-So, I was scrolling through Instagram earlier today,
and I saw this really interesting post
about migrating tree frogs and --
[ Sniffing ] I'm sorry. I could be wrong here,
but I think I smell some smoke,
and that can only mean one thing.
It's time for "Ya Burnt."
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
Welcome to the burn zone, everybody.
We got a lot of topics to sizzle through but not a lot of time.
Over here's the burner.
Let's turn on the gas and load 'er up.
Whoo-hoo-hoo! Smoke 'em if you got 'em!
First up, couples costumes.
Couples costumes, you know what they say.
The couple that costumes together stays together
because everyone else hates them
and if they broke up they'd be alone forever.
Also, you're not allowed to fight
if you're in a couple's costume.
Nobody wants to see Olive Oyl yelling at Popeye
because he was chattin' up Harley Quinn.
And look, people in couple's costumes,
we both know how this Halloween party is gonna end.
She's gonna get drunk, you're gonna say something stupid,
and the next thing you know, you're just a lonely Bert
muttering to himself on the street.
Couple's costumes, boo! Ya burnt!
Podcasts. Everybody's got one. You're like the HPV of media.
Side burn, HPV. -Side burn.
-Seriously, podcasts, there's way too many of you.
My podcast feed is more backed up than the Oval Office toilet.
How do you people have time to listen to all these?
I have more important things to do, like watching
all 3,000 episodes of "The Great British Baking Show."
Also, podcasters, just because you bought a microphone
doesn't make you a detective.
If the cops say he did it, maybe he did it.
Podcasts, rate and review this. Ya burnt.
The male urinal. No one wants to use you.
Look, if there's three urinals and the end two are taken,
there's only one option -- go in your pants.
And if they're all free and you take the middle one,
why do you hate society?
You're no better than a guy who sits directly in front
of someone in an empty movie theater.
And hey, middle urinal, thanks, but if I wanted a stranger's
piss on both my shoes, I'd just ride the subway.
Side burn, MTA.
-...now riding.
-The middle urinal, take your cake and get out of here.
Ya burnt!
Ceremonial first pitches.
Why are we letting someone who's never played baseball before
try their luck in front of everyone?
It's like going to a gymnastics meet and finding out
Paul Giamatti's gonna kick things off on the uneven bars.
-He's actually in really good shape.
He goes to my gym.
-Ceremonial first pitches, the only thing you're good for
is proving Barack Obama buys his jeans at Ann Taylor's LOFT.
Ceremonial first pitches, strike three, yer burnt!
Face tattoos. Hey, face tattoos, do you represent China?
Because you are a giant red flag.
I know I'm not supposed to judge a book by its cover,
but at least books have the sense to put the words
on the inside.
Seriously, people with face tattoos,
are you getting new tattoos, or are the ones on the rest of
your body just trying desperately
to get away from you?
Here's something I bet you hear a lot
when you have a face tattoo -- "That's the guy, Officer!"
Hey, face tattoos, just like your job prospects,
ya burnt.
Kyle Martirez-McIntosh is our associate producer
and writer's assistant who's an indispensable part of our show.
He recently had to have his appendix taken out,
and while he's resting at home, we're all completely screwed
without him. In fact, we're pretty sure
that's not how he spells his name,
but he's the one who usually checks that stuff,
so we have no way of finding out.
I wish you a speedy recovery, my friend,
and that's why, Kyle, you are this week's unburnable!
♪♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
Ascend to safety, buddy, and feel better soon
because we are begging you to come back.
Fun-size candy bars. Small candy isn't fun.
You know what's fun for kids? A big-ass candy bar.
You know what? I got a lot more to say about candy,
which means it's time for our speed round.
"The Blaze: Halloween Candy Edition."
Skittles. If you really want to taste the rainbow, try molly.
Ya blazed.
Jolly Rancher. I had one of you when I was 15.
And it's still stuck in my teeth. Ya blazed.
Smarties. Diabetes never tasted so much like vitamins.
Ya blazed.
Dum Dums. Damn right, you are. Ya blazed.
Milky Way. You're like Republican Senators
not standing up to Trump. You got no nuts.
Ya blazed!
Candy corn. Don't worry, kids. It's not corn; it's wax.
Ya blazed.
Reese's Pieces. E.T. phone home. He want better candy.
[ Laughter ]
Ya blazed.
Almond Joy. If I wanted to check for lumps on my mounds,
I'd go see the urologist.
Ya blazed! [ Buzzer ]
Ohh! That buzzer means we've run out of time.
This has been "Ya Burnt."