If you're watching this show while you're driving,
first of all, don't do that.
And, second, you may want to hold your breath for this.
Hey, we all love that new car smell, right?
But according to a new study, that scent could be dangerous.
Researchers found the smell carries in it
dangerous carcinogens.
They measured high levels of cancer-causing particles
in the air and dust inside cars.
Formaldehyde and benzene are used by manufacturers
in carpets and leather and paints in the cabinet,
and researchers say drivers with long commutes
are likely the most at risk.
Oh, man, come on!
Why are scientists such killjoys?
I mean, just once, I'd like to hear about a new study
that says something fun was good for you.
But it's always like, "Oh, puppies give you gonorrhea."
That's where I got mine from.
But, yes, apparently,
new car smell is carcinogenic,
which, luckily for me, isn't a problem
because I haven't been able to smell anything in months.
Yeah-- Oh, wait...
And, yeah, it really shouldn't come as a surprise
that such an unnatural smell is bad for you.
I mean, you'll never find something in a botanical garden
that smells like a Kia Sorento.
But, please, we should be clear,
the fact that something emits carcinogens
does not mean that it causes cancer.
The most dangerous thing about driving
is still driving.
I mean, think about it.
Every single person you know has,
at some point in their life,
tripped while walking up the stairs. Everyone has.
Now put that person in charge of a 4,000-pound piece of metal
going 70 miles an hour.
That seems like a bigger problem than a smell
that might make you sick in 30 years.
Now, obviously,
people who are driving old cars have nothing to worry about.
Although, their next visit to the doctor
is gonna be real uncomfortable.
"The good news is you do not have cancer.
"The bad news is you're a broke-ass bitch.
"Now, there are treatment options,
"but, Lord knows, you can't afford any of them,
you broke bitch."
Moving on from new car smells
to the man who's still got that new president smell,
Joseph Range Rover Biden.
Biden has nominated one of the most diverse cabinets ever.
It's got Black people, women,
Hispanics, Native Americans,
and even child robots.
But, first,
Biden's nominations have to be approved by the Senate.
And one of Biden's lesser-known picks
has run into some trouble over her itchy Twitter fingers.
Consideration of Neera Tanden
to lead the Office of Management and Budget
is now, frankly, in jeopardy
after more senators have come out against her.
Republicans Rob Portman of Ohio, Susan Collins of Maine,
and Mitt Romney of Utah all citing
Tanden's past tweets criticizing Republicans.
A Romney spokesperson called them "mean tweets."
You wrote that Susan Collins is "the worst,"
that Ted-- Tom Cotton is a fraud,
that vampires have more heart than Ted Cruz.
Uh, you called Leader McConnell "Moscow Mitch"
and Voldemort,
um, and on and on.
There are still nine pages of tweets
about Senator Ted Cruz, for example.
Read them! Read the tweets!
Read every single one of those tweets!
Look, I'm glad to see Melania's Be Best program
is finally paying off, but if tweeting mean things
about Ted Cruz disqualifies you from serving in government,
well, there's not gonna be anyone left to run the country.
Even Mitch McConnell would be out in these streets, like,
"Uh, Ted Cruz looks like Wolverine after a bad divorce.
"Send.
"I resign.
"It was worth it.
Mah."
Regardless, though,
I will say it is really nice
to see that Republican senators have finally figured out
how to read mean tweets.
Because, just six months ago,
whenever a reporter asked a Republican senator to comment
on a Trump tweet,
well, then they would say they hadn't seen it
and then jump out of a window, grab onto a ladder
attached to a helicopter and fly out of there...!
Now, Neera Tanden did apologize for her tweets,
but I think that was her biggest mistake.
If Donald Trump has taught us anything,
it's that doubling down on being an asshole
is how you earn Republicans' respect.
She should have come into that hearing, like,
"Senator, I never would have called you a sweaty bitch
"if I had known just how bad you smelled,
you smelly-ass, sweaty bitch."
-"I vote to confirm." -(gavel bangs)
And, finally, the coronavirus vaccine,
A.K.A. Zoom's worst nightmare.
For many people, the vaccine is still too hard to get,
which is why some Floridians are really pissed off
that their governor appears to be playing favorites.
NEWSMAN: The vaccine rollout in Florida
surrounded a new controversy tonight.
Governor Ron DeSantis is accused of playing politics
with the coronavirus vaccine.
A state COVID vaccination site popped up
in a very wealthy, exclusive neighborhood,
and many Florida residents want the governor
to keep vaccine distribution fair.
Listen to Governor DeSantis.
You know, I'll tell you what,
I mean, I wouldn't be complaining.
I'd be thankful that we're able to do it,
because, you know what, we didn't need to do this at all.
We saw a need. We want to get the numbers up for seniors.
He struck a deal with a Republican donor of his
who had developed a large, largely white,
Republican community and a Republican-elected official.
He basically sent additional vaccine to Republican voters.
Okay.
I know this sounds bad,
but, if you ask me,
the most hardcore Republicans should be vaccinated first.
Yeah, I said it. Because-- think about it--
they're the ones going into bars without masks
and feeding each other mouth-to-mouth like baby birds.
If we vaccinate their asses,
it'll stop them from infecting the rest of us.
And, look, I get that people are upset
that DeSantis may have given preferential treatment
to his supporters, but, if that's true,
can you blame the man?
I mean, guys, if I got extra doses of the vaccine,
I would also give them to my friends.
Maybe the blame should be on all those poor Black people
who never made the effort to be friends
with Governor Ron DeSantis, hmm?
I mean, maybe if you people had taken the time to say hi
or ask him how he was doing
or donate a million dollars to his campaign,
maybe you wouldn't be in this situation.
Hmm?
Hmm...?