The setting - Glen Cove Long Island, the time - the late nineteen eighties,
the inciting incident - tonight is the opening night of "Our Town" the Glen Cove high school play
by seminal American playwright Thornton Wilder.
And now for the characters - this is Belinda Santiago, Philippine American goddess,
this is my best friend Tom Brezinski. "Hey, London, I found these in the gym, you going commando?"
Those aren't mine. Don't lie, London, your mother sews your name right into them.
He's right my mother does sew my name into all my underwear. Checking out Belinda?
No! Shut up!
You wanna score with her, simple, a chicks pussy is wired directly to her face.
If you want poontang, get her alone and stare her in the eye, like this.
That's how you unlock the padlocks to her clit.
Tom's advices have really been questionable.
Dope Ass, shut up!
Remember it's all about the connection, second you let her out of your sight, she is prey for some other guy.
So, you never let her out of your sight.
Dope Ass, shut the fuck up!
Oh, yeah, that's Dope Ass, the neighbor's dog and the agent of my undoing.
The sky is beginning to show streaks of light over in the East there, behind our mountain.
Here's Bob Williamson, he will be completely bald in five years.
Jacot Bianco, he pronounces "paradigm" -"paradigm" Michelle Duggar ,she dresses like this in real life,
and Belinda again, we already know how I feel about this girl.
and there comes to Joe Cromwel Junior delivering Mr Webb sentinel.
I have one job to do.
And there comes to Joe Cromwel Junior.
Jo Cromwel! Where are you Joe? Deliver the paper.
That was my first and last performance.
But there's always the cast party, the cast party at Swenson's ice cream parlor,
the social event of the season.
The air is fragrant with smell of ice cream and hair gel. Tonight is the electric, anything could happen.
This is Benny Biancomano, he flexes his biceps at every party.
Here is the fun fact about Tony Aiello, his parachute pants melted to his moped exhaust pipe,
had to have them surgically removed. Here's Sharon Cohen.
She's secretly pregnant and will give birth on the roller coaster at Six Flags Great Adventure.
The Mohen twins, always wrestling, Ricky Kateriny spirals that hair like Bon Jovi.
This is Mr Gold, our music teacher, aka spaghetti head, Barbara Banzano, yes she is as stupid as she looks.
Mika Festopolis has some incurable skin disease, Greg Maroney, aka Buter Bob.
And here is me, striking my sexy pose like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman.
Could it be, no, it's not true. It is, it's Belinda and she's alone.
Hi! Hi! Well, they always say to talk about what you know,
Are you a fan of Little House on the Prairie? No, but I do like those amazing animals.
The one with the moon walk in my car. I collect exotic chemicals and you?
Your aunt fed you a glass grape? Well she didn't protest when I put it in my mouth.
Did you know Mr Vandresik is gay?
Is that why he hangs the boys on the coat hook by their underwear?
What do you call your man part? Rose, after my grandmother. The night couldn't get much better.
Would you like to drive me home? Until I'm overcome by the need to take a mean shit. Sure.
We could stop at the high school parking lot.
I should go to the bathroom, but I can't get Tom's advice out of my head.
Hey, ass wipe, never let her out of your sight.
Check, please. I make one futile attempt to use the toilet. Hi, can you hurry up please?
Piss off, London!
But it just not gonna happen.
When I leave Swenson's hand-in-hand with Belinda, I'm a superstar, I'm Bon Jovi,
Bruce Springsteen and Rob Halford, all wrapped up in one.
It almost makes me forget, I have to shit my brains out.
The drive to the parking lot was the longest fifteen minutes of my life.
A cramp renders me paralyzed.
Watch out! Are you ok?
I should just tell Belinda the truth that really have to go to the bathroom.
There's a kidney stone the size of a small diamond passing through my urethra. I don't.
Isn't that something four-year-olds get?
I had my first attack at seven. The pain is so great my body is shaking uncontrollably.
You're shaking uncontrollably.
It's nothing, just having a mild seizure.
What should I do? Should I hold your tongue? How about this? Suddenly we're making out.
I'm making out with Belinda Santiago. It's the agony and the ecstasy.
This is happening, it's actually happening and it's awesome, I'm touching her.
Oh, my God, what was that?
Can't that wait?
No, nasty habit, need one now.
Why are you opening and closing the door like that?
I have Tourette syndrome, sometimes I do things involuntarily.
I have literally seconds before I shit myself.
Are we going somewhere?
Yes, home!
It's only nine o'clock.
I have very strict parents, they're Jews for Jehovah.
But, we're not finished.
Oh, yes we are.
You think I'm a dog!
You have to believe me, I'm very attracted to you.
Then why are you being so rude?
I'm a gentleman I don't like to rush things.
Slow down, you, fucking asshole!
Get out!
You're dead to me, London! Dead!
Three houses before I'm home, I could no longer hold it in.
Is that you, Andy? Yes. Don't forget to turn off the lights.
Tonight I committed social suicide, I might as well be dead.
You, rotten mother fucker, give me back my son's underwear!
Now, this was the performance Glen Cove had been waiting for.
It's no business, like show business, like no business I know.
Everything about it is appealing, everything that traffic will allow.
Nowhere could you get that happy feeling, when you're stealing that extra ball.
There's no people like show people, they smile when they are low.
Yesterday they told you, you would not go far, that night you open and there you are.