-Now, we are all looking for a tribe.
Before I was a talk show host, I was a cashier.
And before I was a cashier, I was a dancer.
And before that, I was an awkward 12-year-old.
[ Laughter ]
But to fit in with new groups of people,
you're going to need the essentials.
That's why were doing this next bit, "Starter Packs."
[ Cheers and applause ]
Okay. Our first starter pack is the "I'm a gamer" starter pack.
[ Laughter ]
The first thing in it is this chair.
[ Light laughter ] Yeah.
This chair is the height of comfort.
It's ergonomic.
It has a vibrating massage option.
But I should warn you -- no person who has ever
sat in one of these has ever had sex with a woman.
[ Laughter ]
Okay. Up next, you're going to need
some video-game-themed clothing.
That's right. [ Light laughter ]
Any true gamer wears Donkey Kong basketball sneakers.
They won't help you on the basketball court,
they won't help you jump higher,
but they will help you dunk...Oreos into milk.
[ Laughter ]
You'll also need fingerless gloves.
I don't know why you use them.
Maybe you think e-sports is a real sport.
Or maybe you just like the feeling of a keyboard
on your fingers as you leave angry comments
on my YouTube videos. I'm not really sure.
[ Laughter ]
And finally, here's a mansion.
Despite the fact that people will hate on you,
let's be real -- you'll make more money
than anyone from your high school.
[ Laughter and applause ]
"Fortnite" got you out of that fort
in your parents' basement
and into a mega mansion in the Hills.
[ Cheers and applause ] That's right.
So keep slaying -- dragons or whatever it is you guys do.
[ Laughter ]
Next, we have the "Dropping out of college
to pursue an acting career" starter pack.
[ Cheers and applause ]
There's a lot of them here tonight.
[ Laughter ]
First, a decade's worth of improv classes.
[ Laughter ] Yep.
Every actor signs up for improv classes
where you learn how to say "Yes, and..."
while everyone in the industry says, "No, period."
[ Laughter and applause ]
Next is a headshot. Every actor needs one.
But unfortunately, that guy you met at 7-Eleven
wasn't actually a photographer,
and you didn't have to pose nude.
[ Audience groans ]
Next is an empty photo frame.
Because even though you haven't hit it big yet,
one day, you will, and you'll want to frame
a photo of your greatest role -- a dead body on "Law and Order."
[ Laughter ]
Finally, a dreamcatcher,
because you're actually out here chasing your dreams!
Good for you! [ Cheers and applause ]
Good for you!
But here's a tip every actor needs to hear.
Don't do porn. [ Laughter ]
Finally, my favorite.
We have the "I'm a D.J." starter pack.
[ Laughter ]
First thing in this starter pack is a fidget spinner.
[ Light laughter ]
It's for your hands.
Since all you have to do now is hit play,
you'll need something to spin.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Next, is, for some reason, like 50 bracelets.
[ Laughter ]
Now I don't know why but you D.J.s love stacking bracelets
and festival -- festival wristbands.
Take those wristbands off, y'all.
-I'm still wearing my Coachella wristband.
-Are you actually?
-Yeah. -Okay, Daniel,
that was 10 months ago. That's disgusting.
[ Laughter ]
Gosh! [ Laughter ]
And the next thing a D.J. needs, of course, is a Twitter account
where you exclusively tweet out your SoundCloud link.
[ Laughter ]
Diplo finally retweets one of your songs,
and now you get to play at music festivals
and actually sleep with women.
[ Laughter ]
And finally, because now you're playing music festivals,
this starter pack also includes a shot of penicillin.
[ Laughter ]
You might not have an STD now, but you will.
That was "Starter Packs," everybody!
[ Cheers and applause ]