Hey everyone it's Kelly again and I am back with just a little less camouflage makeup
from my last video, and a slightly new setup.
The camera right now is set up on a ladder, a printer, Downton Abbey Seasons 1, 2 and 3
two binders, coasters, a tour guide book for Italy, and the seventh season of the Big
Bang Theory.
I decided that I should do my first How To video.
Is a makeup tutorial a how to video?
It doesn't matter.
So, I've been living in Germany for about 14 months now and have had to drive on the
Autobahn a lot.
And I thought that maybe I could share with all of you the experiences I've gained as
a little American driving on the big highways of Germany.
If you're nervous at all about driving on the autobahn, you can relax.
My dad once called me the poster child for distracted driving and I'm not exactly proud
of it.
I am a terrible driver.
It's bad.
And so if I can do it, I'm pretty sure anyone can.
Even if you have cataracts, or aren't even a person...I don't know, octopus hands?
Does that make sense?
Anyway.
The first thing you need to know is that Autobahn does not refer to some mythical speed limitless
road that only exists in like one part of Germany.
It basically means their highway system and you're going to have an impossible time avoiding it
unless you want to spend hours and hours of your life driving through all these teeny
tiny German villages that all look identical.
Yes, that might sound cute and quaint at first, but trust me, after like your fifth one, you're
going to be like "oh wow another half-timbered house" or "ooh. another steeple" and then
you're going to be like is that the same dog that we've seen in every village being walked
by the same old lady?
Seriously?
Is that the same dog?
How is that possible?
I need to know.
So the autobahn has varying speed limits and I know that sounds obvious but it goes from
like 130 kilometers per hour down to like 80, back up to 100, up to 110 and all within
a very very short distance.
Like, way shorter than you would ever imagine.
So if you get distracted easily like I do by eating food, or maybe thinking about the
air speed velocity of an unladen swallow, then you will probably miss the speed limits
and it's very difficult to gauge off of the other cars what the speed limit is.
But my German boyfriend taught me a trick which was to just do the best you can until
you get to the next entrance ramp, and where all those cars are entering the highway, there
should be another speed limit sign posted and if there isn't, then cool, you're in that
zone that means you can go whatever speed you want.
No, like seriously, you can go whatever speed you want.
As fast as you want, as slow as you want?
There's gotta be a minimum speed limit.
Who would ever go the minimum speed limit?
So in America, we have this weird obsession with these super fancy fast cars which I never
understood because our speed limits on highways top out at like 70 miles per hour or maybe
80 if you're driving in the middle of nowhere Montana.
So you would probably expect to see these really fast cars on the German Autobahn, but
you don't.
You see station wagons.
Station wagons rule the Autobahn.
No, they don't look like the station wagons you probably had when you were like 6 years old
with the wood paneling and all that.
They're like fancy station wagons but the point is, they are station wagons.
You will just be cruising along, going your speed, and then your car will just shake with
absolute ferocity as a middle-aged consultant goes screaming by you in his station wagon
BMW.
They don't pay for their own gas, they don't pay for their own cars even, I don't know
why I don't have that job, and they spend like 70% of their time on the road.
So they're basically the honey badgers of the autobahn in that they just don't care.
So speaking of speed, do not do what a lot of Americans do and just park yourself in
the passing lane no matter what speed you're going.
Only go into the left lane if you're going to be actively passing a car.
Once you go into the left lane, start paying really close attention to your rear view mirror
because if you see a car rapidly gaining on you, then that probably means that he is going
way faster than you and you should probably move over.
And if you're not paying attention for whatever reason, and you see someone flashing their
lights behind you or turning on their left turn signal, that's that person trying to
tell you, "Hey!
I want to go way faster than what you're going, so move over." and just do it.
The next thing you need to know to survive the autobahn is the entire geography of Germany
because they don't label their highways with the direction of travel like we're used to.
So there's no I-80 East or I-5 North.
No, it's like two signs for two different exits going in two completely opposite directions
and they're both labeled as just A6 with a list of cities underneath it.
If you're from Germany and you know where the heck Darmstadt is then good for you and
why are you watching my video?
Please keep watching.
But if you're like me and you're unfamiliar with all the cities in Germany then you're
going to have some emotional moments.
Now there is some organization to the labeling of the autobahn because this is Germany after
all.
The highways that run east and west are even numbered and the highways that run north and
south are odd numbered.
I don't know if that's going to come in handy for you, but you're welcome if it does.
On to my favorite topic - Staus.
Stau basically means traffic jam and there are all varying levels.
Just a plain old stau means heavy traffic but if you hear the term "Voll Sperrung" then
that means you should probably give up on anything that you had planned for the day
because you're going to be sitting in your car for like 6 hours, minimum.
No, I'm serious.
Like 6 hours.
Germans will literally keep bottles of water in their car for this exact situation.
And I hope you brought toilet paper and no sense of shame, because your options for the
bathroom include the side of the highway.
I'm serious.
People will be getting out of their car, walking to the side of the highway, and going to the
bathroom.
Imagine it.
And that's how you lose your dignity.
The good news is that if you're coming up to a stau, everyone will put on their 4-way
hazard lights so that you know you need to suddenly slow down.
So the last thing you need to know is that it is illegal to pull over on the side of
the autobahn.
It is a non-option.
So if you're going to be driving on the autobahn, make sure you have enough gas and you're not
going to have any mechanical issues.
If you've completely failed at life and you have to pull over, then you absolutely better
have the little safety kit in your car and set up those orange reflective triangles,
like, immediately.
Okay cool, well that's basically every law that governs the German autobahn.
I'm joking.
Thanks for watching and click subscribe because I'm going to keep making videos that showcase
all of my talent and knowledge.
Bye!
Bye.
Ok bye!