS SO UNUSUALLY.
HE WAS ALWAYS IN CAMPAIGN
MODE OR WHAT WE WOULD CALL
WORK MODE ALMOST ALL THE
TIME.
HE ENTERED THE JOB TO WORK.
WHAT A NOVEL CONCEPT THAT
WAS.
A POLITICIAN ELECTED BY THE
PEOPLE WORKING TIRELESSLY
FOR THE PEOPLE WHO ELECTED
HIM.
NO WONDER ALL THE LAZY
BASTARDS HATED HIM. LET’S WELCOME TONIGHT’S
LET’S WELCOME TONIGHT’S
GUESTS.
SHE TALKS FASTER THAN THE
GUY LISTING THE SIDE EFFECTS
ON A DRUG COMMERCIAL.
EMILY.
EVEN IF YOU HATE MUSICALS,
HE’LL MAKE YOU A FAN OF
OKLAHOMA, OKLAHOMA GOP
CANDIDATE FOR U.S. SENATE
SHANNON.
SHE AIMS TO DECEIVE WHICH IS
WHY A YAK GREW HER WEAVE,
FOX’S CONTRIBUTOR KAT TIMPF.
WHEN HE DONATES BLOOD, THE
RED CROSS TAKES A TWO-WEEK
VACATION, MY SIDEKICK AND
THE NWA WORLD CHAMPION
TYRUS.
EMILY, LONG TIME NO SEE.
>> BEEN A LONG FIVE MINUTES.
>> IT REALLY HAS.
WE JUST DID THE FIVE HOURS
TOGETHER.
IT WAS REALLY, REALLY GREAT,
YEAH.
I’M TOTALLY LYING.
DO YOU FEEL THE COUNTRY IS
GOING IN THE WRONG
DIRECTION?
IS IT SALVAGEABLE?
YOU HAVE 10 MINUTES.
>> I ALWAYS HOLD OUT HOPE.
YOU KNOW I’M AN OPTIMISTIC
PERSON.
I THINK IT’S SALVAGEABLE
BUT, YES, I THINK IT’S
HEADED IN THE WRONG
DIRECTION.
THE REST OF THE 78+% OF THE
COUNTRY THAT FEEL THE SAME
WAY I DO REPRESENT THE
LOWEST MARKS IN BIDEN’S
TENURE THUS FAR.
THE NUMBER THAT STANDS OUT
TO ME IS THE 65% OF
AMERICANS THINK THEIR LEVEL
OF INCOME IS FALLING BEHIND
THE COST OF LIVING.
THE MOST IMPORTANT THING TO
THEM RIGHT NOW IS THE COST
OF LIVING FOLLOWED BY THE
ECONOMY AND JOBS.
IT’S NOT SPELLING WOMEN WITH
AN X LIKE MICHELLE OBAMA
WOULD HAVE YOU KNOW, RIGHT.
IT’S NOT PUTTING CRT IN THE
SCHOOL CURRICULUM LIKE
PELOSI WOULD HAVE YOU THINK.
THE REAL AMERICANS WHOSE
PRIORITIES ARE LIBERTY,
FAITH, FAMILY AND FREEDOM
AND BEING ABLE TO EARN YOUR
LIVING UNINCUMBERED BY THE
GOVERNMENT AND THE SCRIPT
KEEPER WHO RUNS IT BELIEVE
IT’S UNSALVAGABLE.
WHAT THESE NUMBERS REPRESENT
TO ME IS THE CLUSTER, THE
LAST TIME IT WAS THIS BAD
WAS IN 2008.
THAT’S WHEN RAIDERS HAD 5-11
RECORD.
THEREFORE THERE’S ONLY WAY
TO GO UP BY UP.
IT MAKES SENSE IN MY HEAD.
>> Greg: THE RAIDERS, ARE
THEY STILL AROUND?
>> YES!
BEING AMAZING EVERY DAY.
>> THEY’RE IN VEGAS RIGHT NOW, GUTFELD!
NOW, GUTFELD!
GREGG>> Greg: THAT’S WHERE THEY
BELONG IS IN VEGAS.
BECAUSE WHATEVER STAYS IN
VEGAS -- WHATEVER.
>> WHATEVER HAPPENS IN VEGAS
STAYS IN VEGAS.
>>
>> Greg: THERE YOU GO.
WHY IS IT THAT THE DEMOCRATS
DON’T CARE ABOUT THE ISSUE
UNTIL IT’S A POLITICAL ONE?
DRIVES ME CRAZY.
LIFE WOULD BE EASIER IF THEY
TRIED TO SOLVE THINGS.
>> THERE’S NO DOUBT.
THE DEMOCRATS HAVE ONE
MOTIVE AND ONE MOTIVE ONLY
AND THEY’VE BEEN EXPOSED FOR
IT.
DONALD TRUMP DID A GREAT JOB
OF EXPOSING THE DEMOCRATS.
WHAT WE FIGURED OUT IS THEY
HAVE ONE MISSION.
THEY’RE GOING AFTER OUR
CHILDREN.
THE DEMOCRATS ARE AFTER OUR
CHILDREN OF AMERICA WHETHER
IT’S CRT OR THIS GENDER
CONFUSION.
THEY’RE TRYING TO CREATE A
COUNTRY WHERE WE FORGET WHO
WE ARE.
WE TALK A LOT ABOUT MAKING
AMERICA GREAT AGAIN BUT YOU
HAVE TO ASK YOURSELF WHAT
MADE THIS COUNTRY GREAT TO
START WITH?
THE THINGS THAT MADE THIS
COUNTRY GREAT ARE THE THREE
C’S, OUR CONSTITUTION,
CAPITALISM AND CHRISTIANITY
FOR RELIGIOUS LIBERTIES.
THAT’S THE REASON THIS
COUNTRY IS GREAT.
THAT’S WHY WE HAVE 1 MILLION
PEOPLE THAT IMMIGRATE TO
THIS COUNTRY LEGALLY AND 2.5
ARE TRYING TO GET HERE
ILLEGALLY.
A FEW MONTHS AGO, WE SAW
PEOPLE LITERALLY GRASPING
ONTO THE WINGS OF AIRPLANES
TO GET TO THIS COUNTRY AND
SAW MOTHERS HANDING THEIR
BABIES A NEWBORN CHILD TO A
SOLDIER THAT HAD AN M16 ON
HIS HIP.
SHE DIDN’T KNOW THAT MAN OR
ANYTHING ABOUT HIM.
THE ONLY THING SHE KNEW IS
HE HAD THE OLD RED, WHITE
AND BLUE ON HIS SHOULDER AND
SHE KNEW IF THE CHILD COULD
GET HERE T WOULD BE
FANTASTIC.
DEMOCRATS WANT TO REWRITE
OUR HISTORY SO MAKE US A
SOCIAL AGENDA LOOKING MORE
LIKE EUROPE.
WE’RE NOT.
THAT’S NOT WHAT AMERICA HAS
EVER BEEN.
THAT’S NOT WHAT WE’LL BE AS
LONG AS WE HAVE PEOPLE ON
THE RIGHT --
>> Greg: MY THREE C’S ARE
CAPTAIN, CRUNCH --
>> THEY’RE NOT!
YOU’RE LYING.
>> Greg: I LOVE CAPTAIN
CRUNCH!
>> WHICH KIND?
>>
>> Greg: I THINK YOU WOULD
BE A GREAT CAPTAIN.
>> I THINK SO TOO.
>> Greg: THE LADY OVER
HERE, EMILY, WAS TALKING
ABOUT HOW THE DEMOCRATIC
PARTY IS FOCUSING ON OTHER
WEIRD [BLEEP] LIKE X IN
WOMEN AND STUFF LIKE THAT.
THIS IS YOUR WHEELHOUSE,
THIS IS WHAT YOU ALWAYS
TALKED ABOUT, YOUR
WHEELHOUSE EXPERTISE.
YOU GLARED AT ME.
DO NOT THROW A GLARE AT ME.
>> GET USED TO THE GLARES BY
NOW.
I’VE BEEN GLARING AT YOU FOR
HOW MANY YEARS?
EIGHT YEARS?
THEY LIVE IN THE FANTASY
WORLD WHERE THERE’S NOT REAL
ISSUES.
THEY DON’T WANT TO DEAL WITH
ANYTHING.
EVEN WHEN THEY’RE GIVEN THE
OPPORTUNITY TO GIVE
SOLUTIONS, IT’S NOT IN THEIR
WHEELHOUSE, AS YOU SAID.
THEY WILL NOT OWN TO IT.
THEY JUST POINT FINGERS.
YOU DON’T ELECT SOMEONE TO
TELL YOU WHOSE FAULT IT IS.
MY MOTHER ALWAYS SAID, I
DON’T CARE WHOSE FAULT IT
IS, WHO IT GOING TO CLEAN UP
THE LIVING ROOM WITH THE
BROKEN FURNITURE IN IT?
THAT WAS THE SOLUTION.
MY BROTHER AND I CLEANED IT
UP.
WE HAVE NO SOLUTIONS IN THIS
COUNTRY.
EMILY IS OPTIMISM.
I’M NOT.
I’M LOOKING AT THE NEXT TWO
YEARS ARE GOING TO BE EVEN
WORSE.
WE’RE GOING TO SEE MORE
RIDICULOUSNESS.
MORE REFUSAL TO MAKE CHANGES
AND TRYING TO JUMP ON THINGS
LIKE THE LEAK AND MAKING
THAT THE ELECTION ISSUE.
THEY’RE HOPING THAT MORE
PEOPLE CARE ABOUT YOUR RIGHT
TO CHOICE OPPOSED TO HIGH
CRIME, INFLATION, POOR
EDUCATION, NOT HAVING
ANYTHING IN THE HOUSE.
THAT’S WHAT THEY’RE HOPING
WILL WIN THE ELECTION.
SO THERE’S NO ATTEMPT TO TRY
TO FIX REAL PROBLEMS.
THEY’RE GOING TO STAY OVER
THERE, AND I DON’T SEE THEM
BUDGING.
>> Greg: INTERESTING.
KAT, IT’S KIND OF AMAZING WE
ALMOST HAVE 80% OF AMERICA
AGREEING ON ONE THING.
THAT ALMOST NEVER HAPPENS,
RIGHT?
WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME 80%,
75% OR 80% EVER AGREED ON
ANYTHING OTHER THAN THAT I’M
AWESOME?
AND THAT YOU OWE EVERYTHING TO ME.
TO ME.
THAT’S UP AROUND 90%S 90 PERCENT
PERCENT.
>> YOU’VE BEEN LISTENING TO
MY INNER MONOLOGUE?
JUST KIDDING.
I DID IT ALL MYSELF.
LOOK, BECAUSE IT’S PRETTY
OBVIOUS AND I THINK THE
WORST PART IS IS THAT THE
GOVERNMENT IS SO BIG THAT WE
HAVE TO CARE.
>> Greg: RIGHT.
>> IT WOULDN’T BOTHER ME SO
MUCH IF THE COUNTRY WAS
GOING IN THE WRONG DIRECTION
AND I COULD JUST SAY, "SEE
YOU GUYS!"
BUT THAT’S NOT HOW IT IS.
IT AFFECTS ME DIRECTLY
BECAUSE THE GOVERNMENT IS SO
HUGE.
IF I COULD JUST WALK AROUND,
DO MY OWN THING, MY OWN
MONEY CARRYING MY OWN GUN, I
WOULDN’T CARE.
>> Greg: YES!
>> BUT I CAN’T DO ANY OF
THOSE THINGS.
DOES THAT REALLY BOTHER
PEOPLE AS MUCH AS SHOULD?
I DON’T REALLY KNOW.
>> Greg: THIS IS WHY YOU
COULD NO LONGER -- IT SUCKS
BECAUSE YOU COULD NO LONGER
BE A SMALL GOVERNMENT PERSON
ANYMORE.
IT’S LIKE -- THAT ARGUMENT’S
OVER.
SO IT’S LIKE -- LIKE FOR
EXAMPLE F I WANT TO MOVE TO
THE WOODS OR WHATEVER, GET
AWAY FROM EVERYTHING,
GOVERNMENT IS STILL GOING TO
COME AND GET YOU BECAUSE
IT’S THAT BLOATED.
IT’S THAT BIG.
>> MY NEW COUNTRY, KATISTAN!
I NEED TO START THAT.
EVERYONE IS FREE IN
KATISTAN.
>> Greg: WHERE WILL IT BE?
>> I’LL START IT AT MY
APARTMENT.
>> ARE YOU GOING TO BUILD A
WALL?
>> HOW MUCH REAL ESTATE CAN
I GET FOR KATISTAN?
SO FAR I NEED TO OWN ONE
PROPERTY.
I’M WORKING ON IT.
>> Greg: I’D ROOT FOR YOU
NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS.
THERE’S NOTHING WRONG WITH
HER.
UP NEXT, SHOULD COMPANY THAT
HAS STOCK SHELVES KEEP THEIR POLITICIANS TO THEMSELVES?