Let's talk about commencement addresses,
that time of the year when everyone puts on a dress
and are told that they're the future of the planet.
For much of America, this was graduation weekend,
and so prominent celebrities and politicians decided to hold
their versions of a virtual commencement speech.
And the commencement speaker everyone was talking about
is Barack Obama,
44th President of the United States
and world's slowest Kenyan.
Although, his address turned out to be
less of a graduation speech
and more the world's loudest subtweet.
Just as you've been looking forward to proms
and senior nights, graduation ceremonies,
and, let's face it, a whole bunch of parties,
the world is turned upside down by a global pandemic.
This pandemic has fully, finally torn back the curtain
on the idea that so many of the folks in charge
know what they're doing.
A lot of them aren't even pretending to be in charge.
Doing what feels good, what's convenient, what's easy,
that's how little kids think.
Unfortunately, a lot of so-called "grown-ups,"
including some with fancy titles and important jobs,
still think that way.
Which is why things are so screwed up.
You know, it's funny how Obama hides his insults,
almost like he doesn't want to get in trouble with Michelle
for going low.
(like Obama): Uh, now, I agree with Michelle,
uh, that we're gonna go high.
So I won't say anything about your mama.
I will, however, point out
that the person, uh, who gave birth to you
has reached proportions, uh, that could possibly obscure
large bodies of light.
It's also crazy
how Obama never even had to mention Trump by name.
Like, that's how you know you've screwed up,
when someone can just say,
"People have no idea what they're doing,"
and everyone is like, "Oh, yeah, that's Trump, right?
That's Trump." Even Trump is like,
"That's me, totally me."
But as subtle as Obama's criticism may have been,
it apparently set off a five-alarm outrage fire
over at Fox News.
NEWSMAN: It's a commencement speech.
It's supposed to be motivational, positive.
It's supposed to be about the graduates.
This was not the time for what he's doing.
And by the way, Barack Obama's not all that articulate.
When he reads off a teleprompter
he can be inspiring or off of a speech,
but when he's impromptu, the ums and the ahs,
it's, like, it's impossible to listen to.
It's very bad for an ex-president in a crisis
to criticize kind of a sitting president or administration.
It is so unseemly for a former president to take the...
the virtual commencement ceremony for a series of,
uh, historically black colleges and universities
and turn it into a political drive-by shooting.
"Yes. What Obama did there was a political drive-by shooting.
"He really crip-walked all over America's norms.
"I mean, this was not the time for a rap battle,
"because this is Donald Trump's movie,
"and Obama is talking loudly during it.
What a black day in American history."
Look, there's no denying that Obama went out of his way
to diss Trump in the speech,
but I genuinely find it hilarious that Fox News...
Fox News is gonna spend all day being offended
about how a former president doesn't have decorum,
when the current president literally interrupted
a pandemic briefing to remind everybody
how he boned models.
And I'm not saying "literally," like everyone says "literally."
I'm literally using "literally" literally.
Now, Obama wasn't the only politician
who gave a commencement address this weekend.
Nebraska senator Ben Sasse gave an address of his own.
And, guys...
something tells me he's not handling quarantine well.
Congratulations, graduates.
This is a big moment--
not on graduating high school, but on making the journey
down the stairs from your bedroom to the living room
and putting on something slightly more formal
than sweatpants.
Congratulations, parents, teachers and coaches--
not that there's really any meaningful distinction
among those categories anymore at this point.
If you're a parent, you're a teacher.
Thanks a lot, China.
We're all teachers now.
I know I'm not supposed to say this,
but you're not missing out on that much,
because honestly, nobody--
and by "nobody," I mean, nobody--
remembers anything about their high school graduation.
In fact, a lot of us spend a lot of our lives
trying to forget as much about high school as we possibly can.
And in fact, there are a whole bunch of people
who make a whole bunch of money
by just trying to help other people forget high school.
They're called psychologists.
You know, anyone can deliver a speech that inspires people,
but it takes a real leader to deliver a commencement speech
that makes you wish you had booked Ted Cruz.
And if this is his commencement speech,
I'd hate to hear his version of a birthday song.
♪ This could be your last one ♪
♪ Statistically, you might not make it... ♪
So, this weekend, everyone from President Obama
to Senator Eeyore in Nebraska
released their commencement addresses,
but the biggest newsmaker of all
saved his commencement address for today,
and I'm talking, of course, about COVID-19.
And so, in conclusion, Class of 2020,
let me leave you with the three lessons
that changed my life.
Firstly, let the haters fuel your grind.
When I was just starting out, China acted like I didn't exist,
Britain's prime minister treated me like a joke,
and the U.S. president said I was just another flu.
But instead of losing hope,
I remembered what I learned from Taylor Swift,
and I shook it off.
I kept grinding, and thanks to the haters,
I traveled the world, I met all sorts of celebrities,
and I've even made it to the White House,
the second virus to do so, right after Stephen Miller.
Secondly, remember that you don't get anywhere alone.
I could have ended up like so many other diseases--
MERS, SARS, cooties--
but I got to where I am thanks to the angels in my life:
the people who dismissed science,
the protestors who insisted on not wearing masks,
and everyone who couldn't go three weeks
without getting a haircut.
You guys are my heroes.
And finally, embrace the setbacks.
When I failed in places like South Korea and New Zealand
because they had "a plan,"
a lot of people said my best days are behind me.
And yeah, I was bummed, but I knew that if I found
the countries with the right leadership for me,
I might just get a second shot.
So, students, when people try to flatten your curve,
just keep climbing, and remember,
people don't need to believe in you,
you just need to believe in yourself,
and the sky is the limit.
But not too high, because UV light is bad for me.
Congrats, Class of 2020.
Rock on. You guys are on fleek.
I will see you out there.
That was... something.
Well, that's our show for tonight.
But before we go, please remember that the COVID pandemic
has taken a serious toll on many people's mental health.
And here in the U.S.,
the Disaster Distress Helpline
is trying to address this crisis.
They've got counselors who are trained to meet
the mental health needs of this unique situation.
And if you are able to help,
then all you need to do is donate whatever you can.
If you'd like to support New Yorkers in crisis,
then please donate to NYC Well,
which is also providing free,
confidential mental health support.
Until tomorrow, stay safe out there.
Wash your hands. And, remember,
dog food is just food if you don't have a dog.