Yo, what up fam?
It's your girl, Jessica Marie Garcia.
And I’m Julissa Calderon.
Welcome to our favorite time of the week.
This is--
Go Off!
It’s a sketch comedy show
where we embarrass ourselves while you laugh at us from your mobile device.
So let's get into it.
Go Off!
Julissa, as you know, I am a reality TV show junkie.
And I am obsessed with “Selling Sunset” on Netflix.
Girl.
It is the level of petty I aspire to be.
Call me Petty Boop.
And I will.
Well, the new season just launched and the show
actually sent us some deleted scenes that didn't make the cut.
- What? - You want to see that shit?
Yeah, apparently a few new cast members were cut, too.
-Let’s take a look. I heard they were good. -Me, too.
The Oppenheim Group is in its highest demand yet,
so we needed some help with all our amazing listings.
This season, we brought on three new ladies to the team:
Vanessa,
Ashley,
and Genesys.
Hi, I'm Ashley.
I'm really excited to join the team.
Chrishell brought me on.
We've been friends from Kentucky for a while.
I'm really sorry these lights are really bright.
Is there any way that we could, um--?
You, uh--
You actually look pretty great.
See?
Is that what I look like?
I look fucking amazing.
I am so excited to have my girl here from back home.
We went to Murray State together and she's so down to earth.
I'm Ashleighye.
I'm a badass bitch
who brings the “can do” from CAN-tucky.
How's that?
Maybe I should do it again.
I should probably do it again because I feel like this titty is a little lower.
My favorite part about real estate
is creating the story of a home.
[In Spanish] I come from the soap opera world in Mexico,
so I bring the same magic of building a fantasy to my buyers...
...a fantasy they can buy.
I've known Vanessa for ten years.
We were in “Una Maid En Manhattan”
together.
Together.
Yeah!
I heard there’s another actress on the show.
I can't wait to meet her!
Ha! To “meet” me?
Oh hell no, bitch.
It's a tough, competitive market, so
I feel like it's my duty to help Ash, and pass the baton.
OMG Chrish, it's so good to see you.
Yeah, I'm so excited you joined the team.
Let me catch you up.
Oh, no need.
This bitch is here for three things:
getting dollars,
getting dates,
and getting...
dollars.
I don't like that. Can I do that again?
Who are you talking to?
Getting Dolce,
getting debt free,
getting double--
Ha! Getting double D’s!
OK, I'm ready.
This is supposed to just be a real conversation.
And I'm the realest bitch you know.
Hi, so nice to meet you!
So that's how you're going to play it.
OK, I see you.
Have we met?
I'm Vanessa.
She thinks I don't know this game, huh?
I invented this game!
I'm Genesys.
That's a beautiful name.
Thank you?
She's better than I thought.
Why are we selling this shack?
That's a 100 million dollar property.
The only person that could even afford that is like Jeff Bezos.
Well, Jeff can “Bezos” this ass!
(laughing maniacally)
That’s Spanish.
You're not supposed to look into the camera.
That's Spanish.
Can we get another ring light in here?
Look,
I don't want to keep avoiding the elephant in the room.
I was a new addition to the cast,
I threatened your longevity on the show.
You don't have to be intimidated anymore.
We can both share the spotlight.
Like long lost sisters...
...who never knew about each other...
...until now.
[In Spanish] Sister!
[In Spanish] I’ve missed you so much!
[In Spanish] I never thought I’d see you again!
[In Spanish] Why did they separate us all this time?
What’s happening?
[In Spanish] Why, sister? Why??!
Are you okay?
[In Spanish] Why?!?
[In Spanish] Look, the same face.
[In Spanish] We’re twins!
[In Spanish] Together forever.
Did you guys all get this?
OK, great, great.
Good job.
And THAT...
is how you do it.
No.
I don't feel safe.
I was really excited to have Ashley on the show.
I'm just not sure it's the best idea.
OK. OK.
Enough.
For her sake.
These bitches better get out of my way
because ain't nothing--
ain’t nothing going to stop me
from selling my way
to the top.
- I’m done with this shit. - Let’s go to lunch.
Guys, why are the lights out?
Hello?
Guys, the lights are out on Ashleighye.
OK. OK, OK.
For real, for real.
I got excited, I am the biggest fan of “Casa De Papel.”
What’s that?
Uh! You know. Money Heist.
Oh yeah!
You see, my Netflix translates it into Spanglish to “Heist De Dinero.”
So weird.
-Heist. -Heist De Dinero.
Well listen, with the show wrapping up, we wondered what a spin off series
might look like.
Picture this:
All new cast.
All new masks.
All new “locación.”
But the exact same plot, because that's how Hollywood works.
Here's a sneak peek.
When the story started,
I went by a different name.
But now everyone calls me:
Cleveland.
How would you like to steal a shit ton of money?
From where?
Wall Street.
Like the actual street or like a building?
What?
Cause like the stock market is kind of theoretical.
I mean, yes, the building, are you in?
I should have invested in Bitcoin six years ago
like my cousin in Buffalo told me to.
But I didn't listen.
‘Cause he's from Buffalo.
So I said:
Ummmm,
I'm still unclear on the concept.
But okay.
I’m in.
First, I met the team.
Boise.
Peoria.
Newark.
Jacksonville.
And Kalamazoo.
Teachers says places with affordable housing markets make the best disguises
Next,
we heard the plan.
OK, if we get to the building and there's a guard will deploy the “Party In The USA” plan.
If the guard's asleep, but carrying a gun
we’ll cut the Jay-Z portion of the plan
and change courses to “Operation: Rihanna R8.”
Do you have like a blackboard to write this on?
No need got the whole plan right here.
What?
I can't afford supplies!
But I did get a fuckton of guns.
She thought of everything.
We're going to disguise ourselves
with these.
Really?
They were 2 for 10.
I have no money.
Kind of looks like my dad.
I'm triggered.
Oh, OK.
Does anyone have health insurance?
OK.
Socialist.
OK, no one get shot.
OK, you need to start thinking about
what you're going to do with your cut of the money.
Who here has opened--
a Roth IRA?
Hi, Jacksonville here.
I have no idea what “roth” is, but I will buy a whole ass country
and that country is going to be Asia.
What about you, Teach?
After I pay off my student loan debt, I'll probably have enough for...
a sandwich.
But nothing could prepare us for what was coming.
Where the fuck is your mask?
I don't wear masks!
What?
Freedom!
He’s been shot, someone call an ambulance! Help!
You know I don't have insurance.
I thought we'd be stealing crypto.
What the fuck is that?
I want to find out!
If I’m going to afford the American dream...
...I'm going to have to steal it
like everyone else.
God bless America.
How do you identify?
LatinX, Latine, Latina?
I identify as Dominican Barbie CEO.
And you?
I prefer “old bitch.”
No, but for real.
We know that identifiers constantly evolve in our communities.
And listen, we respect whatever you want to identify as.
Absolutely. This is the house of “Inclusiva.”
But listen,
we got to admit the fight over who's right or wrong
that shit is played out.
It should honestly be made into, like, some superhero show.
As a matter of fact,
I think it is.
Hmmm.
Breaking news.
A blue faced assailant
armed with an ice ray
is trapping council members
inside City Hall.
With the police force frozen in place, the council awaits their last hope:
The LatinX-Men.
City Hall is under attack!
LatinX-Men:
Unite!
Let's g--
Hey, hey, whoa,
before we go,
quick question:
Do we have to be the “Latin” X-Men?
Not again.
Why can't we just be the X-Men?
Because the X-Men already exist.
Now let’s--
OK, I'll just say it:
I got a problem with the “x.”
Oh Jesus...
Is it “Latin-equis?”
“La-tinks?”
Pronounce it however you want!
The City Council is in trouble!
You can't conjugate an “x.”
X-Men is not a verb, pendejo.
It’s pende-ja.
It seems that Dr. Ice is literally covering City Hall in an igloo.
Come on, guys.
Also,
not to state the obvious, but:
we’re not all men!
I understand.
And we can absolutely circle back.
But City Hall--
Olé!
Not now, Torero!
Didn’t we vote him out?
Who keeps telling him where we are?
But I taught you everything you know.
Torero:
Out!
How dare you.
Everyone:
into the El Camino!
Dr. Ice has finished encasing
City Hall
with hundreds of people trapped inside.
With no sign of the LatinX-Men,
he's even had time to--
(ding ding)
make paletas?
Paletas?
I want one!
Hey guys?
How come Rogue didn’t have to Spanishize her name?
Stop
saying
guys!
What do you mean “why?”
Look at her.
Wow!
For the last time:
I don’t have it easier than you.
Do you know how confusing it is
whenever Rogue Rogue and I
show up at the same crime scene?
“No, where are you from from?”
I’m Un Ojo.
If anyone gets to change their name,
it should be me!
Finally!
The LatinX-Men are here!
Wait,
before we get out--
You heard her.
Hundreds of people are trapped!
Toootally.
But first, let's take a quick vote.
Who likes:
“Los Latinos?”
I was thinking:
“The Latins.”
Oh, oh!
How about:
“The Latine People?”
Huh??
I couldn't even begin to explain that to my abuela...
So I guess they're just not gonna get out of the car?
Oh, thank you.
Silencio! Everyone get the fu--
(knocking)
(indistinct Portuguese)
I-I-I told you guys
to send me the directions in Portuguese!
Carnaval,
we're kind of in the middle of something.
I'm part of this group, too!
(Everyone) Totally. Absolutely. Technically, I guess?
Actually, since you're here,
what do you think if I just went by:
“La Borinqueña?”
That exists!
But what about “La Chicana” for me?
Oh my god, enough already!
Why don't we just go by--
a fuckin’ symbol?
(Everyone) Totally! Yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely!
I was totally kidding.
But if that will get you out of the car,
everybody cool with red, white and green?
La Borinqueña
does not
wear green!
(honking)
With the entire City Council perished
and public opinion firmly on his side,
Dr. Ice is now considering a run for office!
I’ll be honest:
with paletas like these...
...he’ll be hard to beat.
Back to you, Jeff.
(indistinct Portuguese crying)
Oh my God, I can't believe we only have
one more episode left of this season.
It makes me sad, really for real.
But don't worry, we're coming down the chimney with a bang
with sketches and guests and fuck boys aplenty.
Fuck boys aplenty?
Is that a new app?
No, it's Miami Beach on a Friday--
- and Saturdays. - That is fact.
Shit pretty much Monday, Tuesday, Wed--
seven days a week.
- OK? - Sounds like you know the pain.
I can't even get into it. OK? Because it'll just make me...
It just make me...
Go off!
You’re not supposed to look into the camera.
Well, where am I supposed to look then?
Look at your computer.
Your computer’s not even on.
My battery died, okay?
So you’re pretending.
None of this is real.
Help me.