The U.S.A. versus Iran.
Over the past week,
tensions in the Middle East have ramped up bigly,
after Iran shot down an unmanned American sky dildo.
And now, America said
that the drone was shot down over international waters.
But Iran said it was flying in their airspace.
We're learning that on Thursday night,
America almost went to war.
Just 24 hours ago, last night,
the U.S. was within minutes of striking Iran,
but President Trump suddenly stopping the strike
before it could happen.
President Trump tweeting this.
Sweet Lord.
America was ten minutes away from bombing Iran.
And who stopped it? Donald Trump.
(applause)
Yeah. What-What's that? Who ordered the strike?
Also Donald Trump.
(laughter, applause)
The point is, we are at peace,
thanks to, and in spite of President Trump.
(laughter)
And can we just take a second
to acknowledge how often this happens?
Trump takes us all to the brink of a crisis,
and then, he's the one
that pulls us back at the last second.
Sometimes it feels like there are two different Trumps
making these decisions.
And you know what? Like, maybe there are.
Maybe he has an identical twin running around the White House.
You know? It's like one of those Sister, Sister situations.
Yeah. I mean, that would explain all of the flip-flopping.
In fact, it would explain everything. He'd be like,
"Mexicans are rapists!"
"And some of them are good people."
"I'm gonna release my tax returns."
"No, I'm not."
"I'm gonna play golf."
"I'm also gonna play golf."
(laughter)
So, as you saw in the president's tweet,
the reason that he called off the missile strikes is because,
ten minutes before the launch,
he found out how many people could die in a strike,
and to him, a drone wasn't worth taking human lives.
And honestly, I commend him for even saying that.
But now, people are shooting down his story,
like it's an unmanned sky dildo.
NEWSMAN: The Washington Post today reporting the president
had been briefed hours earlier about potential risks
and casualties, and was supportive of military action
until around 7:00 p.m., when he appeared to change his mind.
This just doesn't add up that... that when the president meets
with his top Pentagon people,
they give him a very thorough list,
a menu of targets, and say, "You can hit this target,
"you can hit that target.
If you do, here are the possible casualties."
They run through the whole thing.
Yeah, according to multiple people,
the president's story doesn't make sense.
'Cause they say a president doesn't find out
about potential casualties ten minutes before a strike.
Those numbers are actually presented
when the strike is proposed.
In other words, they give the president a menu of options,
and then he picks what he would like to do.
And I think that's where this all fell apart.
You see, this isn't a guy who uses menus, okay?
It looks too much like a book.
This is a guy who points at pictures and asks for numbers.
That's who this is.
"Give me that one with an extra that one."
That's him. "And I'll be taking a soak in the ball pit.
Let me know when it's ready."
Now, as much as we would like...
we would like to believe that this happened
because Trump didn't pay attention in a meeting,
it might actually be more complicated than that.
Right? Because it's been reported
that the president may have been given two different sets
of casualty numbers.
Yeah. That's what happened.
Well, that's what they're saying happened.
And that wouldn't be surprising, because it turns out
there are two different factions in this administration,
and they've both been pulling Trump in very different ways.
NEWSWOMAN: Sources tell CNN Secretary of State Mike Pompeo
and National Security Advisor John Bolton
both favored striking Iran,
while outside advisors reminded him of his promise
to get the U.S. out of wars, not in them.
NEWSMAN: Vice President Mike Pence
supported the planned military strike on Iran
but also agreed with the president's decision
to stop them.
(laughter)
Wait, what?
The vice president supported launching air strikes
and not launching air strikes?
I've got to say, the last thing I expected to hear
about Mike Pence is that he swings both ways.
(laughter)
(applause, whooping)
Like...
seriously, what a...
what a straight-up kiss-ass.
He's like, "Sir, I think we should strike Iran."
(as Trump): "I don't want to do it."
(as Pence): "And you shouldn't, sir. Great decision."
So the hawks were pushing Trump into war,
and the doves were urging restraint.
And I don't know what the doves told President Trump,
but it looks like for now, it's worked.
NEWSMAN: The president says if it comes to war,
the U.S. will "obliterate Iran,"
but what he really wants is talks aimed at a new deal
to keep Iran from getting nuclear weapons.
If... Iran wants to become a wealthy nation again,
become a prosperous nation,
we'll call it "Let's Make Iran Great Again."
Does that make sense? Make Iran Great Again.
-(laughter, groans) -Wait, what?
Make Iran Great Again?
So in 48 hours, Trump went from threatening Iran
to pitching a MAGA franchise in Tehran?
(laughter)
And I'll be honest, I don't know if MIGA has the same ring to it.
(laughter)
And... it could be a lot of trouble
if Iran ever pisses Trump off.
He'd be like, "All right, they changed their minds,
so we're switching it to "Never Iran Great Again."
Be like, "Sir, no, I... I don't think...
I don't think we should..." "Change it now!
Change it to Never."
"Look, sir, look what you've done."
-"Oh, my-my bad." -(laughter)
Look, if you pay attention,
it's pretty clear to see what's happening here.
Trump doesn't want to go to war with Iran, right?
And he also doesn't mind sitting down with them to make a deal.
Feels like the truth is,
he just doesn't want Obama's nuclear deal.
So, Iran, here's all you need to do.
Take the nuclear deal you already had,
replace "Obama" with "Trump,"
turn the whole thing gold for no reason...
and, most importantly, don't forget to use pictures.
It makes it easy for him to decide. Yeah.
That's a deal both Trump teams can get behind.