'I can't love a monster, I can't, I won't.'
Welcome back to my Dark Corner of this Sick World.
‘The days when people made fun of me are over’
We’ll see about that.
Zontar: The thing from Venus is a remake of Roger Corman’s It Conquered the World
directed by Larry Cohen, maker of many bad movies
‘You wouldn’t wanna see em’
who manages to scrape the bottom of the production values barrel in a way that even Corman himself couldn’t manage.
‘You know it’s strange, after all this time and money and work the laser satellite is finally ready for launch’
That’s not strange, that’s ham-fisted plot exposition.
'Yes sir, it will be done.'
The film tells the story of a well-meaning scientist who helps an alien named
‘Zontar’
In the belief he will save humanity
‘He is here to save us from ourselves’
and of his friend who has a different approach to alien visitors‘
I don’t know but I don’t like it’
Interesting premise.
‘All our dreams of perfection will be realised’
Let’s not go nuts, there’s problems here,
‘I can’t find anything wrong’
For starters why does the technologically advanced Zontar need to hitch a lift to get here?
‘He drew that satellite to venus, boarded and soon he’ll be with us’
Fucking mooching aliens using our resources, this is exactly how UKIP wins elections.
‘The world has been heading downhill for a long time’
And if that level of bone idleness wasn’t enough, he can’t even be bothered to come up with an original plan
‘Zontar has stopped all power at its source’
Although it’s nice to know he’s seen the Day the Earth Stood Still. That said
‘That means steam’
How do you stop steam?!
‘Your argument just doesn’t hold water’
Zontar then sets about controlling humans by producing bird like creatures to infect them.
‘I saw a funny looking boid’
The thing is he can only do 8 every twelve hours.
'That little baby cost us 50 million bucks'
And rather than using them on military leaders or heads of state he pisses them away on small town nobodies.
There's just nothing there.'
That just doesn’t seem practical
and explains why Zontar never progresses beyond one town
‘That’s ridiculous’
And that’s the other thing
‘What other thing?’
The power outage is worldwide but the rest of the world does nothing
‘I don’t understand it’
there must be people dying on operating tables, planes falling from the sky and we see none of it!
‘Oh don’t be foolish’
And there’s a reason;
by wilfully ignoring the worldwide carnage that must be happening
the movie tries to create a genuine dilemma for our number 1 scientist
when it really ought to be pretty obvious
‘There are no victims’
that Zontar is not here to help!
'My one uncertainty was whether it would be good or evil, and its good.'
He keeps killing people.
'I'll see you in hell first.'
Well she brought it on herself dressing like that, has she never seen an episode of Star Trek?
'I don't think so.'
So what we can establish about this film is that it is riddled with plot-holes,
which may explain a bit of a theme in the dialogue
‘I don’t know exactly’
'I don't understand it.'
'Understand it? O f course not, no one understands it.'
‘I don’t know general’
‘I don’t understand a word you are saying.'
‘I don’t know general’
’ ‘I don’t know’
‘I don’t think I want to know’
‘I don’t know Curt.'
'I don't understand it.'
'I don't know.'
'I don't know'
'I don't know, I really don't know.'
Does anybody know what’s going on with this movie?
‘For the first time I’m confused’
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