- Let the record show (bell ringing)
that I am here under protest, (comical upbeat music)
finding the curriculum weak,
the teachers lazy,
and the female portion of the student body
to be, on average,
fives out of 10,
and that's being generous.
Ah, English class,
the period where I can zone out,
draw some D&D maps,
and still somehow pass by reading Cliff notes.
Man, I hate it that they make us do 25 hours
of community service in order to graduate.
Said no one ever.
Guys, I am telling you,
wearing your shirt backwards
is gonna be really big this year.
I see it all over Insta,
all over Snapchat,
my grandma even saw it on Facebook.
I hope over the summer you have performed
a major overhaul of your pedagogical methods,
teacher, and I use the term loosely.
What do you mean, I can't set up a table
out in front of the school
with a big banner that says,
"Dr. Jamerson is a terrible principal.
"Change my mind."
Hey kid, if you need some "help"
with writing an essay this year,
here's my card.
$10 a page,
$20 if you want more than a C plus,
20% upcharge for expedited processing.
Somehow, I got three study hall periods this semester.
Oh well, looks like there'll be plenty of time
for comedic mischief.
Greetings, my classmates,
I assume we have all matured over the summer,
and this year, we'll not pull any pranks,
such as putting eggs in my briefcase.
Man, I cannot wait until drama class,
so I can share all the traumas in my life
under the pretenses of "acting."
You know what drive me to play hard
every single day,
and always give 110%?
It's my dream, man.
My dream of goin' to the NFL,
and gettin' that multi-million dollar contract,
and tellin' this school to (bleep) off
when they come after me for a donation.
Man, I cannot wait until the first band practice
of the year, so I can blast my trumpet aggressively,
and "accidentally" empty my spit valve
onto a freshman.
Wow, senior year of high school.
Just 10 short years ago,
all I cared about was getting some sprinkles
on my ice cream, and getting home in time
to watch Arthur, and now look at me.
One year closer to inevitable death.
That feeling when, after the first day of literature class,
you realize you understand the material
more than the teacher does.
She didn't even know half of the themes and motifs
in "Crime and Punishment," SMH.
Guys, we have got to solve
the bullying crisis
in this school.
I say we confront the bullies
and hug them.
Just, just hug the bullying right out of them.
And if that doesn't work,
I have some friends on the wrestling team
who can choke it out of them.
We all know I'm gonna be the prom king this year, right?
So I gotta start watchin' my figure, man,
I can't have any more of those unhealthy school lunches.
Although, I did see today they're having
fish and chips, and I could use some omega-3s.
Guys, I-- Guys, I am telling you.
Guys, (laughs) guys!
Guys, we have,
guys, we have got to solve, guys!
Guys!