ladies my name is jacksepticeye and
welcome back to little bitty biz life
the life and times of funny funny pits
Patrick the first time I've made that
mistake is that putty Fitzpatrick senior
computer programmer semi mass murderer
doesn't really count if he didn't do it
himself and he just told somebody else
to do it I'd say he's more of an
entrepreneur in the Hitman industry so
we're what age we now actually patty
Fitzpatrick is 45 years old he's about
to come up on to his beautiful 50s so
plenty more time to kill people I am
going to kill absolutely everybody today
everybody that I work with all of these
people dead I am running dangerously
close though to bankruptcy so maybe I
should buy some stuff assets can I do
anything else there anything else going
on my finances I've seen have an income
of one hundred and six thousand dollars
but I'm spending it all hitman real
estate broker shop for properties no
Horry I work close to home so I can walk
there every day it's fine I'm gonna sell
my care I can take public transport I
can even Oberer alright but how am I
gonna afford all of these hitmen if I
can't actually afford them I know it's a
simple math really put a puzzle add
online how it's one-of-a-kind nobody
wanted to buy your stolen Maserati how
do they know it's stolen though I'm
gonna do a hack and crime right now I
want to see if somebody will kill my
stepdad for me scheme is full of
horrible sentences no look why does no
one want to kill my stepdad is a
sentence I just said alright who else
you know what it's just our cold with
coworkers no one wants to kill him an
inch maybe the hitmen are onto me
maybe the Hitman just want to kill me
now Jacob Morgan no one wants to kill
anybody in my life anymore this [ __ ]
sucks you tried to start a conversation
with a co-worker Evan about who makes
the best bit life videos on YouTube he
told you he is too busy at the moment
it's me Jack SAP the guy oh man all
right well who is that Evan all right
time to kill I can't even pick him out
of the list this is the saddest [ __ ]
day of my life I'm gonna rob a house rob
a house and said oh god I forgot her to
do this see there's many items as you
can from the little old ladies home and
escape without being caught
swipe to change directions okay okay I
can do it Oh God show me a picture oh I
also swipe down and it's wiped off the
little old lady verbally abused you and
kicked you out of your house you managed
to flee before the cops arrived whoo
thank God I'm getting away with so much
of this game my happiness is down to 10%
sad gamer noises all right I need to I
need to spend time with everybody you
invested time and fight relations if
your stepfather refused to spend time
with you
of course he did he never wants to hang
out with me he never wants to hang out
with me where is he
stepfather murder my stepdad I'm gonna
evolve and grow up in this game and I'm
just gonna murder her myself by the end
of it all right let's let's age up
pregnancy your wife Kyra is pregnant
with your baby hope we do keep the baby
we tried this last time she had a
miscarriage so I'm hoping that this time
she'll actually be able to keep the baby
and we'll have a nice happy fun healthy
life full of murder all right talk to my
coworkers who's in here talk to Evan
again try to talk to her she here his
hips he told you he's too busy at the
moment
oh yeah it was tell me that the don't
lie bro I am wildly upset that I can't
kill Evan that's that's really gonna
[ __ ] me up should I kill my ex at her
husband this is weird
Lily boss I'm trying to figure out
reasons for killing them and then
it's a video game and it doesn't matter
sure why not
Oh for the Hitman going by the name of
TX who's willing to pull off the hit on
your supervisor lady what would you do
hire her
you hit my TX right off your money
without pulling off the hit on your
supervisor Lilly can I murder my hitman
oh my god the methods of murder are so
nasty perform a drive-by strangle them
Club them push them off a cliff
elephant laxative you can kill someone
with an elephant laxative hold on
everybody I'm reading I need to keep
reading to upgrade my mind to increase
my mental capacity and just make me feel
at ease I'm a read through all of Little
Women in five minutes
am i Superman in the picked a shorter
book could you Shawn nope had to be this
one I'm not even taking the pages
anymore
abandon it I didn't even get happy let's
talk to Sophie again Sophie what's going
on she told me to shut up
Sophie's always telling me to shut up
for Sophie Sophie in this list it's not
going well today I'm gonna have to
murder on my own if I can't find a
hitman to do it alright I'm going to a
casino because I need to make back some
money I've lost a lot of money we're
going to go to the coastal Shannon
casino
these are blackjack bets bank balance
okay I'm a bet ten grand no god that's
actually a really [ __ ] good hand I'll
stand
I'll ask mother [ __ ] it's rigged I'm
going again double or nothing
oh yes oh god alright I want the money
back that I lost I should I should quit
while I'm ahead
unless hit me that's right go again go
again I don't have a problem you do 12
13 crazy [ __ ] gonna take the kids Oh
No Kira baby your wife Kira is arguing
with you because you lost money at the
casino what will you do I I didn't just
lose
I almost lost it all we had 37,000 to
the bank and I'm down to six grand
apologize to her
[Music]
should I here hire a hitman on myself
all right let's let's age up Oh
Kiera had a miscarriage again time to
murder you were suffering from anxiety
Oh No can I hire a hitman to kill it can
I kill my anxiety with a hitman please
I'll pay anything I lose as much money
at the casino as you need it's all right
I ain't stop I have another 20 grand I'm
47 years old let's just go up to age 50
your wife Kira wants a divorce she tells
you she has learned that variety is the
spice of life at 47 what will you do in
Salter one last Jesus Christ I'm gonna
charge her all right this is this is
what happens all right in the game of
bit life if you want a divorce you have
to fight for it so I'm gonna charge at
her if she gets past me she's not half
the divorce if I buy her schooling
killer
whoa the chips are where they lie the
judges recognize your prenuptial
agreement and has therefore determined
that no settlement amount is required to
finalize your divorce No
okay I'm going to bite your scope it's
the same thing no you tried to bite your
wife Kira but missed now how do you miss
how do you miss biting someone like ah
damn it
okay she stumped you she jammed your
torso she busted your kneecap you're
suffering from depression oh god it's
all going downhill Patti what's
happening oh I have a what's this boost
happiness you receive an
all-expense-paid trip to Disney theme
park of your choice from an anonymous
source you've been feeling the need for
a vacation what will you do here I come
Mickey what are the hit men they funded
a trip for me because they feel bad for
stealing all my money you enjoyed a free
paid trip to Disneyland theme burg all
happiness new happiness I feel like a
trip to Disney would have made me a lot
happier even though my wife just left me
after having a miscarriage and then she
stomped on me and busted my kneecaps I
think that I could be a little more than
30% happy right now okay
well time to hire a hit man and kill my
ex-wife where is she
Keira Hughes there and done cheater
satisfaction guaranteed you're a hit man
Anton pull off the hit your executors
using a ray gun expect would happen see
you know what I missed my bite there to
take my shot later I'm no coward I'll
just hide behind a hit man let this be a
lesson don't divorce patty Fitzpatrick
cuz he will hire a hitman and kill you
alright
William Fitzpatrick jeez I thought I
died there for a second your father
passed away at the age of 78
he died from Lyme disease in 2020 really
is your responsibility to plan the
funeral plans Phil yeah all right it's
time to decide what to do with your
father's remains his wish was to be
buried what will you do it well he's
dead so I guess his wishes don't matter
barium cremation taxidermy donate to
science
let's bury a man I inherited eight
hundred eight thousand euro to add my
scepter died
can you feel it can you feel it can you
feel it
doo doo doo doo oh it's all coming up
patty right now his wife left he doesn't
have to worry about that anymore she's
dead
his dad died very sad actually he was
very upset about that but he inherited
800 grand almost a million euro after
losing it all in the slots
I bet Kyra's looking down from Hell
right after divorcing me I'm lucky I
came into the world after that and now
my stepdad died after me trying to
reconcile with her trying to hire a
hitman an Aston would work turns out all
I had to wait I had to do was wait an
old age kill him actually no it was the
diabetes they got him I will skip that
funeral actually happiness is not doing
the best oh my god I went out for a walk
and a hooker found me looks great
well owned your walk you encounter a
hooker hassling you what will you do
with furniture buy nurse cobble hey Gord
there we go all right happiness is
taking a bit of a lump and I have eight
hundred thirty-five thousand euro in the
bank I have no idea how I've lasted this
long after hiring so many hitman after
getting caught Bergling someone's house
after tried to kill myself that many
times after biting someone killing them
paddy fitzpatrick might be the luckiest
bit life character of all time
I did it I reached age 50 and I'm no
longer suffering from depression amazing
and insurance telemarketer calls you and
claims that he can get you a great deal
on health insurance what do you do
listen to them and politely decline wife
is looking up for paddy fitzpatrick
after his wife left him and got
mysteriously murdered by somebody
everything's turning out great 50 years
old he's happier than he's ever been
health is not doing great but you know
what health and age they don't really
like go together do they I mean they do
for a while and you can work really hard
on it but sooner or later your health
wants to divorce your age and [ __ ] goes
to tits types of crime let's hire a
hitman to do something I don't need to
kill my stepdad anymore could kill one
of my co-workers but is that really
worth it anymore you know a pickpocket a
stranger a biker why not deep deep cycle
fast you won't be able to catch up with
me because they'll be gone by the time
they realize they're you know what I'll
just I just do a little pickpocket get a
hundred hundred euros Oh Oh the biker
chase after you and the screaming get
you to return his wallet it's time for
my signature move it's time to bite his
skull weight versus school Oh his
school's not there what am I supposed to
do without my signature move by his
mouth you bit the bikers mouth and you
smacked him bingo the biker called the
cops on you know all the places they
robbed and all the people that I
accidentally cured life from it's biting
someone at the mouth that gets me
they've been charged with assault and
are facing one year in prison with local
law firm which local law firm will you
hire uh let's go it I have a load of
money I can do that
Oh the judge has asked you to make a
plea surrounding your charge for assault
if you plead guilty you may receive a
shorter sentence that if you were
convicted in a trial how will you plea
not guilty
you've been found not guilty of assault
I'm still chewing on the dudes lips at
the court and they're like he probably
didn't do it he's fine he's grand left
how do you go I'm gonna post on Twitter
50 single and ready to mingle thirteen
likes that's not great oh my God look at
all the people who were dead in my head
I have to bet dead pets and three dead
family members only have three
relationships to spend time with now Oh
God oh but things are looking up though
I'm happy about this let's do some mind
and bodies of meditation nice
everything's great let's go to the gym
though I need to keep my body healthy if
I have to run away from all of these
people who are gonna try and come after
me for murdering them and I'm no longer
suffering from anxiety
you see that's what the game is trying
to tell you all you have to do is reach
50 years old hire a hitman to kill
dozens of people divorce your wife kill
her and then inherit a bunch of money
from your dad who just died and then
anxiety and depression God he was
ridiculous
oh of course I spent time with my
half-sister Fay she has no idea of the
atrocities as I've committed all right
Evan I am going to have a conversation
with you one more time we had a
conversation about the best place to
have sex and you were too busy for that
ever come on bro all right you know what
we're gonna do I'm gonna prank him a
little taste for what's to come
you gave your coworker Evan a secret
glitter bomb package to blew up hid in
his face dude I said I wanted to prank
him not ruin his entire life I don't
think that I can actually murder him now
I feel like I've murdered him already Oh
Sophie I would a conversation Sophie she
told me to shut up again trade wants
more Sophie train once more Tony Soprano
mr. soprano himself is gonna kill Sophie
your hit man tony soprano pulled off the
hit on your coworker Sophie using a
knife oh you hit man tony soprano is now
threatening to kill you with a knife too
unless you pay him another nineteen
thousand five hundred tell him a deal is
a deal I'm standing my ground again it
worked for the last hit man it's gonna
work for this guy now when he's trying
to attack you with a knife he stabbed
your drawers oh [ __ ] what did I think
was going to happen when I got a hit man
that I hired to kill somebody with a
knife turned around and asked for more
money and I denied him and he stabbed me
with a knife goddamn it
I'm having a mur
agency room they're like what happened
what give you this like hole shaped stab
wound in your belly is like I fell on my
lunch all right time to thin out the
workload time to hire more hitman to
kill everybody okay can't do that that's
fine I'll just try the next person Adam
Stewart no apparently they haven't
wronged me
no hitman wants to do it they think I'm
cold-hearted Adam Stewart did they just
try and kill him all right no hitman
want to even come within a mile of me
anymore
I probably found out to Tony Soprano
stab me into think I'm dead you know
what I'm gonna retire I have enough
money in the bank I'm 52 years old I
think it's time I think if you're 52
years old you almost have a million
you're I think you're fine yours at the
company 15 years until eligible of five
just no just resigned then who cares all
right I think it's time to emigrate time
to move to another country where do I
want to go I've killed enough people
here I work there
but it would be foolish of me to stick
around and just keep killing people in
the same place over and over again
eventually they're gonna figure it out I
got lucky already I want to move to
where do I want to move to China Jamaica
Australia Australia approved your
immigration request I now live in Perth
hell yeah that worked out great
we're not gonna murder opportunities we
have in Perth well obviously I have the
Stila care I have to seal a car to get
around all right is inside very walkable
town a Ford f-450 sure why not
oh wait I go to the doctor again God
there we go you successfully stole a
Dodge Durango not too bad
Grande whole car good job good job I
know I could technically by a my own
care but why would I bite my own car and
talk to people when I can steal and
murder you know that's the putti
fitzpatrick way let's scrap this old car
so I don't need it it's back in Ireland
I'm gonna sell my house back home I'll
drop it down a little brand I have 1.1
million euro I am rich beyond all belief
in this game right now
I went from losing it all and my wife
leaving me to suddenly coming into a
great fortune you know I'm just an
entrepreneur like that I kinda need to
find some friends ways it all about
finding people to love but there's no
thing to find friends I could change my
will now leave all my money to charity
hell yeah my wife is dead I left it all
to her but she died first so
mysteriously weirdly get hit by a blimp
how often does that happen I'm gonna go
out on a date why not 57 year old Gemma
McKay there a lieutenant at Perth Police
Department Astrid oh wait this could be
the end oh but the adrenaline Oh dating
someone who's on the police force while
I commit the crimes on the side this
Netflix show writes itself
you hear that that's the sound of me and
Gemma doing the horizontal shuffle I
think it's going pretty well they have
no idea that I am the mass murder patty
Fitzpatrick old dirty patty as they
called me back home I was always in the
headlines how many people have been
killed by old dirty party now never know
some of your friends are going to the
horse races will you join them I don't
have any friends who are these
mysterious people that I am going to the
races with place your bets
oh I have to bet oh I just want to watch
you know I'm a great gambler I've had
great luck on it before I'm going to go
with top foot well place about a 50 K
[Music]
okay do I can I do anything else come on
come on top foot come on top foot
[ __ ] no loan come on top foot yeah
dirty bastard came third what you sure
yeah anyway your girlfriend Jemma is
arguing with you because you lost money
at the races oh I'm so sorry
dammit impact is you represent happiness
again your girlfriend Jemma told you
that you're a perfect end apart from the
fact I just lost 50 grand at the races
I'm a perfect 10 Thank You Gemma I think
that you are also good what else should
I do with Paddy trouble back in time
what I can do that let's go to the
fertility clinic first birth fertility
is not interested in your sperm reason
age I'm too old to donate sperm Oh No
all right should I try and take a time
machine back to when life was easier for
paddy Fitzpatrick life's pretty great
from now though I don't know if I want
to ruin that we're supposed to tweet
about it hell yeah oh man I can be a
video game tester or it could be a go-go
dancer I would be a go-go dancer you
called to express interest in the go-go
dancer position at Amelia's disco but
the receptionist answering the phone
laughs in your face and then hung up on
you
let's just that's just rude can I can I
hire a hitman to kill her
No what is this let's kill a random poke
rocker I guess run off with my money
come on Eric hitman to kill the Hitman
you haven't been feeling very attractive
lately and are looking for ways to
become a little more sexy what will you
do shop for some hip bones get some silk
Underpants get some style in sunglasses
or get a stylish new haircut you know
what surprise me what are we getting
roll the dice get some silk undies
there's a Tony Robbins motivational oh
yeah hell yeah Tony Robbins can uplift
anybody have you ever listened to a Tony
Robbins speech even if it's all [ __ ]
or even if he didn't know what he was
talking about every time I listen to
what I'm like yeah I am going to go out
and get that talk or that I wanted all
right party's 56 right now I want to get
him to great let's spend some time with
the girl I want to get him to age 60
prepare it why not a person dressed as a
superhero has told you he needs to bring
the contents of a package to Ukraine
no wait loser go away stinky I don't
want to go to Ukraine with a random
package your friend lets you borrow his
car to do Daioh diopter ik catadioptric
telescope I've never seen that work
before my life
what will you check out the hotties at
the pool I'm gonna check out your anus
no I'm not I want to check out to meet
your shower that's pretty cool all right
one more age and I have hit 60 your
girlfriend Gemma's asking you to take
her to a homemade mini pizzas of course
I will we would have a grand old time
look at this age 60 and I'm living my
absolute best life LOX 96 smarts 99
health and happiness and a hundred
percent at sixty can you be any better
than patty Fitzpatrick at this point
nobody can live up to this man's legacy
should we get married at 60
okay proposed this is this is scary I'm
very nervous and weirdly at age 60 I'm
more nervous or putty than I was when he
was in his 20s or 30s can you feel it
can you feel it oh this is marvelous we
are gonna have the best wedding but you
guys are gonna have to wait until the
next episode to figure out how patty
Fitzpatrick's life is going do you guys
want to see him go down a virtuous path
to reform his life to get over all the
hitman killings and just grow old with
Gemma for the rest of their lives
or do you want to go and see him go down
the world of debauchery more gambling
more murders more hitmen it's up to you
I leave it in your hands the next
episode very well could be the last one
but if you enjoyed this one don't forget
to leave a big old like on it or putty
Fitzpatrick's gonna hire a hitman to
come to your house and kill you with a
ray gun that really probably bites you
in the skull and you'll die okay first
dreams goodbye
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]
all this murders making me hungry