- I would prefer someone say,
I hope you get raped-
(mumbling gibberish)
(audience laughing)
whenever you flub a line just River dance.
River dance whenever you flub lines.
And then you get them right back.
- I already got that gun all the way up in that sphincter.
A sigmoid colon. Yup. Yup. Yup.
Keep it in there. That's a good place.
They can't ever find it.
(imitating metal detector)
Can't find it.
- (indistinct) - Pertinent.
- Rips, Subordinate.
- Subordinate Coordinate,
- Coordinates son.
- Coordinates.
(group laughing)
(clapboard clapping)
- Now let's talk about this procedure.
We want to make a incision directly on her diaphragm
and then I'm going to put my dick in her diaphragm.
(people off-screen laughing)
- And crawling, and we crawling, crawling, crawling
And were
crawling. - firing.
And were firing, and were firing, firing firing.
Reload!
- Bout to land! Bout to land!
(indistinct)
- Baby Forrest Whitaker,
- Goo goo. - Don't say a word.
- [Director] And use your right hand
to stroke his thigh a little bit.
(audience laughing)
- [Director] That was just for me, and cut.
(Keegan laughing)
- Keegan has his own language by the way.
- I have my own little language.
It comes out when, whenever we're
done with anything. - [Director] five, four, three
(audience laughing)
- All right, this is one type,
Alright? (audience laughing)
- You were thinking about, you were thinking
about shagoots.
- Thinking about shagoots trying to define it in my mind.
(clapperboard claps)
- By which I mean, you're going to be getting-
fuck!
and you won't be receiving recivible-
(Keegan snapping)
and you won't be receiving-
and you won't be receiving a favorable review on-
and you won't be receiving a receipt-
- I'm giving you a regative-
regative?
- Oh my god why do I look like Jeff Goldbloom's nuts?
(Keegan laughs)
- Some bitch. (Peter singing)
I hate you Peter.
(crew laughing)
Peter.
That's how come it was so damn easy.
Shit.
(Peele snapping)
(trashcan thudding) - Oh shit, it forgot
(Peele snapping)
(trashcan thudding)
- Hip hop and chip chop.
Tony Danza gonorrhea.
Tony Danza Gonorrhea.
- I don't know nothing about these
mm bop da bibbity boppity boop.
The upchuck the boogie to the up-
Why we- (indistinct)
Caw! Caw Caw!
(crew laughing)
- I don't know what these kids takin bout
with the Wu Tang yang, yin yang, walla walla, bing bang.
Justin Bieber, Justin fever fan club.
Sugar hill, hill street, blues, blues cruise, Tom cruise.
Stuff you playing right now, make a brother a snooze.
NWA oh, what do you know?
(indistinct) spectacular?
Talking about flash Gordon, looking for the princess,
living on a different planet, saving the universe stuff.
Its sister mister, sister sister.
Grab a tiger by the toe.
Can't believe I missed the, bull malarkey.
Run DMC, see.
See ya, wouldn't want to be ya.
Don't stop the boogie, to the bang bang boogie
the upchuck-
How nigga talkin bout upchuck?
- Aint nobody talking about upchuck.
- Come on. (both laughing)
- Dude you with long hair looks like
one of the bad guys from temple of doom.
(everyone laughing)
- That is so true.
(clapboard clapping)
- As hundreds of people are-
(fist banging on desk)
(Key yelling)
(paper ripping) I'm fucking weak!
- I grew up next to a zoo, with animal mating calls-
- A minister right here, - out of your window.
Let us sleep over his house.
And it's just-
(loudly cawing)
- Because I have flashbacks, I have night terrors.
Oh yeah that's right.
That was you doing that, not the giraffe?
(both laughing)
- This is mother fucker must be in love
with a woman named Dolly Track.
(people laughing)
- Like if this was the dude he got shot right there.
Yo, you can't scuba dive with no holes in your dick, homie.
Fuck you dude!
Get the fuck out of here!
(people laughing)
- What are you doing?
It's not alright.
What is, what is it? - I don't know.
I don't even know. I'm ashamed.
(everyone laughing)
What is it?
(talking over each other)
- I'm 110% against slavery.
And the same would hold true if they were Asian.
Hey guys, Kwanzaa is a real holiday,
No matter what we say!
White people are jerks and black people are cool!
I like big butts and I refuse to lie about it!
Watch Amistad educate yourself.
(Keegan crying)
- Let it out.
- I'm okay. I'm okay. I'm fine.
- Have a good cry.
- Something something something that rhymes with shy!
- [Director] Okay one more.
- I'm the leader of the free world.
What are you? - Okay.
- You're a child.
- Not for long.
You are a,
- not for long. - little girl.
- Ill rebel.
They're not going to re-elect you
with a crazy out of control daughter are they?
Make sure you get in the-
all right see you just went and hit a squirrel.
(door slamming)
- My Keegan, my Keegan!
Where are you going my Keegan?
(Keegan laughing off-screen)
(Peele laughing)
- ♪Larry's tires for scooters.♪
(everyone laughing)
♪Only, we only sell tiny tires.♪
(everyone laughing)
♪If you're looking for regular size tires, don't come here.♪
(everyone laughing)
- ♪What up? What up my favorite Craig.♪
- What up? What up, its my favorite Craig.
- No I don't know you man.
(clapboard clapping) - Fast forward
until we're looking forward again.
That's probably the best.
- Fast forward until we're looking forward.
- You know we're not, you know we're doing
the scene where we're not looking into the camera
(Peele speaking indistinctly) - right, yeah.
- You don't even need a pigeon.
I will be the messenger-
- I can make, I do mouth noises.
- Wrap a message around my arm - I can
I'm a good-
I'm a drawer I draw.
He does draw, with chalk is his medium.
- There's a black, black people.
There's a difference between
when there was the day of video stores.
(audience laughing)
What happened? What happened right there?
- I snorted. I snorted.
(audience laughing)
Snot comes out of your nose right there.
(singing indistinctly)
(intense outro)