- [Man] I would never cut my onions like this.
- Or do uncooked onions!
Who puts uncooked onions on something?
- Exactly. - No, you could put
uncooked onions-- - A sociopath!
- As you know I have some serious culinary skills.
(wailing)
So today I'm hosting my own food competition,
where I prepare some really awesome meals
for my friends to see if they can decide,
did I cook the food or did the supermarket prepare the food?
Winner gets a huge prize.
And let's thank Vitamix for sponsoring this video.
I'm gonna throw on my trusty, dirty, unironed apron here.
This is an apron of experience, folks.
If you walk into a hospital and you see a young doctor
with a really clean white coat, that means they're rookies.
Anyway, I'm gonna be preparing all of my meals
with my trusty Vitamix A3500
12-cup food processor attachment.
(dog barks)
Oh, yeah, thanks Bear.
With self-detect.
Let's make some granola bars.
Mixed nuts, 12-cup food processor
with the multi-use blade.
This is the multi-use blade.
I got some Brazil nuts, walnuts, pistachios,
and almonds in there.
- [Director] Ah--
- It's none of those things?
(studio staff laughing)
These aren't cashews?
- [Woman] That's a cashew.
- Brazil nuts, walnuts, almonds--
- [Woman] No walnuts.
- What are these?
They look like walnuts.
Pecans, what are you doing
trying to act like walnuts?
By the way, this food processor attachment
works with every Vitamix Ascent
and venturous self-detect models.
In a large bowl.
This looks like a large bowl.
Is this a large bowl?
This is not a large bowl.
Is this a large bowl?
I'm gonna combine some chopped nuts.
Two, three, four.
The fact that this comes as an attachment to this base
is awesome because if I want to just use the blender,
I have the blender just hanging out like this
and I could put this away for easy storage
while I use this to blend.
Sesame seeds and coconut.
Look at that.
Look at that blending.
See, I don't, I'm not used to doing this kind
of motion 'cause I don't do this to my patients.
Set aside.
You've been cast aside.
Vegetable oil.
Pack brown sugar.
Wow, that was kind of thick.
Oh man, honey is so yummy to pour.
I'm not supposed to do that.
It's not a sterile field.
Oh yeah.
We did that.
Tossing the granola bars.
(upbeat music)
They didn't teach you that in culinary school.
Oven time.
Unsalted butter, corn syrup, one cup of brown sugar.
(drum rolling)
Ooh, I think this is my first time using this stove.
(claxon blaring)
Ooh, I have to title the granola bar.
Dr. Mike's Granola.
Mike's Tasty Bar.
Bear, do you want some?
I love that this paper says, "Skill level, moderate."
Master level chef here.
(gasps) It's boiling.
While that's cooling.
That's okay.
This is harder than it looks.
I did not plan it being this hard.
I need help.
Punch the granola.
You guys think I box to protect myself,
I box so I can granola bar.
God I made such a mess.
Before I add the other ingredients I want to make sure
the granola's fully granola'd.
I probably should have washed my hands before doing this.
Now I'm stepping on the granola.
I'm getting a pedicure at the same time.
Cranberries.
Shh.
God.
This is not a large enough bowl.
No, no, how do I mix?
Should I use maybe a bigger...
It's a lot easier in the pot.
Maybe 'cause most of it's on the floor now.
This is okay.
It's still okay.
(exclaiming)
Oh yes.
There's definitely a technique to this
that I'm not utilizing.
Ah, you gotta oil up your hands.
Well, I got some massage oil.
I probably can't use massage oil.
I can use this oil though.
Ow, granola's sharp.
(upbeat music)
Wow.
What's the purpose of oiling my hands?
Slam dunk!
These are hands that have saved lives,
and now they're pressing granola.
Refrigerate for two hours.
See if Pam and Cody can get to this.
- I'm Pamela Rae Schuller.
I am a comedian speaker and advocate and dr.
Mike's unofficial sidekick. My name is Cody Reese.
I am a comedian or comedy central,
sometimes other places on the internet
and I'm also kind of like a food dude. I make food,
eat food, write about food,
make videos about food nickel resident
at times I needed to have a piece of granola to keep me
going.
- Wait you're a doctor?
This never come up.
- When you touch a food,
what are you looking for?
- Squishy factor.
- True.
Always the squishy faster at first.
- What is the squishy factor? Tell you a squishy factor.
- It's hard to say. I mean, that's the thing it's like,
- Because if I did that as a doctor,
I don't think that would play off very well.
- Even when you're touching, someone's like belly and stuff,
you're not like kind of squishy.
Generally, That's not part of the chart.
- I'm nervous about both of these.
Which one did you think was good?
- I'm not going to tell you what do you like
in a granola bar?
- Energy. I think he needs a bag.
- If you really want to know what I'm doing,
I'm looking at to see like how many different things,
and then I'm like, okay, did he like,
did he buy a mix of like,
oats that came with like weird little Sesame seeds in it?
I thought this was going to be easier,
and I'll tell you what it's it's not.
- Let's go with the one you think is mine. One, two, three,
Flip them!
Oh! well we both got it.
- Did I get it? Did you get it?
I am slowly having more faith in your cooking today.
- And Pam only has half of her taste buds. Is that true?
- No!
- Time to make a fresh green goddess.
It is a salad dressing because sometimes we want to have a
healthy salad. One garlic clove pealed,
fresh basil leaf,
(Drum roll)
baby kale, go in there.
Baby.
Dandelion greens. These look like dandelion greens,
half a cup of chives, one whole lemon zested and juice.
I zested this myself.
One teaspoon of maple syrup for that little sugary, sugary,
goodness. Oh, I didn't zest it yet.
I zested it now.
Greek yogurt, full fat.
Oh. Two tablespoon, extra Virgin olive oil.
I pour the olive oil already because I wanted to see if you
were on your toes. This is the maple syrup,
half a teaspoon of salt.
Half of it went in half of it didn't
because we don't need too much sodium up in this house.
In the back right here
there's a little buttons has pressed that's the quick
release.
It separates everything and makes it really easy to pour.
Oh. too much. Okay.
Kind of want to taste it. Can I taste it?
- Wow.
- The product that I produce here is
identical on both plates,
minus the dressing. Lots of vitamins here.
- Lots of vitamins, you say?
- Lots of vitamins.
- Are these both green goddess dressing?
- Yes.
- I'm going to need talking.
- Why do you to just call him green goddess?
- Well, green goddess is a classic dressing.
It's like Mayo based a bunch of herbs.
that's not what this is.
- This one I liked better. It tastes fresher.
- I think I got this one, but maybe you didn't too.
Are you feeling confident or how are you feeling?
- No. I'm not confident at all.
- Your confidence has worked against you at this
far.
- My confidence has worked against me my entire life.
- Flip them over.
- Wait, which one?
- The one that you think is mine.
Alright, flip them.
Wow!
- I thought it was the best,
you could use a little bit of salt.
- I'm trying to be moderate.
- But salt's the key to food tasting.
- I put zest in there.
- What's zest?
Were you like?
- You like get the..
- That's the sound I made while I did it.
- I thought he liked them. He was like, yeah.
- PB and J ball's peanuts, salted raw almonds, oat,
raisins.
This is where the sugar comes from six dates.
I'm single now, so this makes sense.
Let's make some balls. Rolling the balls.
This one's too thick.
Look, initially it looks like this,
but then once my magical hands are on it and I do this.
Look at that ball.
How do you feel about that?
That's it? You don't even chew it?
You're sliding away buddy.
These are special balls,
- Right?
- That I have prepared for you.
- Give us something.
- I cannot give you any,
- You can't tell.
- Smell it, put it in your mouth,
touch it to your forehead.
- Why don't you tell me how you made it?
- With TLC.
Do you prefer the moist or dry?
- I'm not answering that.
- Easy money.
- Let's see.
- I'll tell you what I think after we flipped the boards.
- Oh my God.
I've got something to say.
- Pick the store bowl three, two, one.
Now flip it to yourselves.
- I think the one that I ate is,
- You ate the ball.
- I think it's run. It's horrible.
I didn't know that there was an option that we'd be getting
a horrible store box.
(Laughing)
- Onto the Turkey burger.
Two turkey breasts cut into large chunks.
That sounded moist. Bam, onion.
A third little cup of mayonaise. Pop.
Quarter cup of ketchup, one third cup of breadcrumbs.
Three tablespoon of Turkey burgers seasoning.
Mmm. Season it.
When good burgers go back.
Is that the proper consistency for a Turkey burger?
A pancake? Bad Turkey. Bad, bad, bad.
Ooh, it's a good patty.
Ooh. That's juicy.
Don't know why I keep making that noise. Ooh.
I went upside down.
Look at that.
And then they get a little design for the restaurant.
Oh wait, what do I do with this?
Yeah. Massage it on,
so it's evenly spread and then press it. There you go.
Are you firmly planted on thy stools?
- Yeah. I feel pretty firm.
- I don't know how firm I am, but I feel okay about it.
- A burger made out of the bird
known as turkey.
How did you know?
- Well, you can tell by the color.
- And you may notice, to your right,
on the table is a food processor attachment for the Vitamix,
A 3,500 blender. That is your price.
- Whoa!
- Shall you win this competition?
- I want it.
- The loser has to wash it.
- Oh damn.
I actually don't have any hands. Right?
Look at the bottom,
this button is like not super fun to eat.
This one's probably more fun because it's squishy and soft.
I would never cut my onions.
- Or do uncooked onions. Who puts uncooked onions
on something?
- Exactly.
- A sociopath.
- Maybe you bought this from a really derpy place where they
- You don't know.
- If he's feeding us derpy food.
- What's a derp?
- Well, what's a derp?
- I like the button on this one better.
I like the sauce on this one better.
This one is more manageable where I can take a bite of it.
- It sounds like a size issue.
- I'm keeping it classy tonight. Okay.
Ready? The one that I think Mike made one, two, three,
- Hey!
- Time to make a little Basil pesto sauce for my pasta here.
Let's start with the Polish on cubes. Bam.
What'd you know about them? Pine nuts.
Garlic clove. Bear, be quiet.
Basil. Ooh, olive oil,
and time to put the pasta.
Just kidding.
We need it to process for one minute and 30 seconds.
During which time I will show you my band skills.
Quick release!
Look at that. You spread it nice and even.
and then you taste it.
I'm a chef.
Both of these, are from the store.
Both of these are mine.
It's anybody's game.
- Wow they look almost identical.
- So this is where it's going to get tricky folks.
There's an envelope,
- I have put all of the noodles in the envelope?
There's no way!
- You have to mail them to the right address
- With the post office? The way it is today?
- Cody you have three points.
Pam, you have four points.
For the final round, you have to wager.
- No!
- 10 seconds.
- Start it over again.
- Five seconds.
- Oh my god, Mike!
- And we'll collect these.
The pastas are both from the store that I made,
but then the sauce,
- The sauce is what we're testing.
Use your noses, use your eyes, use your faces,
use your ears. Get a sense of what it's telling you.
It's a pesto sauce, pesto sauce.
Okay. Which one do you think tastes better?
- I don't know.
- Which one tastes better to eat?
- What else can you do?
- Until I look at it,
it makes everything much clearer.
- He's like taking apart the noodles.
I didn't make the noodle guy
- I know you make the noodle guy.
I will say
it's remarkably similar. They're both honestly just okay.
- Really?
- They both need salt.
- I've never purchased pesto.
Not entirely sure what pesto is.
- Can either of you tell me what kind of pasta this is?
(Mumbling)
- Wow. I thought I brought on two food chefs.
- Food chefs.
Food chefs, unite.
I thought you do was food chefs.
- You're only allowed to guess on one plate, Pam,
you wagered how much?
- Four.
- You wagered?
- Two.
- So Pam is correct.
She will have a total of eight points. If she's wrong,
she'll have a total of zero, right?
If you guess correctly,
you will have a total of five points.
If you guess incorrectly, you have a total of two points.
- Exactly. If I thought this one was dr.
Mike, and now I'm holding it up here and I don't know,
you guys are seeing something that I'm not saying.
- Flip it.
- If it says store, then I win.
Oh! he got his correct.
- And so did the,
- Well, wait a second.
How many points does that make for Cody?
Five points.
- Whatever.
- Pamela Ray Shculler,
hold up your sign to the audience.
What do you think it is?
- NO!
- Flip your other scoreboard.
- Oh! No!
- Fine Freak.
We should have looked at each others'. Tough.
- Well,
I couldn't.
- What happened with my pasta?
I think we've all learned a lot today.
That's my personal opinion. People might disagree.
- What are you going to do with your new Vitamix
Eight 3,500 bucks?
- I'm gonna go make tortilla soup!
- As a happy medium,
can I just continue coming here to get fed?
- Yes. That seems fair.
If you'd like to get one of your own Vitamix food processor
attachments, and an ascent or venturous base,
go on vitamix.com to get yours now.
Where can we follow your comedic and food journeys?
- You can follow me on YouTube and
all other social medias at
Cody Reese, but be careful, some funny stuff.
- You can follow me at pamelacomedy.
- Huge thanks to Vitamix for sponsoring this video
and as always stay happy.
- And can you send me one?
- No. Clean it.
- I want one.
- Clean it.
- [Mike] What's that smell?
- Honestly, kind of like you.
- Oh, are you saying,
- Is it weird when I make eye contact with the camera?