[music playing]
Harper, I have a huge prob--
Whoa. You're dressed as a normie.
Look away.
The pain of this poly cotton blend
against my skin is a direct reflection
of the pain I feel inside.
I can't just tell Double Dutch what I think.
But isn't that exactly what you're hired to do?
Carly, sweet Carly, you know nothing.
[sighing] Is it that time of day
where you drag your depression down the hall
from Spencer's apartment to ours?
I can't talk to him.
I'm not dating. I'm not making videos.
I'm too embarrassed about my life.
You should be.
Your legs look like Eugene Levy's eyebrows.
You said that was feminist.
Ah, you were texting in the group chat
to, like, 3:00 A.M. last night.
I swore I would never meet my bestie, but you tested me.
So what'd you bring the host?
It's half and half. Where's the bar?
They make baby carriers for goldfish?
They make everything on Etsy.
Clearly, you didn't check my registry.
I don't believe in registries. No one tells me how to shop.
Oh, come on, who cares what I think?
Me, me cares.
But why does me care?
What, just 'cause I'm young, cool,
and probably the hottest person you'll ever meet in real life?
Problem. I showed Ramona pictures of Freddie.
She doesn't wanna go out with him.
This could scar him forever.
Relax, it happens to everyone... else.
I have a surprise.
Did you do the dishes?
I said "surprise", not miracle.
Harper, what are you doing here?
Oh, Spencer asked me to come. At first I was like, "Why?"
but then immediately I was like, "I don't care."
Have you seen anyone acting suspicious?
Yeah, those two Mensa candidates.
You know, on the one hand, I'm annoyed
that you're doing this at my place of work
but on the other hand, thank you for giving me a front row seat
to something that is sure to be a total disaster.
I'm here for you.
Oh, but that guy's a good tipper. Bye.
The salt will neutralize the pepper spray!
Oh, God, I was so wrong!
Hey, right here, right here.
Your friends have to leave.
They're not my friends. I don't know these people.
- Sorry, Harper. - Lucky guess.
Harper!
What? I was listening to my rejection playlist.
Are these "I love you" flowers or "I'm sorry" flowers?
They're for you from a fan
which makes them "please scrub our address from the internet
so I can feel safe in my own home" flowers.
God, weddings stuck.
So you're wearing that in protest?
No, I'm wearing this because I'm tired
of being punished for looking good.
Do you know how many weddings I've been uninvited to
because I outshined the bride at the rehearsal dinner?
So you're wearing a white dress?
Um, this is off off cream.
Engagement, bridal shower, bachelor, bachelorette,
rehearsal dinner, wedding, post-wedding brunch.
If you haven't had seven parties
celebrating your conformity to social norms,
did you even get married?
Hot wedding guest one, hot wedding guest two,
hot wedding guest three.
That's my number. You reprogramed me.
You're hot, you're a wedding guest,
and at one point, you gave me your number.
Now, wait a minute, that's... all totally true. Carry on.
How much longer is this gonna take?
How much longer is it gonna take for me
to make my dreams come true so I can leave my dead end job?
I don't know, but I'll keep you posted.
I have to leave for my interview
with that big stylist in 17 seconds. How do I look?
Uh, here, let me just--
I was actually just looking for validation, but...
She's meddling!
As your friend, La Roux, Cookie and I
will never forget your generosity.
But as your assistant manager, you--
Let me stop you right there.
This job is holding me back in all types of ways,
so as your employee, I say, "I quit."
But as your friend, I say, "Drinks this weekend?" Aight.
And then I threw my apron down in a very cool
and not embarrassing way
And I said, "CJ, you can't stop my dreams."
And then I stormed out
as the crowd of customers cheered.
Millicent told a different story.
You know, she be lying.
Ooh, how are you feeling now that you're unemployed?
Fantastic. Like, there's a world of opportunity
in front of me. You?
Absolute same.
[laughing]
Full of doom and peril.
Like every decision I've ever made was a mistake.
- Hide under a blanket? - You read my mind.
Spencer's life makes me so sad. I'm over it. Girls' trip!
Yay, you guys.
Oh, Freddie, you know what could be fun for you?
Get the bags.
May I sketch you?
[music playing]
Are we about to live out my Titanic fantasy?
Ya'll know how that movie ends right?!
Go up there. Freddie needs to learn
that it's besties before testes.
Yeah, you know what? You do that too.
Tell me it's cousins before huggins.
Not as good, but yeah.
Mm.
Spencer'll help you.
He's the best at puzzles, isn't that right, Harper?
He's the best at nothing.
Yeah, I already got one of Fred's weird eyes--
I found his cowlick!
$15,000 to fix a car?
You can get one-third of a Birkin bag for that.
Purses cost that much?
Great. Now you got me thinking about purses,
which has reminded me of the styling job
with Dutch, which I'm trying not to think about.
You brought up the purse.
Oh, so now we blaming the victim?
Thank you, Fredward.
[both] You got the job?
[both] You got the job!
Yay.
Oh, there's even a picture of Roxy to remind me
that I'm doing better than her. My L-F-C-U-M-E-B-M.
L-F-C-U-M-E-B-M?
Least favorite cousin unless Maeve ever betrays me.
Okay.
Just be your authentic self.
[phone chiming]
'Ello, Harper Designs, Ms. Pennyfeather speaking,
how may I help you?
It's Dutch.
I'll see if Ms. Harper's available.
Ah, Ms. Pennyfeathers,
the hardest working fake assistant in the biz.
Is this Hell?
No. Hell at least has Lil Nas X.
Dutch is the only one
from the music lineup who showed.
My best friend was getting an award.
I rented enough runway to land a plane.
Ah, that's sweet. Ya liar.
You packed all these cute clothes
so you could look good for Dutch. You like her.
How dare you... read me so accurately?
Well, things could always be worse.
I hate when people try to cheer you up
by saying, "things could be worse"
unless you know a specific person
for whom things are worse. In which case, dish.
It's Freddie.
Oh, poor guy. Tell me everything.
I can feel my emotional healing already.
Our bet is making me feel gross.
[music playing]
I agree.
I should have never stooped to your level. Truce?
Oh, beautiful ceremony.
- So meaningful. - Thank you.
Call me, bubbelah.
I win. Enjoy the compost festival, sucker.