- Hey, everyone, welcome to story time.
Today, Orange and I will be reading
the story of The Ugly Duckling.
I'm not sure where Orange is,
but he should be here any moment.
- Carrying a cup of sulfuric acid,
herp a derp a derp, whoops I tripped
- Ahh! - Ah-ha, man.
It totally disintegrated today's book.
What a tragic, totally unintentional accident (laughing)
- (grunting) I had a feeling something
like this might happen.
That's why I came armed today with a back-up book.
Sorry to disappoint you, Orange.
- Oh, I'm not disappointed.
I brought a back-up book too.
Shall we begin?
- Doh, that's not even the same book.
- You're right, hmm.
This book situation certainly puts us in a bind, doesn't it?
(crashing and screaming)
(laughing) bind.
- Orange, I'm telling the story this time, got it?
You're here for color commentary only.
- Got it, color commentary.
And that color will definitely be orange (laughing)
- Ugh, that's what I'm afraid of.
Now then, once upon a time there was a baby duck
who looked different from all his brothers and sisters.
- [Orange] And man, was this dude ugly.
Millennials would look at all the other cute ducklings,
and be all like aw,
and take Instagram photos with 'em.
But not with this ugly duckling.
When people saw this duckling
they couldn't help but barf a little in their mouths.
(moaning)
(laughing)
- [Pear] No they didn't.
- [Orange] Well that's true,
they didn't all barf in their mouths.
Some of the more forward thinking millennials
decide to take pictures with Ugmo,
because he made them look better by comparison.
(laughing)
- Orange, stop.
There are no millennials taking selfies
in the story of The Ugly Duckling.
- Yo mama's duckling's so ugly,
he laid down for a beauty nap,
and slipped into a coma (laughing).
- Ugh, can we please get back to the real story now.
- Yo mama's ducking's so ugly,
he got dropped off for school,
and they fined his mama for littering (laughing).
- (growling) Anyway.
(farting)
The other ducklings always made fun of the ugly duckling.
- [Orange] Who's nickname was Ugmo.
- [Pear] His nickname was not Ugmo.
- Yuh huh, it says so right here in the book.
- You aren't reading the right book.
- Oh yeah, well if we're being honest,
I'm not even reading that book.
I'm making this all up straight off the dome.
- Ugh.
- (laughing) Anyway,
according to the story in my mind,
All throughout his childhood and high school years,
Ugmo got teased for being so ugly.
- [Pear] Okay, yeah that's not exactly wrong.
The other ducklings were mean to him
and called him names.
- [Orange] Names like Ugmo.
Which actually was his name.
- [Pear] Orange (growling).
Anyway, so this teasing went on for years.
- [Orange] Until the ducks all got back together
for their high school reunion.
They got to talking and realized
none of them had heard from Ugmo for years.
They all really hoped he'd show up,
because it had been awhile
since they'd been able to make fun of him
to his face.
And that's when a huge, fancy limo
pulled up to the reunion and Ugmo stepped out.
- [Pear] See, he had grown up into a beautiful swan.
- [Orange] What?
No, not even close.
He'd grown up to be the supermodel Cindy Crawford.
- Wait wait what what?
You're telling me a duckling grew up
to be a human supermodel from the 90s?
- You can grow up to be anything you want to be Pear.
I'm surprised you didn't know that.
(Pear growling)
(laughing) But wait, there's more.
Sure, Ugmo had the beautiful face of Cindy Crawford,
but he was even more beautiful than that.
He had Brad Pitt's abs,
Taylor Lautner's biceps,
Kim Kardashian's rear end,
the tail of the Westminster's dog show winner,
the eyes of the most beautiful snake you've ever seen,
- Hold on.
You're telling me Ugmo grew up
to have the tail of a dog,
the eyes of a snake and it was beautiful because of it?
- Duh, I said it was a beautiful snake, didn't I?
And beautiful might not even be a strong enough word.
Ugmo was now so stunning,
people started throwing up in their mouth
because Ugmo was so beautiful to look at.
One guy even started crying, Ugmo was so beautiful.
But Ugmo wiped away his tears with a hundo.
- I'm sorry, a hundo?
- A hundred dollar bill, Pear, sheesh.
Now that Ugmo was the most beautiful creature on the planet,
he was super rich so of course
he had hundos up the wazzoo.
(laughing) I'm tellin' ya.
Ugo was swimmin' in it Scrooge McDuck style (laughing).
- Okay, I'm not sure how this is important
to the moral of the story regarding inner beauty, but--
- Tell me, Pear, have you ever
sopped up a spill with a hundo?
You should try, they're so absorbent.
And they only cost one hundred dollars.
Get your hands on some if you can, folks.
They work 50% better than the leading paper towel brand.
(laughing)
- [Pear] Wait, why exactly is the story
turning into a commercial for hundred dollar bills?
- [Orange] Well whatchu talkin' 'bout?
Hundred dollar bills don't need a commercial.
They practically sell themselves.
- [Pear] Aw, that's it, this video is over.
- [Orange] Look at that absorbency.
That's a clinical test right there, folks.
They even sop up sulfuric acid.
Oh, nope, guess not.
- [Pear] The end.
- [Orange] (laughing) Call and order now.
Wait, no, no (mumbling)
(silly music)