I TELL YA, I FEEL A LITTLE WEIRD.
IT'S A LITTLE ODD TONIGHT BECAUSE
TONIGHT MARKS THE END OF THE PRESIDENCY OF BARACK HUSSEIN
OBAMA, AND WHETHER OR NOT YOU EVER VOTED FOR HIM, WE CAN ALL
AGREE, EIGHT YEARS LATER, IT'S STILL KIND OF CRAZY THAT HIS
MIDDLE NAME IS "HUSSEIN."
I CAN'T BELIEVE HE GOT ELECTED.
( LAUGHTER ) SO MUCH HAS HAPPENED DURING THE
OBAMA YEARS -- THE GREAT RECESSION, THE AFFORDABLE CARE
ACT, THAT BLACK AND BLUE DRESS.
>> JON: IT WAS WHITE AND GOLD!
>> STEPHEN: WE ARE NOT DOING THIS AGAIN!
>> JON: YOU'RE CRAZY!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> STEPHEN: NOW, I TRIED TO COME
UP WITH A WAY TO TALK ABOUT BARACK OBAMA'S LEGACY TONIGHT,
BUT AFTER LOOKING AT THE SCOPE OF HIS PRESIDENCY, I REALIZED
THAT ANYONE WHO THINKS THEY CAN SUM UP THE LAST EIGHT YEARS IN A
FEW MINUTES WOULD HAVE TO BE A DELUSIONAL EGOMANIAC.
>> DID SOMEONE SAY "DELUSIONAL EGOMANIAC?"
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> STEPHEN: WHO'S THAT?
>> IT'S ME.
STEPHEN COLBERT.
TALKING TO YOU LIVE FROM MY CABIN IN THE MOUNTAINS OF
JUSTICE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: UB TALKING TO US
FROM THE PLACE YOU LIVE WITH JON STEWART?
>> YEAH, JON'S SORRY HE CAN'T BE HERE.
HE'S OUT IN THE WOODS, TEACHING A WOUNDED MOOSE TO READ.
>> Stephen: SOUNDS LIKE JOHN.
NOW, IF I REMEMBER CORRECTLY, YOU'RE NOT THE CHARACTER I
PLAYED FOR TEN YEARS ON ANOTHER SHOW?
>> NO.
HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SCREAM AT THE LAWYERS, THAT'S MY
IDENTICAL TWIN COUSIN STEPHEN COLBERT?
I'M STEPHEN COLBERT IT'S EASY TO TELL US APART.
HE HAS A BIRTHMARK THAT LOOKS LIKE MARY KATE.
MINE LOOKS LIKE ASHLEY.
>> Stephen: NOTED.
I'M SORRY.
WELL, DO YOU THINK YOU'VE GOT IT IN YOU TO TALK ABOUT BARACK
OBAMA'S PRESIDENCY?
>> STEPHEN, MY MIDDLE NAME IS "GOT IT IN ME."
>> STEPHEN: OKAY, THEN I'LL STEP ASIDE.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PLEASE WELCOME CONSERVATIVE PUNDIT
STEPHEN COLBERT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪
>> Stephen: YES!
♪ >> Stephen: THANKS, EVERYBODY.
♪ >> HELLO, NATION.
PLEASE, HAVE A SEAT.
YOU DESERVE IT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE "IT GETTERS."
WELL, WELL, WELL...
AT LONG LAST, OUR AMERICA-HATING, SECRET-MUSLIM,
LEAD-FROM-BEHIND, TERRORIST FIST-BUMPING HOPEY-CHANGEY
APOLOGIST-IN-CHIEF IS LEAVING OFFICE.
I'VE GOT JUST ONE THING TO SAY TO HIM, AND IT'S TONIGHT'S
"WERD."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THANKS, OBAMA.
LOOK, I'LL ADMIT, BARACK OBAMA MADE A FEW GOOD CHOICES.
FOR INSTANCE -- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
-- HE EXPANDED THE DRONE PROGRAM, SPIED ON AMERICAN
CITIZENS THROUGH THE N.S.A., LET THE WALL STREET BANKS GET EVEN
BIGGER, AND NEVER CLOSED GUANTANAMO.
BUT OTHER THAN THAT, AND I DON'T WANT TO EXAGGERATE HERE-- EVERY
YEAR OF THE OBAMA REGIME FELT LIKE HE WAS STRANGLING A BALD
EAGLE WITH AN AMERICAN FLAG WHILE TAKING A DUMP ON AN APPLE
PIE.
THAT'S WHY I WANT TO SAY, THANKS, OBAMA.
YOU REMINDED GUYS LIKE ME WHAT WE TRULY STAND FOR-- THE
OPPOSITE OF WHATEVER YOU SAID.
OBAMA SAID HE WAS BORN IN THE UNITED STATES, SO WE SAID HE
WASN'T.
OBAMA SAID WE SHOULD SAVE THE AMERICAN AUTO INDUSTRY, SO WE
SAID, LET IT DIE.
OF COURSE, OPPOSING EVERYTHING HE SAID SOMETIMES MEANT
ABANDONING OUR BELIEFS.
JUST TAKE "OBAMACARE"-- HE SAID IT WAS GOING TO HELP
PEOPLE.
WE SAID THAT WAS SOCIALISM, EVEN THOUGH WE KNOW IT WAS BASED ON
ROMNEYCARE.
( LAUGHTER ) STILL, THROUGHOUT EVERYTHING,
OBAMA WAS OUR NORTH STAR.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WHATEVER HIS POSITION, WE KNEW
TO POINT THE EMOTIONAL NEEDLE IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION.
YOU SAY HE EXPANDED CIVIL RIGHTS BY REPEALING "DON'T ASK DON'T
TELL?" I SAY, JUST IMAGINE YOU'RE A
MARINE PINNED DOWN IN FALLUJAH, AND YOUR BUDDY COMES TO SAVE
YOU, BUT THEN YOU REMEMBER HE KISSES BOYS-- SO YOU SAY FORGET
IT AND JOIN ISIS.
( LAUGHTER ) OH, THE PRESIDENT KILLED BIN
LADEN, YOU SAY?
WELL, I SAY, HE HATED TRADITIONAL MARRIAGE SO MUCH
THAT HE SENT SEAL TEAM SIX TO KILL A GUY WITH THREE WIVES.
BUT NOW THE OBAMA ERA IS COMING TO AN END.
AND ON BEHALF OF EVERYONE WHO OPPOSED YOU, I JUST WANT TO
SAY... PLEASE DON'T GO.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I MEAN, HONESTLY --
WITHOUT YOU, WHAT DO WE BELIEVE?
I MEAN, WE HAD SIX YEARS TO COME UP WITH SOMETHING TO REPLACE
OBAMACARE-- AND THE BEST WE'VE GOT RIGHT NOW IS PAUL RYAN GOING
DOOR TO DOOR WITH A TUB OF FLINTSTONES VITAMINS.
( LAUGHTER ) I KNOW OBAMA WANTED TO BE A
TRANSFORMATIVE PRESIDENT, AND HE WAS -- HE TRANSFORMED ME.
AND NOW I HAVE NO IDEA WHO THAT IS!
( LAUGHTER ) AND NOW, FRANKLY, WITHOUT HIM IN
OPPOSITION, I'M SCARED TO BE ALONE WITH MY OWN THOUGHTS!
IT'S LIKE THAT SONG ABOUT HOW FUN IT IS TO PAVE PARADISE AND
PUT UP A PARKING LOT -- YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'VE GOT TILL
IT'S GONE.
SO, I KNOW, THE CONSTITUTION SAYS YOU'VE GOTTA GO, BUT I'LL
MISS YA.
YOU WERE A WORTHY ADVERSARY, A LEADER OF VISION, PATIENCE,
DIGNITY, PASSION, AND HUMANITY.
AND IT REALLY FELT GOOD FIGHTING FOR THE OPPOSITE OF ALL THAT.
AND WITH OUR NEXT PRESIDENT, I THINK WE WON.
SO FOR THE LAST TIME -- FROM ME, THE REAL STEPHEN COLBERT -- I
JUST WANT TO SAY, THANKS OBAMA.
AND THAT'S "THE WERD."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH THE
OTHER STEPHEN COLBERT AND JOHNNY GALECKI.