- When you meet Arnold,
you get exactly what you think you're gonna get.
It's awesome to watch, you know?
"How are you?
So nice to meet you."
(upbeat hip-hop music)
I've been star struck many, many times.
As a matter of fact, this past year, I got to meet one
of my childhood heroes.
I got to meet Arnold Schwarzenegger.
(audience cheering)
Now, some of you are clapping.
Some of you are like, "Wait, wait, wait."
Well, here's the thing.
I didn't love him as a politician,
and I was too young to know him as a bodybuilder.
All I knew is the movie "Terminator" was my favorite movie,
and he was the Terminator. (audience cheering)
So here's the story.
I'm in LA at this red carpet event
for some movie that I still haven't seen.
(audience laughs)
I'm standing there with my publicist, okay?
I'm standing there with my publicist,
and she's explaining to me how the red carpet works.
"Listen, Gabriel, this is what's gonna happen.
You're gonna go down the red carpet,
and then the paparazzi is gonna start taking photos of you,
and then someone's gonna ask you some questions.
It's a lot of fun.
Then we'll go inside and then we'll go to the after party.
It's gonna be great."
As she's telling me this, I'm looking around
and I look over and I notice.
I see him.
I see Arnold Schwarzenegger, and I freak out.
(stammers)
"It's Arnold Schwarzenegger!
It's Arnold Schwarzenegger!"
"Relax, relax.
You've never met Arnie?"
I said, "No, I've never met Arnie."
(audience laughs)
"I work with him all the time.
He's really nice.
Would you like me to introduce you?"
I'm like, "Yes!"
(audience laughs)
She takes me by the hand,
and she walks me directly to Arnold.
I'm freaking out so bad.
I look like a big ass toddler.
I was like...
(audience laughs)
We get over to Arnold Schwarzenegger's area,
and he's Arnold Schwarzenegger.
He's already got a big group
of people around him waiting to take a photo,
so I'm just patiently waiting.
As I'm watching them, you guys, I gotta tell you right now,
no one on this planet is better
at meeting people than Arnold Schwarzenegger.
He is the greatest people meeter I've ever witnessed,
and the reason I say this is
because when you meet him, he's very engaging.
He grabs your hand.
He pulls you in.
He looks at you in the eyes, and he turns it on.
When you meet Arnold,
you get exactly what you think you're gonna get.
It's awesome to watch, you know?
"How are you?
So nice to meet you.
You're so strong, you pump iron?
I look at you.
You're just incredible,
got these lights and this red carpet.
This is incredible.
Excuse me, how are you?
Aye, you're so strong, you pump iron?
This is incredible.
Look at you."
People are walking away from him looking at their hand.
(audience laughs)
They're looking at their hand.
You guys, 10 minutes,
I'm watching Arnold Schwarzenegger light people up,
and then I noticed something else.
I noticed that Arnold has a handler,
a guy who stands right behind him,
and it's this guy's job to basically reset Arnold
for the next person he's about to meet.
(audience laughs)
Arnold Schwarzenegger will never cut off a conversation
with a fan.
The guy behind him listens in on the conversation,
and he determines when enough is enough,
and then he signals Arnold to cut it off and move on.
Here's the signal.
He grabs the back of Arnold's arm
right there two times, one, two.
That lets Arnold know, cut it off,
time to move on, always to the left.
Awesome to watch.
"This is incredible with these lights
and the special effects that's going on here.
Excuse me.
How are you?
Nice to meet you.
You're so strong.
Aye!"
I'm like, (gasps), so I yell out to the handler, "Hey!"
and the handler turns around.
"Hit him, I wanna meet him!
Hit him!"
And he starts laughing because now he sees
that I see how the Terminator is really working.
(audience laughs)
So he gives me one of these.
(audience laughs)
Next thing you know, he is lighting Arnold up.
He is hitting Arnold so fast, Arnold can barely keep up.
Excuse me, pardon me, excuse me.
Hello, how are you, excuse me, pardon me.
High-five high-five high-five high-five high-five.
Pardon me, excuse me, hello.
How are you, very good."
Pound, pound, pound, pound, pound,
pound, pound, pound, pound, pound, pound.
He's coming down the line, coming down the line,
coming down the line, and I'm just waiting.
(blows)
(audience laughs)
And I stick my hand out and he grabbed it.
"How are you, son?
(audience laughs)
I recognize you.
(audience laughs)
I know who you are.
You're that comedian who does the joke
about the Indian man trying to rob a bank,
but he cannot rob the bank,
because they are making fun of him."
(audience laughs)
And in my head I'm like, "He knows me!"
(audience applauds)
Outside, I'm like, "Yeah, that's me."
"You were hysterical.
Give me your contact information.
You are the funniest person.
Excuse me, how are you?
Nice to meet you.
You're so strong."
Hey!
Meeting Arnold is like a really good roller coaster.
You wanna go to the end, and meet him one more time,
you know what I'm saying?
(audience laughs)
(audience cheering)
- You know what's crazy is Ms. Tina,
Ms. Tina Knowles-Lawson, Beyonce mama.
She had invited me.
I had got invited to her birthday party, right?
But she didn't invite me.
Somebody else had.
They didn't know I was gonna be there.
So what happened was...
(audience laughs)
(audience applauds)
I was at the birthday party, right?
And Beyonce had came in and her suit was banging.
I was like, "Oh my God, that suit is amazing."
She said the suit was from Christian Siriano.
I was like, "Christian Siriano made that suit?
Oh, I know.
I know Christian Siriano.
I'm a ask him to make me a suit too."
She's like, "Okay."
So then...
(audience laughs)
When he sent me the suit, right,
he gave it to me fresh off the runway, right?
It couldn't even pull up on my thighs or nothing.
It didn't fit, so I was like kind of devastated,
so then I thought to myself, let me call Beyonce mom
and just take a shot in the dark,
see if she'll let me borrow that suit, right?
So I called Beyonce mama.
I say, "Hey, Ms. Tina, how you doing?
(audience laughs)
You know that suit that Beyonce was wearing
that night at the party?
Do you think that Beyonce would let me borrow it?"
She was like, "You know what's crazy is she was talking
about gifting that to you,
but I don't know if you're going to be able to fit in it.
You know, Beyonce had three kids,
and you don't have none."
I was like,
(audience laughs)
"Well,
we'll see, you know.
We'll see.
Girl, I got a needle and thread.
Don't worry about that."
(audience laughs)
Right, so then she called Beyonce.
The next day, the suit is at my house.
The suit is at my front door, and I was like, "Oh my God,
Beyonce is the
(audience cheering) most dopest person
in the whole wide world!"
Beyonce is the epitome of women supporting other women.
That's girl power to the fullest.
She's supporting other women.
That's what I love about her, right?
And then I had put the suit on, and it fit me perfectly.
It was a little loose in the titties,
'cause I don't have none, but it fit me perfectly.
Right, it fit me perfectly.
So then I called Beyonce mama.
I said, "Hey, Ms. Tina, it fit perfect.
The suit fit perfect."
And she was like, "It do?"
I said, "Yeah, it fits.
I mean, it's a little loose in the breast area,
but everything else fits perfectly."
And she was like, "For real?"
I was like, "Yeah."
She was like, "Wow, I'm shocked."
(audience laughs)
I was like, "Shots fired, Ms. Tina!"
(audience laughs)
- Snoop has a TV show where he interviews celebrities.
Everyone in the room is waiting for Snoop to return.
You can hear the small talk.
(imitates people whispering)
All of a sudden, everyone stands up,
and I'm looking around like, what's going on?
And I look at the door to see if Snoop's walking in,
and I don't see him.
And I could see my son.
"Dad, ah, ah!"
I don't realize it,
but Snoop is entering the room through a different door.
I don't realize it 'til like the last second.
I'm like, "What are you, wow!"
So I jump up.
I push in my chair.
I'm so nervous.
I don't know how to address him.
So I'm like...
(audience laughs)
I must have been like, "Hi!"
(audience laughs)
Snoop walks over to me, and he's so cool, you guys.
He's so cool.
He walks over to me and he grabs my hand.
He's really strong.
He pulls me in and he says, "Yo, what it do, baby boo?
How you feel?"
(audience cheering)
(audience laughs)
"Thank you for having me."
"Yeah."
(audience laughs)
"Can I sit down?"
"For sure."
I sit down.
I look over, I see my son.
My son's like...
(audience laughs)
The difference between Snoop's show
versus any other talk show I've ever done is that usually
there's a person, like a producer, or a director,
who comes to you and gives you information,
like how the show begins, topics you're gonna cover,
how you go to commercial, how you come back from commercial.
I've spoken to no one.
Snoop just starts talking,
and at some point, they hit record.
I'm waiting for action,
or a buzzer (imitates buzzer), something.
Snoop just starts talking to me.
"Yo, what up, Big Fluff?"
(audience laughs)
"Big Fluff?
Oh, that's me, hey!"
(audience laughs)
"Yo, you like music?"
"Snoop, I love music.
I love your music."
"Yeah, that's what's up."
He opens up a laptop computer, and then he hits Play,
and the next thing I know,
we are listening to hardcore Mexican Banda music.
(audience laughs)
I mean hardcore.
♪ Da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da ♪
and you can hear gunshots in the song.
♪ Da da da da da ♪
(imitates gun firing)
♪ Da da da da da ♪
(imitates gun firing)
♪ Da da da da da da ♪
and then a cow.
(imitates cow mooing)
(audience laughs)
And the whole time, Snoop is like,
"I love it when he go moo."
(audience laughs)
What?
I feel like he's messing with me because I'm Mexican, right?
So I called him out.
I said, "Snoop, do you understand what you're listening to?"
And he said this, and it scared me.
He said, "Gangster recognize gangster."
(audience laughs)
The reason why it scared me was
because he was telling the truth.
We were listening to actual Mexican cartel songs
that don't play on the radio,
and the fact that he knew that,
the fact that his level of street knowledge
in another language was that on point, I said,
"I gotta shut the hell up."
(audience laughs)
Don't speak unless spoken to.
That's the code.
(audience laughs)
Next thing I know, Snoop reaches under the desk,
and he pulls out the biggest blunt I have ever seen.
(audience laughs)
Oh, this sucker was huge.
As soon as he pulled out that freakin' blunt,
I got excited, because I wanted to grab my cell phone.
Okay, I wanted to grab my cell phone
so that I could take a selfie
of Snoop in the background being Snoop.
So while I'm fumbling, trying to get my phone,
Snoop starts talking to me again.
"Yo, Big Fluff?"
"Huh, yeah, what?"
(audience laughs)
"Hit that while I hit this."
(audience laughs)
The second I went like that, all of the cameras in the room,
red light, red light, red light, red light, red light.
My publicist is like, "No!"
My son is like, "Yeah!"
And now I'm being faced, bro.
I'm being faced with a serious situation, because, you know,
I've talked about friends participating
in doing stuff like this,
but I've never openly talked about myself, you know?
(audience laughs)
And now I realize that from this moment forward,
people are gonna know what happened here with Snoop,
so I started trying to find ways to justify it to myself.
You know?
(audience laughs)
If you're gonna do something like this on camera,
you want it to be with Snoop.
(audience laughs)
You want it to be with Snoop,
(audience cheering)
Cheech and Chong,
or Willie Nelson.
(audience cheering)
Next thing I know, the manager hands me a lighter.
I light it, and I take a big hit.
(inhales deeply)
(audience cheering)
So listen, I'm doing my best to hold in all this smoke,
because I don't wanna look like a punk
in front of Snoop Dogg.
(audience laughs)
I'm trying, I'm fighting, bro.
It's hard, you know.
(gagging)
(audience laughs)
The whole time, Snoop is like, "Hell, yeah.
(audience laughs)
That's what I'm saying.
Fluffy gone puffy today."
(audience laughs)
I do not remember the rest of the interview.
(audience laughs)
What I remember is my buddy Anthony telling Snoop Dogg and I
to stand up for a picture.
"Stand up, get in for a picture!"
And so Snoop and I both stand up to take this picture.
I put my arm around him.
I have to put my arm around him,
because he's much taller than me, okay?
Snoop has me by at least five inches.
(audience laughs)
Shut up, why are you laughing?
(audience laughs)
(upbeat hip-hop music)