( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: WELCOME TO "THE LATE
SHOW."
HEY, EVERYBODY!
SO NICE TO HAVE YOU HERE.
I'M YOU HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS ) LET'S SEE, LET'S SEE.
HOW WAS YOUR DAY?
WHAT'S IN THE NEWS?
WHAT'S GOING ON?
EL CHAPO IS EL SCREWED-O.
( LAUGHTER ) WHAT ELSE?
OH, AMMONDASH HAS GOT THESE THINGS, AMAZON HAS THESE DASH
BUTTONS ON LINE SO IT'S EASIER TO ORDER.
THAT'S A WHOLE NEW WORLD.
>> Jon: YEAH, ALEXA.
>> Stephen: PLAY-OFFS ARE THIS WEEKEND.
OH, OH, THERE'S THIS ONE THING.
IF YOU'RE WAKING UP FROM A COM COMA-- BAD TIMING, FIRST OF
ALL,.
( LAUGHTER ) DONALD TRUMP HAS BEEN SWORN IN
AS PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.
I KNOW, I KNOW.
LISTEN, LISTEN, WE'RE JUST AS CONFUSED AS YOU ARE, AND WE'VE
BEEN WEAK THIS WHOLE TIME.
, OF COURSE, THIS IS TRUMP, OKAY.
EVEN THOUGH HE'S PRESIDENT, HE LOVES TO TWEET AND INAUGURATION
DAY IS NO DIFFERENT.
HE TWEETED, "WE CAN'T LET THIS HAPPEN.
WE SHOULD MARCH ON WASHINGTON AND STOP THIS TRAVESTY.
OUR NATION IS TOTALLY DIVIDED!" I'M SORRY.
I'M SORRY.
THAT WAS FROM OBAMA'S 2012 ELECTION.
MY APOLOGIES.
HE FEELS PRETTY GOOD ABOUT THIS ONE FOR SOME REASON.
AT THE INAUGURAL, TRUMP MADE AN ENTRANCE WITH A TIE THE LENGTH
OF AN AIRCRAFT CARRIER.
THAT IS-- THAT IS A LOT OF RED TIE.
THAT IS "MAKE AMERICA TIE AGAIN" I THINK IS THE MOTTO.
IT LOOKED LIKE THE UNDERBELLY OF A RAINBOW TROUT.
BUT THE THING IS, WHATEVER THE PRESIDENT WEARS AT THE INAUGURAL
SETS A FASHION TREND FOR MEN.
FOR THE NEXT FOUR YEARS.
J.F.K. FAEMSLY DID NOT WEAR A HAT, SO MEN STOPPED WEARING HATS
IN THE 1960s.
SO IN HONOR OF OUR NEW PRESIDENT...
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IT'S VERY HANDY.
IT'S VERY HANDY.
YOU CAN USE IT FOR ALL SORTS OF THINGS, LIKE-- YOU COULD USE IT
TO HIDE AN ERECTION, FOR INSTANCE, WHICH I WILL NOT HAVE
FOR FOUR YEARS NOW.
( APPLAUSE ) LET'S SEE, LET'S SEE, LET'S SEE.
ON OH, HILLARY CLINTON WAS THERE.
THAT WAS SO NICE OF HER TO ACTUALLY BE THERE.
DON'T YOU THINK?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THAT WAS REALLY BIG OF HER TO BE
THERE.
IT COULD NOT HAVE BEEN EASY TO LEAVE HER SQUIRREL FRIENDS BACK
IN THE FOREST.
HERE SHE IS-- THIS IS HER MAKING SMALL TALK WITH PRESIDENT BUSH.
"I ACTUALLY GOT MORE VOTES THAN HE DID.
YEAH, LIKE GORE."
NOW, IF-- ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) DID YOU GUYS WATCH IT?
DID YOU GUYS WATCH IT THIS AFTERNOON?
IF IT SEEMED A LITTLE DARK IN THE CAPITOL, IT WAS EITHER
BECAUSE IT WAS OVERCAST OR BECAUSE MICHELLE OBAMA WAS
THROWING SO MUCH SHADE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) STILL, SHE LOOKED BEAUTIFUL.
SHE LOOK FANTASTIC IN THAT RED DRESS.
IT WAS AMACING.
MEANWHILE, MELANIA LOOKED STUNNING IN HER SKY BLUE, RALPH
LAUREN HEAD-TRANSPORTATION DEVICE.
( LAUGHTER ) I'M SO SORRY THE REST OF HER
COULDN'T MAKE IT.
I WAS SO SORRY.
BUT,SH, THE FASHION STAR OF THE DAY WAS COUNSELOR TO THE
PRESIDENT, KELLYANNE CONWAY.
I WOULD DESCRIBE THAT LOOK AS "NUTCRACKER WHO CAME TO LIFE,
BUT ONLY GOT HALFWAY THERE."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) NOW--
♪ ♪ ♪ IF YOU LOOK CLOSELY-- THIS IS
TRUE-- HER BUTTONS ARE ACTUALLY LITTLE ANGRY CAT HEADS.
VERY BOLD FOR HER TO WEAR PUSSIES THAT CLOSE TO THE
NEW PRESIDENT.
>> Jon: OH!
OH!
>> Stephen: THE PODIUM TODAY HELD FOUR OF OUR PREVIOUS
PRESIDENTS, AND IT WAS INSPIRING TO SEE OUR NEXT FOUR PRESIDENTS
ALL MARCHING IN TOGETHER.
>> Jon: WOW!
>> Stephen: NOW, RIGHT OFF THE TOP, THE REVEREND SAMUEL
RODRIGUEZ GOT THINGS STARTED WITH A STIRRING INVOCATION.
>> GOD BLESSES THOSE WHO ARE HUMBLE, FOR THEY WILL INHERIT
THE EARTH.
>> Stephen: YES, THE HUMBLE WILL INHERIT THE EARTH.
PEOPLE WHO BRAG A LOT GET THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.
AND, MY MAN, TIMOTHY CARDINAL DOLAN, OF COURSE, QUOTED
SOLOMON.
>> FROM YOUR GLORIOUS THRONE, DISPATCH HER THAT SHE MAY BE
WITH US AND WORK WITH US THAT WE MAY GRASP WHAT IS
PLEASING TO YOU.
>> Stephen: YES, "THAT WE MAY GRASP WHAT IS PLEASING TO
YOU."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
I BELIEVE THAT'S THE SAME PRAYER TRUMP SAID TO BILLY BUSH ON THAT
BUS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) LET US GRASP.
LET US GRASP.
WHAT IS PLEASING.
NOW, THERE WERE SOME REALLY NICE MOMENTS TODAY.
LIKE AFTER MIKE PENCE WAS SWORN IN, WE WERE TREATED TO A
BEAUTIFUL RENDITION OF "AMERICA THE BEAUTIFUL" BY THE L.L. BEAN
CATEGORY.
( LAUGHTER ) THEN-- YOU REALLY CAN'T BUTTON
YOUR COAT IF YOUR TIE IS THIS LONG.
IT LOOKS LIKE HALF OF IT IS TRYING TO ESCAPE OUT A BACK
DOOR.
THEN-- ( LAUGHTER )
CAN YOU TELL I'M TRYING TO DELAY THIS PART OF THE MONOLOGUE AS
LONG AS POSSIBLE.
THEN CAME THE BIG MOMENT.
DONALD TRUMP TAKING THE OATH OF OFFICE WITH HIS HAND ON LINKON'S
BIBLE.
AND I HAVE BEEN ASSURED THAT IT WAS CONSENSUAL.
SO THAT'S IT.
DONALD TRUMP IS PRESIDENT.
HE KNOWS THE LAUNCH CODES.
AND HE HASN'T TWEETED THEM YET.
SO FAR, SO GOOD.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THEN, OF COURSE,-- GOTTA STAY HOPEFUL.
LITTLE THINGS.
LITTLE VICTORY.
THEN IT WAS TIME FOR THE SPEECH.
THERE WERE SOME NICE THINGS ABOUT IT.
IT WAS SHORT, AND IT OPENED ON A GRACIOUS NOTE.
>> PEOPLE OF THE WORLD, THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: AND THE WORLD SAID, "HEY, MAN, DO NOT PIN THIS ON
US.
WE DIDN'T VOTE.
WE DID NOT-- NOTHING TO DO WITH IT.
WE'RE CLEAN!
WE'RE CLEAN."
( APPLAUSE ) TRUMP HAD A MESSAGE ABOUT THE
GRIDLOCK OF WASHINGTON.
>> THAT IS THE PAST, AND NOW WE ARE LOOKING ONLY TO THE FUTURE.
>> Stephen: SO DON'T ASK ABOUT MY TAX RETURNS EVER AGAIN, OKAY,
FUTURE.
THEN, AND THEN, LIKE LINCOLN HUFFING PAINT THINNER, THIS
STIRRING ORATOR INVOKED AN INSPIRING PICTURE OF THE COUNTRY
HE NOW LEADS.
>> AMERICA'S INFRASTRUCTURE HAS FALLEN INTO DISREPAIR AND DECAY,
MOTHERS AND CHILDREN TRAPPED IN POVERTY IN OUR INNER CITIES,
RUSTED OUT FACTORIES SCATTERED LIKE TOMBSTONES ACROSS THE
LANDSCAPE, OUR YOUNG AND BEAUTIFUL STUDENTS DEPRIVED OF
ALL KNOWLEDGE.
>> Stephen: WOW.
THAT IS REALLY-- >> --AND THE CRIME AND THE
GANGS, AND THE DRUGS.
>> Stephen: OKAY, OKAY.
ARE YOU DONE?
BECAUSE I THINK THAT THE ONE THING--
>> --AMERICAN CARNAGE.
>> Stephen: WE GET IT!
WE GET IT!
THE COUNTRY IS A TURD STORM.
YOU SAID ALL OF THAT DURING THE CAMPAIGN.
YOU CAN STOP NOW.
HE KNOWS HE WON, RIGHT?
PUTIN MUST HAVE TOLD HIM.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) JUST GIVE IT UP!
THE INAUGURATION, OF COURSE, ALSO INCLUDED THE TIME-HONORED
TRADITION OF TALKING ABOUT HOW THE FORMER PRESIDENT SUCTION,
WHILE OBAMA AND BIDEN HAD TO SIT THERE AS HELPLESS AS A DAMP
RUSSIAN MATTRESS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I'LL TELL YOU, I REALLY FEEL BAD
FOR JOE BIND.
HE GOT SO UPSET HE TURNED INTO A JEFF DUNHAM PUPPET.
TRUMP THEN DEDICATED HIS ADMINISTRATION TO HIS BIGGEST
SUPPORTERS.
>> THE FORGOTTEN MEN AND WOMEN OF OUR COUNTRY WILL BE
FORGOTTEN NO LONGER.
>> Stephen: YES, THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION WILL NEVER FORGET
GREAT AMERICANS LIKE BUDDY, HERE, CHIEF, AND BIG GUY-- AND
MY AFRICAN AMERICAN OVER HERE.
I'LL NEVER, YOU'RE ALWAYS-- THEN THE 45th PRESIDENT OF THE
UNITED STATES HAMMERED HOME ONE OF HIS BIGGEST CAMPAIGN
PROMISES.
>> WE WILL GET OUR PEOPLE OFF OF WELFARE AND BACK TO WORK
REBUILDING OUR COUNTRY WITH AMERICAN HANDS AND AMERICAN
LABOR.
>> Stephen: YES, HE IS CLEARLY ALREADY GETTING AMERICANS
BACK TO WORK, BECAUSE HERE'S THE MALL WHEN OBAMA WAS INAUGURATED
IN 2009.
AND HERE IT IS FOR TRUMP.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I MEAN, ALL I CAN-.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: THAT'S IT.
THAT'S HOW IT GOES.
>> Stephen: ALL I CAN FIGURE IS THAT NOBODY COULD GET THE DAY
OFF.
THEY'RE ALL WORKING.
EITHER THAT'S A LOT OF EMPTY SPACE, OR THAT CROWD IS EVEN
WHITER THAN I THOUGHT.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
I MEAN, THERE WERE-- THERE WERE BIG, EMPTY SPACES IN THE CROWD,
OR AS TRUMP CALLED THEM, "THE MOST LEAST PEOPLE EVER."
"THE GREATEST MOST FANTASTIC LACK OF ATTENDANCE IN AMERICAN
HISTORY.
WE'RE NOT GOING TO BELIEVE HOW MANY PEOPLE DIDN'T SHOW UP."
TRUMP PLEDGED TO REPAIR THE COUNTRY'S INFRASTRUCTURE.
>> WE WILL BUILD NEW ROADS AND HIGHWAYS AND BRIDGES AND
AIRPORTS AND TUNNELS AND RAILWAYS ALL ACROSS OUR
WONDERFUL NATION.
>> Stephen: YES, ROADS AND HIGHWAYS AND BRIDGES AND
AIRPORTS AND TUNNELS AND RAILWAYS-- SO MANY WAYS TO FLEE
THE COUNTRY.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
( CHEERS ) BUT AFTER SPENDING THE BULK OF
HIS INAUGURAL ADDRESS TALKING ABOUT WHAT A DUMPSTER FIRE
AMERICA IS AND BLAMING EVERYONE ON THE STAGE, TRUMP CALLED FOR
UNITY.
>> WHEN AMERICA IS UNITED, AMERICA IS TOTALLY UNSTOPPABLE.
>> Stephen: OKAY, SO RIGHT NOW, TOTALLY STOPPABLE.
AND AFTER THE SPEECH, REVEREND FRANKLIN GRAHAM DELIVERED THE
BENEDICTION.
>> IN THE BIBLE, RAIN IS A SIGN OF GOD'S BLESSING.
AND IT STARTED TO RAIN, MR. PRESIDENT, WHEN YOU CAME TO
THE PLATFORM.
>> Stephen: YEAH, I'VE READ THE BIBLE.
BLESSING'S NOT EXACTLY HOW NOAH TOOK IT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YES.
>> Jon: A DIFFERENT STORY.
>> Stephen: BLESS YOU.
AND THE LORD SAID, "YOU BETTER BUILD A BOAT BECAUSE I'M GOING
TO BLESS THE HELL OUT OF THIS PLACE."
SO HERE WE ARE.
IT'S REALLY HAPPENING.
DONALD TRUMP IS OFFICIALLY THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES,
WHICH MEANS THERE ARE NOW ALL SORTS OF NEW SENTENCES YOU
CAN ACTUALLY SAY AND MEAN LIKE "THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED
STATES WAS IN 'HOME ALONE 2'."
I ALWAYS THOUGHT I'D BE SAYING THAT ON THE FIRST DAY OF
PRESIDENT PESCI'S ADMINISTRATION.
"THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES HAS MET WITH DOZENS OF
WORLD LEADERS, AND ALSO THE GRIMACE."
AND, "I SURE MISS GEORGE W.
BUSH."
WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW TONIGHT.
JIM GAFFIGAN IS HERE!
STICK AROUND.