(cop show music)
- [Radio] Car 67, come in car 67.
- This is car 67, - This is car 67,
- we're code five, - code five,
- nothing to report. - we've got nothing to report.
- You are such an idiot man, I mean Van Hagar
had just as many hits as the original Van Halen, okay.
5150, Best of Both Worlds, When It's Love,
Dreams, Summer Nights, Finish What Ya Started,
Black and Blue, Right Now--
- [Radio] Right Now, really, you're gonna come at me
with Right Now, please.
- What are you talking about, Right Now
was the theme of an entire generation.
- [Radio] It was a Pepsi jingle, you mental case.
- Have you not listened to the poetry,
the genius, of Sammy Hagar's lyrics,
talking about living for the day,
taking advantage of what you have, right now,
don't wait 'til tomorrow with Theresa?
- [Radio] Theresa, did you just say Theresa?
- No, I didn't. - Holy shit,
you just put your ex wife
into a Van Hagar song. - I did not.
- [Radio] Oh my god. - I did not.
- [Radio] What fucking asshole does that?
- No I didn't, no don't tell the guys over.
Tell the guys to mind their own business.
You mind your own business Hawk,
you leave Sammy Hagar, you stop it!
You stop it right now, (laughing over radio)
stop it, you stop it.
Die in a car fire, you jackass!
Stop, dack, dah!
- So, something bugging you, or...
- Yeah, something's bugging me,
you don't talk shit about Right Now, on my--
- I'm gonna fuck this car, ha ha.
Hey, hey. - It's Captain Ed.
Captain Ed U Cation.
- Watch me fuck this car,
it's as easy as one, two, three,
oh yeah, that's it, that's it.
- Why is Sergeant Pepper humping our car?
- Come on, there's no way you don't know who that is.
He's got this great show for kids,
that makes learning fun, and hip.
He's great, Captain Ed!
- [Captain Ed] Drink my piss, car.
- Ha, classic Captain Ed.
- This is our car, asshole!
I don't care how many kids he's educated,
I'm taking this guy in.
- Come on, he's just goofing around.
- Typical Hollywood bullshit, he thinks just
because he's a celebrity, he can do whatever he wants,
he can fuck my wife and I'm just gonna stand around
and take it, get over here.
- Excuse me sir, big fan.
Could I trouble you for some ID please?
- Why do you need to see some ID huh,
you obviously know who he is, fanboy.
- Well I doubt his real name is Captain Ed U Cation,
oh, wow, it's really Captain Ed U Cation.
- I got it legally changed.
- Can you even change your name to Captain legally?
- No, I actually am a captain.
You two wanna get married, I can do it,
but all we gotta do is find an ocean.
You and I should have an underwear party.
- Why did you do that?
- He rushed me!
- It's just his way, he's a goofy guy.
And he uses that goofiness, to fight illiteracy.
So just give him a break, he's just having a bad day.
- I'm having the best day.
(puking)
- Seriously?
Typical Hollywood celebrity, does whatever he wants,
puke on my shoe, no problem, make a mistake,
it's okay, live your life
with no responsibilities, right Captain?
You are an idol to children for God's sakes.
- That's true, my kids really look up to him.
He's their hero.
I'm not, but they love him.
- Doesn't that piss you off?
You spent your whole life trying to be a good cop,
and this Hollywood fly-by-night can do whatever he wants,
he's worshiped like a god, I mean you're getting shot at,
and he's taking my wife out to dinner,
and doing the hibbidy-dibbidy.
- Okay, I feel like I need to make sure
you know Captain Ed isn't the weatherman
your wife left you for.
- Uh, ex wife, and yes, I know, I'm not some kinda--
- Give me that dick.
I'm gonna make ya feel like a special boy.
- Wow, it's been awhile since anyone made me feel special,
but, um, I'm gonna have to decline, I'm married.
- I got a gun in here somewhere.
- No way does he have a gun.
- I'm pretty sure it's, there it is.
- He's got a gun. - I was wrong,
I was wrong. (gunshot)
Okay, so we definitely have to take this guy in.
- Gee, do ya think so? - Yes.
Normally I wouldn't ask, and I know it's not procedure,
but do you think we can get a picture with Captain Ed?
It would go a long way with the kids.
- You wanna take a picture with him?
Seriously?
- Yes.
- Now come to think of it, if my wife wants to screw me over
by fucking a weatherman, I'll get revenge on her
by fucking a kid's show host.
- Yeah, that makes sense, okay,
let's take like a selfie, let's do--
- It's actually called an ussie.
- Really?
- Yeah, like if there's more than one person,
it's called an ussie now.
- Oh, okay.
Uh, cheese!
That's good, that's real good.
Now, hey, pretend you're an urban youth,
and he's teaching you how to read.
Cheese!
Alright, now get back to--
- [Chance] No no, let me teabag him.
- [Moses] No, Captain Ed, Captain Ed?
- What's wrong with him? - He's not breathing.
He's not breathing, Captain Ed, Captain Ed!
- Wake him up. - No, come on!
Gah, wake up!
He's not waking up.
Okay, you know he's beloved by millions, right?
Captain Ed, come on if you die my kids will hate me!
Please wake up. - Okay, woah woah, calm down,
I got an idea, I got an idea.
Get in the car, just go, go, come on, come on, come on.
(body sliding down hood)
You know, Right Now really is a good song.
- [Moses] Is that Van Halen or Van Hagar?
- [Chance] Shut up.