-Oh, yes. Oh, it's so good to be here.
Look at me out here dressed like Ellen.
[ Laughter ]
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Oh, man. I'm celebrating 'cause today marks 23 years
of me being not sober.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ] Yeah, yeah.
And if you're sober, I'm a people pleaser,
so, oh, my God, me too.
[ Laughter ]
I'm so sober for several hours a day.
And then the day gets better.
I have friends that judge my drinking.
They're like, "You know, that stuff
will take years off your life."
I'm like, "Eh, not the good ones."
[ Laughter ]
Come on, I'm not going to treat these good years hoping to get
those years where I lose control of my bodily faculties,
I forget everything, and I fall down everywhere I go
when I can enjoy all of that right now.
[ Laughter ]
Thanks to drinking. Yeah.
[ Cheers and applause ] Yeah.
I trust drinkers. They're fun, you know?
I saw a guy with a hat on the other day.
It said, "I'm an alcoholic.
My favorite thing in the world is drinking outdoors
and I want everyone to know it."
Well, it didn't say all that. It just said "Yeti."
[ Laughter and applause ]
But that's what it meant.
Come on, nobody loves "coolers" that much.
[ Laughter ]
That's like somebody who loves nose candy
wearing a hat that says "mirrors."
[ Laughter and applause ]
Thank you.
I have the body of a drinker.
I got a little tummy. I shouldn't have a tummy.
I take long walks almost every single morning,
you know, to go get my car. And --
[ Laughter ]
But, no, I have a little tummy. I got a double chin.
Does anybody in here have the -- Look at this.
[ Laughter ] Yeah, look at me.
I'm Chinning Tatum. You know?
[ Laughter ]
But I like my double chin. It keeps me safe, right?
You couldn't put me in a headlock, right?
Try to put me in a headlock. You'd be like, "I got ya."
I'd be like, "Nope."
[ Laughter ]
Couldn't do it. [ Applause ]
You couldn't do it.
And I'm not a bad-looking guy.
From here on up, you're like, "Oh, who's that?" You know?
Right? But here I just got this going on.
I always look like you took a photograph of
a super-good-looking guy right when he was at
the down bounce of a diving board.
[ Laughter ]
Like yes, yes, no.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Yeah. Ah, thank you.
But you can't choose where you store fat on your body.
Doesn't that suck? Right?
If I could choose, I'd store it underneath my feet.
'Cause then when people are like, "Dude, how fat are you?"
I'll be like, "6'4."
[ Laughter ]
"I'm so fat, I can dunk, bro."
I[ Laughter ]
It just feels good to be here.
It feels good to connect with people again, you know?
I love connecting. That's my favorite thing.
I was talking to this guy after my show.
He was this big, burly biker dude.
Teardrop tattoo, right? We all know what that means.
I'm just trying to connect. I'm like, "Ah, I've been
thinking about getting one of those."
[ Laughter ]
"Oh, I am a cryer."
[ Laughter ]
Oh, yeah. [ Cheers and applause ]
I was like, "Have you seen the movie 'The Notebook?'"
[ Laughter ] "If you're a bird, I'm a bird."
Yeah, I like to choose kindness.
I'll tell you what. I would never ghost a gal.
Do you guys know what ghosting a gal is?
[ Laughter ]
Well, there's lots of different variations nowadays.
But traditionally speaking it's where a man has sex with a lady
and afterwards he never calls her,
texts her, or sees her again.
He just vanishes like a ghost.
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, well, let me tell you what, fellas.
Don't do that. That is rude business.
Put the power in her hands.
Don't ghost. Smother.
[ Laughter ]
It's way more effective.
[ Laughter ]
Next time you have sex with that lady for the first time,
she falls sleep next to you,
send her an accidental text message.
Send her a text message that says,
"Hey, Mom, think I met the one."
[ Laughter and applause ]
Yeah.
"I can't be too sure, but I'm watching her sleep right now."
[ Laughter ]
As soon as she wakes up, as soon as her peepers flutter open,
your head needs to be right there and go, "Hey, guess what."
And she'll be like, "What?" And you'll be like,
"Forever starts right now."
[ Laughter and applause ]
Yeah. Yeah.
You'll be single like that.
[ Laughter ]
Yeah. Don't ghost. Haunt.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Alright, you guys, I'm Pete Lee. Thanks for being a great crowd.
Thank you very much.