It's one thing to be depressed and you still think ‘oh it's because I had the
baby’ but then for somebody to tell you, ‘You know
You have bipolar” it was quite– was hard.
At home, um, it can be scary for my children. There was times where I have been really
scary to the point where I have to be removed
from the situation. My husband said “You just gotta go.” And I got upset that he
was telling me to leave and I went, um, sat in my car and cried for an hour and I came
home and he said to me ‘Do you feel better?” The thing is with my husband is that he
doesn't, he's not me – he doesn't know how it feels. Like I don't want to do that in
front of my kids so it it's hard. And then I pay for it afterwards because I –
that one instant can make everything the next days terrible and the day after
that is even more terrible and it can last a week, it can last two weeks it can
last two months… … it can just be one little thing that sets you off that just,
you can't control and that's the worst part.
There's been so many instances where I sit there and I think ‘I can't believe
you did that, I can't believe you said that,
I can't believe you screamed in the middle of that store to that person.’
There was a situation where they lost my luggage… and we got into it to a
point where I was hollering and a gentleman went up to my husband and said
‘You need to control her or we're going to have to handcuff her and take her out.’
I couldn't stop and I was shaking and I was just so upset. Now you can imagine the
rest of the trip– I don't even remember because it just becomes a blur. In
retrospect it's always in retrospect that you realize that you can't act that
way but you can't help it. But they don't know that. And that's what I'm ashamed of
because I can't I can't control it. How did I get here? How did it
get to a point where I can't control myself?
My kids don't understand what bipolar is. They always say ‘mommy are you in a mood?’
that's how they see it. I think they've realized I'm not as
erratic, I'm lucky that I have medication that seems to be helping me.
My oldest son who's fourteen he's starting to get it. He's just beautiful in his
little heart, he's at that age now where I can actually talk to him. He
understands that there's some days that mom is going to be sad and then some
days she's not. But it doesn't matter every day I'm still mom.
The best thing I do is being a mother. I'm a functioning bipolar person. I do it
and I try to do it… …hurting the least amount of people you can in a day you
know including myself.
[Music]