- Popping out of your mom is like real estate.
It's all about location, location, location.
(audience laughing)
I popped out here.
Like anybody brown, we popped out here.
We made it.
We're the rappers that made it.
(audience cheering)
What's wild is I never even knew how the whole
"X-Men Origins" story went down.
And it's crazy 'cause our...
We know nothing about our parents,
and our parents know nothing about us.
Like you'll be like, "Dad what's your favorite color?"
"Stanford!"
You're like, "What, no."
(audience laughing)
"No like, I wanna know more about you."
"Why you wanna know about me?
"Get into Stanford."
You're like (sighs)
(audience laughing)
And I think...
I think it's just that like,
immigrants love secrets, right?
Like they love them.
They love bottling them up deep down inside of themselves
and then just unleashing them on you 30 years later
when it's no longer relevant.
So you'll be sitting there like,
"What, mom's a ninja, dad's a Communist?
"Why are you telling me this right now?"
(audience laughing)
I feel like every conversation with my dad
is like an M. Night Shyamalan movie.
(audience laughing)
Where it's just 90 minutes of buildup, to no payoff.
And like--
(audience laughing)
That's the ending?
So my dad marries my mom.
They come to the states.
They have me in Davis, California,
but my mom, she has to go back to India
to finish up med school.
So the first eight years of my life,
it was just me and my dad.
It was just the two of us.
Just two brown dudes trying to make it in America.
Minus all the unconditional love, I gotta be real.
(audience laughing)
You gotta be real.
Brown love is very conditional, like.
You can't hear this in the photo,
but he's like, "You better get all As."
You can't hear that.
(audience laughing)
You know what I mean?
Like, let's be real.
I grew up here, like Pioneer, Holmes, I like,
I grew up here, yeah.
(audience cheering)
But, but Davis was like super White.
Like kind of, I see, yeah it's kind of like tonight.
(audience laughing)
Right?
Like roll call was a problem.
It was a big deal for like a lot of us, right.
What was, what's your name?
- [Josera] Josera.
- [Hasan] Josera, okay what would you get during roll call?
- [Josera] Joseria.
- [Hasan] Joseria?
- [Josera] Yep.
- Yeah, I would get all like, "Hansen Menaja"
(audience laughing)
"Sahan Minha"
"Sadam Hussein"
(audience laughing)
It's my English teacher.
I'm like, "Dude, my name's not Sadam."
What's your name dude?
- [Bichu] Bichu.
- Bichu, what would you get?
- [Bichu] A blank stare.
- A blank stare?
(audience laughing)
It's weird.
So I'm the only brown kid at my school.
My dad's the only brown guy at work.
And so in a weird way, that brings us together.
And we have to do everything together
which sucks 'cause if you're with an immigrant father
you have to try to understand them,
and I still can't understand some of you guys to this day.
Like there's uncles here tonight,
and none of you guys are smiling.
Like, I don't get it.
You're gonna die, fucking laugh.
Like you're not laughing.
Why aren't you laughing?
You guys are always stressed and always tired.
Like you can wake up any immigrant father
from like a 12-hour nap, and they'd still be like,
(groaning) "Why do I have to pay taxes?"
You're like (sighs)
(audience laughing)
We'd do everything.
We'd have to go to the grocery store together.
I remember we'd be in the grocery store,
and my, we'd be walking through the aisles,
and my dad would like pick up yogurt.
I'd try to to understand, I'm like, "Ah, yogurt."
Or like milk, just like, "Ah, doodh."
(audience laughing)
And I looked at him, I'd be like,
"Oh, man, like dad, hey, it's yogurt!"
(audience laughing)
He hates milk.
But I get that look now.
And it's like, you know, life is tough,
and sometimes you don't know what you're doing.
And he's my age.
He has a little kid.
And I'm not making his life any easier.
I'm like picking up soda in the aisles,
I'm like (yelling)
It's like, "Hasan, don't do that!"
I'm like, "I'm a kid, I'm gonna live forever!"
And I would trip on my velcro shoes,
and I would drop the soda in the aisle,
and it would explode.
And then my dad would do
what most brown parents do to this day.
He'd check to see if the coast is clear.
(audience laughing)
And he'd slap the shit out of me, and--
(audience laughing)
I love it, thank you.
Thank you.
Pockets for acknowledging that.
And for the liberal white guilt, look.
Immigrants aren't gonna hit their children
the way you guys do.
Americans hit their kids on the arm and bruise their body.
Immigrants slap you across the face and bruise your soul.
It's Guantanamo of the mind.
(audience clapping)
And I know some of you guys are like,
"No, hey!
"No, this is Davis, okay?
"I listen to NPR, Ira Glass says children are our future."
You know what?
Have you seen the show on NBC called "The Slap"?
This is a real show on NBC.
This is a real show on NBC about a white kid
that gets slapped at a birthday party.
Are you fucking kid...
13 episodes!
For this kid?
Are you kidding me?
Do you wanna know when brown kids get at birthday parties?
Every brown birthday party!
(audience laughing)
(smooth music)