OF COURSE, ONE OF THE REASONS I ROOTED FOR VILLANOVA IS BECAUSE
THEY'RE A CATHOLIC SCHOOL, AND IF YOU'RE A REGULAR VIEWER, YOU
KNOW THAT I'M A CATHOLIC.
AND IF YOU'RE NOT A REGULAR VIEWER, DON'T WORRY.
AS A CATHOLIC, I'M THE ONE WHO FEELS GUILTY ABOUT IT.
( LAUGHTER ) UNFORTUNATELY, I'M OFTEN TOO
BUSY FOR MY FAVORITE CATHOLIC TRADITIONS-- THE ROSARY,
STATIONS OF THE CROSS, FINDING HIDDEN MESSAGES FROM LEONARDO
DAVINCI IN RENNAISSANCE ARTS.
BUT THE TRADITION I MISS MOST IS CONFESSION.
SO I WAS WONDERING IF RIGHT NOW, I COULD EXAMINE MY CONSCIENCE
RIGHT NOW WITH YOU, THE AUDIENCE.
YOU WON'T TELL ANYBODY, RIGHT?
>> Audience: OF COURSE NOT!
>> Stephen: GOOD.
THIS IS STEPHEN COLBERT'S MIDNIGHT CONFESSIONS.
( APPLAUSE ) ( LAUGHTER )
NOW, FOR THE RECORD, I'M NOT SURE IF THESE ARE TECHNICALLY
SINS, BUT I DO FEEL BAD ABOUT THEM.
OKAY, I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
( LAUGHTER ) FORGIVE ME, AUDIENCE.
BEFORE I PUT CASH IN A TIP JAR, I ALWAYS WAIT UNTIL THE
EMPLOYEES CAN SEE ME DO IT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES, AUDIENCE,
SOMETIMES I GO ON REAL ESTATE WEBSITES AND SEE HOW BIG A HOUSE
I COULD BUY IN MISSOURI.
( APPLAUSE ) I TAKE HOTEL SHAMPOO BOTTLES
WHEN I'M NOT STAYING AT THE HOTEL.
( APPLAUSE ) YESTERDAY, YESTERDAY, I TOLD A
COWORKER SHE HAD THE CUTEST BABY.
BUT REALLY IT WAS MORE OF A SIX.
( LAUGHTER ) ONE TIME IN A STORE, I USED THE
EMPLOYEES-ONLY BATHROOM BY TELLING THEM I WAS A REGIONAL
MANAGER.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) SOMETIMES I'M SO LAZY, I USE
MACHINES TO DO SOMETHING I CAN EASILY DO FOR MYSELF.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( LAUGHTER )
( CLEARS THROAT ) IN REHEARSAL, THAT WAS A SMALLER
DONUT.
( LAUGHTER ) SOMETIMES, AUDIENCE,
SOMETIMES I'LL TALK TO MY PLANTS WHEN I'M LONELY.
AND AFTER A FEW DRINKS, WELL, THE TALKING STOPS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
I'M KIND OF GLAD CHIPOTLE HAS GOTTEN A LOT OF BAD PRESS
BECAUSE IT MAKES THE LINE SHORTER.
( APPLAUSE ) FORGIVE ME, AUDIENCE.
I'M A TRUTHER, BUT ONLY WHEN IT COMES TO "I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S
NOT BUTTER."
WHEN TELEMARKETERS CALL ME AT HOME, I ASK IF THEY CAN HOLD ON
FOR A SECOND, THEN LEAVE THE PHONE OFF THE HOOK AND GO
JOGGING.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I TAKE SALAD BAR SNEEZE GUARDS
AS A PERSONAL CHALLENGE.
( LAUGHTER ) SOMETIMES, ON HOT DAYS, I GO
INTO A GROCERY STORE AND PRETEND TO BE READING THE ICE CREAM
LABELS JUST SO I CAN HOLD THE FREEZER DOOR OPEN.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
I DID TERRIBLE THINGS TO RISE TO THE TOP OF MY BARBERSHOP
QUARTET.
THEY SAY "IF YOU LOVE SOMETHING, SET IT FREE."
BUT I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN TRUST THOSE PEOPLE IN MY SHED.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
FORGIVE ME, AUDIENCE.
>> Audience: WE FORGIVE YOU!