- Hey everybody, happy Thursday.
Now today, we're gonna talk about how to cope
with everyone having babies around you
when you're struggling with infertility.
But before we jump into that, are you new to my channel?
Welcome!
I put out videos on Mondays and on Thursdays,
so make sure you're subscribed
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so that you don't miss out.
But here is today's question:
Kati, how do you cope with everyone around you
having babies, being invited to baby showers
and having to be supportive of your friends?
I spent my cousin's baby shower
hiding tears in the bathroom.
I left early and I felt so guilty.
How do you deal with all the pics of ultrasounds,
proud parents with their newborns
and little ones smiling or walking
or tasting something for the first time?
How do you cope with hearing about someone close to you
having an abortion and remain compassionate towards them
and their experience, when all you want is a baby?
I thought this was a great question
and something that I know a lot of us go through
and this question came out of the video
that I talked about dealing with infertility,
so if you want more information about that specific topic,
you can click the link in the description
and check that video out.
But when it comes to people around us, trust me,
at the age of 34, almost all of my Instagram feed
is just filled with people sharing pregnancy posts
and new babies and first steps and all of that.
And if we're trying really hard to get pregnant,
how do we even deal?
And I have some really helpful tips to get you through.
And my first one is join a Facebook group
or support group in your area.
And I say Facebook or in your area
because I find them to be both really, really beneficial.
Many of my patients have talked about
how Facebook has a group for everything
and I had a patient who had recently lost a child
due to miscarriage and found a group for women
just who are through that and that was really,
really helpful and supportive for her.
And so if you can't find a support group in your area,
or it's really hard with your schedule,
Facebook is a great place for that
and it can give you one place where you can go
and spend time where it won't be filled with people
showing pictures of their new baby
and talking about pregnancy.
It's people struggling with the same thing
you're struggling with and that's why
I really love support groups because it gives us
a place to go where we're reminded that we're not alone
and other people share their stories.
A lot of times in groups, when you actually go in person
there's no cross-talk, meaning I'll share my experience
and then you just listen and then you share your experience.
You don't comment on mine,
which makes it a little bit more safe
to share how we feel and what we're going through,
knowing that no one's gonna weigh in on it,
but we can get it out and people can listen and understand.
And that also,
if we aren't even comfortable with talking yet,
it can give us a place to listen
and to empathize with other people's situations
and understand what they're going through
and maybe apply something they learn to our life.
And my second tip is: obviously to see a therapist.
Preferably one who specializes in fertility issues
and, yes, those ones exist.
I'd even look them up years ago
when I was referring a patient out,
we have a lot of them in L.A.
I know every city's different,
but finding someone who can truly understand
and help you process it through
because the thing about therapy
that makes it so beneficial, in the same way that, like,
groups have their own set of benefits,
individual therapy works because it's a non-judgmental place
where you get to go and share your story
and the other person you're sharing your story with
doesn't know anything other than what you tell them.
And I know that can sound really weird,
but it's really healing to know
that they'll only know what I say,
they're not like the other people in our lives
that know all sorts of information and can say, like,
well, you know, it wasn't as bad as last year and like,
you know, this happens all the time,
like, our friend Susie was struggling with infertility,
now she has, like, three kids, so, like, don't worry.
We won't get that kind of feedback.
In therapy, they hear our point of view,
they listen to us, they understand when we're feeling upset
and they help us talk through it until we feel better.
And so seeing a therapist,
as a couple as well as an individual,
when you're dealing with fertility issues,
can be incredibly beneficial.
And my third tip is: let yourself feel it.
Cry, grieve.
You can grieve the loss of what you thought
the conception process would be for you
and grieve the loss if you had any miscarriages.
Just allowing yourself to feel it,
versus, maybe thinking that you need to stuff it down
and move forward can really be healing
because the more we stuff things down, the worse it gets
and the more of an opportunity that icky stuff
that we've been stuffing down
has to pop out at inappropriate times.
I always think the stuffing process is why
we maybe cry when something happens at a restaurant
or when someone cuts us off, we get extremely angry,
or we're watching a random commercial
and we're, like, completely bawling.
If we are feeling really emotionally volatile,
that's usually because we have stuff that we've tucked deep,
deep away and we're not processing it through.
And so this is a big deal.
Struggling with infertility can bring up a lot of issues
and I would just encourage you to talk about it, feel it.
If that means you take a drive and sit at a park,
you know, put up your sunblock thing for your windshield
so no one sees you and you just bawl your eyes out
and listen to sad music, that's okay.
Wherever you feel safe to just let it out,
feel it, cry, scream, whatever,
make sure you make time to do that.
And I know it can feel a little crazy to, like,
scream in your car or cry in the shower,
but right now, that might be what you need
and making time for that, allowing yourself to feel it,
I promise will end up being really,
really helpful in the future.
And number four: talk to your friends and loved ones.
Keeping what we're going through a secret
will only make things worse.
How can we expect them to help us
if we don't really tell them what's really happening?
Right?
And also, if we don't really tell them what's happening,
they could say hurtful things without even thinking.
By talking to friends and family about it,
you not only get their support
because they give you a place to cry if you need to,
vent, scream, or distract,
like, maybe you go on a hike or go walk your dogs,
but it not only gives you that extra support,
but then it helps keep you safe
and makes sure that you can still engage with them.
Because if we don't share,
they can often say and do things that can really,
really hurt us and they won't even know
and then maybe we find ourselves in the bathroom crying,
trying to hid away from everybody
because that one comment just really got to us.
And so letting them know what's going on
and also a really important key point, I think,
is to let them know they don't have to keep
their children or pregnancy a secret from you,
but that they need to give you time to process it.
It's okay to ask for these things, okay?
So maybe tell them it's best for them
to give you news like that over email
or over the phone and not in person
because you don't want them to think
you're not being supportive,
but it might be really hard for you to hear it first
and letting them know what you need
and what's okay and not okay
can hopefully prevent any of that from happening
and also can prevent us from finding out
that they're pregnant through someone else
and they said they were too scared to tell us
and it kinda can hurt our relationships.
And so I find over-communicating
when it comes to our friends and family to be best,
so that they know where we're at
and what we're going through and then they can share
what's appropriate with us in a way
that we can handle right now.
And I know some of you are like,
but that's a lot to ask and I can't really say that to them.
Pick and choose your closest friends,
maybe the people that are around you the most
and the most likely to maybe do something
or say something hurtful without realizing it
because, let's be honest,
we all go through really hard times in life
and we're gonna need those people to understand
and the more we don't share with them,
the more isolated we'll feel.
So I just encourage you, challenge yourself,
speak up and tell them what's going on
and how they can best help.
My fifth tip: know that it's okay to miss some events.
Just be honest with your friends or family members.
I know it sucks,
like the person who asked this question said,
they had to sit in the bathroom fighting tears
and then they left early.
If you're not in a good place,
it's okay to just send a gift with someone else.
You don't have to always be there.
Just let them know why, don't just not show up.
It may be a text message and letting them know
that you're just having a really hard day
and you didn't want to ruin their event
because you just can't fight the tears,
but just give them an opportunity to understand.
I find the more we communicate
and the more we're honest about where we're at
and what we're able to do, the better we'll start feeling.
Because the thing that I hear the most
from my viewers and my patients, alike,
is when we're dealing with infertility,
we don't know how to talk to people about it
and isolate over time.
We spend less time with friends,
we spend less time at events,
we don't want to talk to people about it,
we, half the time, don't even want to talk
to our spouse or partner, and so just give yourself
the opportunity to bring people in.
Talk to them, be honest about how you're feeling
and trust me, if they're really friends,
they'll completely understand.
And my sixth tip is: take a break from social media
or mute people for a while until you feel better.
I'd even encourage you, just like I was saying before,
we're gonna over-communicate, right?
So I'd encourage you to let them know that you're doing this
so that their feelings are hurt if they don't see you,
you know, like any of their posts or photos.
Give yourself a break.
Like I said earlier, trust me,
I know how much your feed is just pregnancy news,
babies, first steps, etc.,
and it can be really overwhelming and upsetting.
So giving yourself a day off can really be helpful
and help, just, give you the time you need to feel it,
to cry, to communicate with those around us,
to see a therapist, to do the self-care
that you need to do for yourself to get through it.
And we all know that social media
just causes comparison to happen.
Whether or not we wanna admit it,
we compare ourselves to others all the time
and that's just not fair.
When we're feeling in a really dark place,
everyone else's life is gonna look better,
whether or not it is, right?
Remember, social media's just a highlight reel,
it's not real life, okay?
But taking a break can really allow us
to just not do as much comparison
as maybe we're already doing.
And my seventh tip is: do something new.
I know this may sound harsh or heartless,
but if all we talk with our spouse or partner
or friends and family and therapist is just infertility,
it doesn't leave any room to be ourselves.
Maybe take on a new hobby, like pottery
or learning guitar or joining a hiking group.
Do something to district yourself a bit
and get you out of your head.
And, no, it won't fix it, but it will give you a break
that maybe you so desperately need.
So try something new, so shake it up.
Give yourself a break.
Talking about ovulation and babies
and cycles can be so exhausting,
not to mention just kinda boring sometimes.
So do something different. Distract.
It's okay to distract sometimes.
Sometimes we just need a break from all that's going on.
So, challenge yourself and try something new.
I hope you found those tips helpful,
but as always, let me know in those comments down below,
is there something that really helped you
when you were going through this time?
Is there something I said that you don't agree with?
I'm open to communicating and talking with you
all down in those comments.
And I will see you next time. Bye.