WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW"."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
WELL, I SEE FROM THE LEVEL OF MY XANAX BOTTLE, IT'S BEEN ONE WEEK
SINCE THE ELECTION OF DONALD TRUMP.
OF COURSE, HE IS NOT PRESIDENT YET.
FOR THE NEXT FEW MONTHS, THAT IS BARACK OBAMA, WHO IS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) NICE OF YOU TO APPLAUD FOR HIM,
BECAUSE HE GOT THE HELL OUT OF THE COUNTRY.
HE'S 5,000 MILES AWAY IN ATHENSES, SEEN HERE GETTING A
PREVIEW OF WHAT WASHINGTON WILL LOOK LIKE IN FOUR YEARS.
( APPLAUSE ) MEANWHILE-- IT'S NICE, IT'S
NICE.
SAVES ON MAINTENANCE.
MEANWHILE, SPEAKING OF CRUMBLING RUINS, TRUMP GOT SOME BAD NEWS
TODAY, BECAUSE HERE IN NEW YORK CITY, RESIDENTS OF THREE
APARTMENT BUILDINGS HAVE VOTED TO TAKE THE NAME "TRUMP PLACE"
OFF THEIR BUILDINGS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) JUST CLINK, CLINK, CLINK.
THEY WANT A NAME THAT'S LESS EMBARRASSING, SO THEY USED THE
SAME LETTERS TO SPELL OUT "RECTAL PUMP."
VERY NICE.
>> Jon: I SEE THAT?
>> Stephen: YEAH.
WHICH IS WHERE TRUMP GETS MOST OF HIS IDEAS.
TRUMP'S TRANSITION INTO OFFICE SEEMS TO BE GOING A LITTLE
ROUGH, BECAUSE HE HAS FIRED THE HEAD OF HIS TRANSITION SEAM,
CHRIS CHRISTIE, AND REPLACED BY MIKE PENCE.
AND, APPARENTLY, THE SACKING WAS ORDERED BY TRUMP'S SON-IN-LAW,
JARED KUSHNER, SEEN HERE FIRING YOUR DAD ONE DAY BEFORE
CHRISTMAS.
SO THE SOIM, WHO HAS THE RULER'S EAR IS PURGING THOSE WHO WRONGED
HIS FAMILY.
THIS IS LIKE "GAME OF THRONES," EXCEPT I DEFINITELY DON'T WANT
TO IMAGINE ANY OF THESE PEOPLE HAVING SEX.
I JUST WANT TO TAKE A SECOND.
JARED, I KNOW YOU'RE TRYING TO CONNECT WITH YOUR WIFE'S DAD,
BUT CAN'T YOU DO NORMAL SON-IN-LAW THINGS.
JUST DRIVE TO HOME DEPOT WHILE READING SIGNS OUT LOUD, OR
WATCHING A COLLEGE FOOTBALL GAME IN SILENCE.
THERE'S GOT TO BE SOMETHING YOU HAVE IN COMMON.
HEY, YOU BOTH THINK IVANKA'S HOT!
TALK ABOUT THAT ♪ COLD-BLOODED ♪
WE'RE NOT-- WE'RE NOT-- WE'RE NOT MAKING THAT UP, BY THE WAY.
I DIDN'T MAKE UP THAT.
SO, WE'RE ALL LEFT GUESSING WHO TRUMP WILL APPOINT TO HIS
CABINET.
YESTERDAY, IT LOOKED LIKE RUDY GUILIANI WAS GOING TO BE
SECRETARY OF STATE.
TODAY, IT SOUNDS LIKE HE'S BACK TO JUST BEING A PAIR OF
CHATTERING TEETH GLUED TO A WHOOPIE CUSHION.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
TODAY, THERE'S SPECULATION THAT TRUMP'S ATTORNEY GENERAL COULD
BE HIS FORMER ENEMY, TED CRUZ AFTER CRUZ WAS SEEN EXITING
TRUMP TOWER YESTERDAY.
APPARENTLY, REPORTERS ARE JUST HANGING AROUND THE LOBBY OF
TRUMP TOWER, MAKING GUESSES BASED ON WHO WALKS IN AND OUT
THE DOOR.
( LAUGHTER ) MY MONEY'S ON ATTORNEY GENERAL
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
BUT, JUST IN CASE, IF IT IS TED CRUZ, HOW WOULD THAT WORK?
WOULD PRESIDENT TRUMP CALL HIM ATTORNEY GENERAL "LYIN' TED
CRUZ"?
OR IS IT "LYIN' ATTORNEY GENERAL TED CRUZ"?
I'M NOT SURE WHAT THE PROPER NAME IS.
EITHER WAY, AS ATTORNEY GENERAL, CRUZ COULD FINALLY GET TO THE
BOTTOM OF JUST WHY HIS DAD KILLED J.F.K.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
GOTTA FIND OUT.
HE'S THE MAN.
TODAY, DONALD TRUMP ASSURED THE PUBLIC THINGS ARE UNDER CONTROL
THROUGH HIS OFFICIAL SPOKES-TWITTER, SAYING, "VERY
ORGANIZED PROCESS TAKING PLACE AS I DECIDE ON MY CABINET AND
MANY OTHER POSITIONS.
I AM THE ONLY ONE WHO KNOWS WHO THE FINALISTS ARE!"
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YES!
TRUMP, ONLY TRUMP, ONLY TRUMP THE MAG I WAS IN KNOWS WHO THE
FINALLESTS ARE.
HE'S GOING TO REVEAL THE WINNERS IN A DRAMATIC CEREMONY IN THE
ROSE GARDEN.
"RUDY GUILIANI, YOU'RE HERE FOR THE RIGHT REASONS.
WILL YOU ACCEPT THIS STATE DEPARTMENT?"
TRUMP ALSO TWEETED ABOUT CLINTON WINNING THE POPULAR VOTE: "IF
THE ELECTION WERE BASED ON TOTAL POPULAR VOTE, I WOULD HAVE
CAMPAIGNED IN NEW YORK, FLORIDA AND CALIFORNIA AND WON EVEN
BIGGER AND MORE EASILY."
SEE, HE DIDN'T EVEN WANT TO WIN THE POPULAR VOTE, JUST LIKE I
DIDN'T WANT A DATE FOR PROM.
( LAUGHTER ) FREES YOU UP TO MAKE OUT WITH
ANY GIRL THERE.
IF I WANTED TO, BUT I DIDN'T FEEL LIKE IT.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, I THINK THAT FOR THE
PRESIDENT-ELECT TO BE TWEETING AT ALL, IT'S JUST WEIRD.
IT JUST FEELS STRANGE, DOESN'T IT?
( APPLAUSE ) SO WHY IS TRUMP DOING IT?
WELL, A MEMBER OF THE TRANSITION TEAM SAYS HE HAS A VERY GOOD
REASON.
>> WELL, I CAN TELL YOU THIS: THE PRESSURE THAT HAS GOT TO BE
ON PRESIDENT-ELECT TRUMP IS IMMENSE, THE ENORMITY OF THE JOB
AHEAD OF HIM.
AND SO I WOULD HAVE TO SAY IF THIS IS HIS WAY OF RELAXING, GOD
BLESS HIM.
>> RELAXING?
>> ABSOLUTELY.
IF THIS IS WHAT HE HAS SOME FUN WITH AND HE FINDS THIS RELAXING
AND HIS ENTERTAINMENT, LET HIM GO WITH IT.
>> Stephen: IS THIS REALLY HOW WE'RE GOING TO TREAT THE
COMMANDER IN CHIEF?
"HE LIKES IT.
IT'S FUN.
OKAY?
LET HIM PLAY WITH THE BUTTON.
IT CALMS HIM DOWN.
IT'S SHINY AND RED LIKE A TOY!" HHE PAWS AT IT.
IT RELAXES TO HIM?
WHAT HAPPENED TO GERMANY?
HE'S RELAXED ANYWAY."
NOW, I'M GOING TO CALL (BLEEP) ON THIS.
( APPLAUSE ) TWITTER ISN'T TRUMP'S
ENTERTAINMENT.
IT'S HIS WAY AROUND THE PRESS.
AND TRUMP ISN'T JUST DUCK THE PRESS ONLINE.
HE'S ALSO DITCHING THEM IN THE REAL WORLD.
AS THE PRESIDENT-ELECT, DONALD TRUMP IS SUPPOSED TO REMAIN WITH
WHAT'S CALLED A PROTECTIVE PRESS POOL, WHICH EXISTS TO DOCUMENT
THE MOVEMENTS OF THE PRESIDENT, PARTICULARLY IF THERE'S
SOMETHING UNEXPECTED OR SIGNIFICANT HAPPENING.
REPORTERS NEED TO BE WITH THE PRESIDENT IN CASE SOMETHING
CATASTROPHIC HAPPENS.
I'M SORRY, IN CASE SOMETHING ELSE CATASTROPHIC HAPPENS.
BUT YESTERDAY, YESTERDAY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) CLAPPING FOR CATASTROPHE!
( LAUGHTER ) BUT YESTERDAY DONALD TRUMP AND
HIS FOLKS TOLD REPORTERS HE WAS IN FOR THE NIGHT, THEN WENT OUT
FOR A STEAK DINNER.
THE ONLY WAY WE KNOW IS THAT A REPORTER MANAGED TO GET INTO THE
RESTAURANT BECAUSE SHE MADE A RESERVATION.
DON'T WORRY, JOURNALISTS-- YOU WILL HAVE ACCESS TO THE
PRESIDENT.
JUST TAKE THIS BUZZER AND GO BROWSE BARNES & NOBLE FOR A
WHILE.
IT WILL VIBRATE WHEN YOUR DEMOCRACY IS READY.
( APPLAUSE ) ♪ ♪ ♪
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT.
STICK AROUND.
MARION COTILLARD IS HERE.
DEV PATEL IS HERE.
BUT WHEN WE RETURN, I'LL TALK RUSSIA WITH A SPECIAL CELEBRITY
GUEST.
STICK AROUND.