Do you have a narcissist in your world?
Then stop doing these things right now.
By the end of this video, you'll know what you need to stop doing right now if you want
to preserve not only your sanity but yourself.
Hi, I'm Rebecca Zung, top 1% divorce attorney and the bestselling author of the books, Negotiate
Like You Matter and Breaking Free: A Step-by-Step Divorce Guide and I've helped thousands of
people go from lives of drama, trauma and chaos to step into lives of freedom, possibility
and purpose, and I do the same thing right here for you in these videos.
So before we go any further, make sure you hit that little subscribe button, hit that
little notification bell so you can be notified when I upload new videos every single week.
Now, if you have a narcissist in your world, then you need to stop doing some certain things
right now that may be costing you.
Costing you what may you ask?
Costing you your sanity, your mental health, costing you money, costing you leverage, costing
you things that you might want and your divorce action, costing you all kinds of things including
the life you want and on and on.
So you're going to want to stop doing these things right now.
And if you're not sure if you're married to a narcissist, then you're going to want to
check out my video called "Are you married to a narcissist?"
And I will drop a link to that one below.
And if you are in a relationship with a narcissist, whether it's a marriage, whether it's a business
partnership, friendship, neighbor, employee, boss, whatever, then you're going to want
to stop doing these things right now.
So drum roll please, number 10.
Number 10 is never call them a narcissist.
They hate that.
Number one, they're never going to see themselves as a narcissist.
And number two whatever you call them, that's what you're going to become because they always
end up projecting, gaslighting, manipulating, all of those things that narcissists like
to do, and it's just going to get turned around and become that that's what you are, and they're
going to say that you have all of those traits and everything that you say, so you're going
to end up being the one that's called the narcissist.
So don't call them a narcissist.
That's number 10.
All right.
Number nine.
Number nine is don't let them cross boundaries that you've set.
So if you've listened to some of my other videos or you've listened to my webinars or
you've followed me at all, then you know that one of the things that I say all the time,
is that you have to create really definite boundaries when you're dealing with narcissists.
Narcissists don't respect boundaries that's part of their entitlement and their control
and all of the things that they're involved with.
So if you go ahead and set boundaries, like I'm not going to allow this person into this
part of my life, or I'm not going to allow this person to communicate with me in any
way other than this particular way, or I'm not going to allow this person to whatever
it is, and you've laid down those boundaries.
Now if you let them cross those boundaries, now you're lowering the bar, lowering the
bar, and they know exactly how much they have to push next time to get you to blow past
those boundaries because as soon as you set a boundary, first thing they're going to do
is try to blow past that.
So you're actually conditioning that narcissist.
It's so almost like behavior modification tactics.
So every time you allow them to blow past that boundary, then they know they can just
meet you, have a little bit more of a tantrum, have a little bit more of narcissistic rage
next time, a little bit angry and you'll step back.
So once you fix a boundary, you need to stay with it.
I never let them cross that.
So that's number nine.
Number eight is never allow them to disrespect you.
This kind of goes hand in hand with the boundaries.
I mean, they can do the things that they're going to do.
They'll gaslight, manipulate, intimidate, gather their flying monkeys on their side,
do all the things that narcissists do, pathologically lie.
But if you allow them to disrespect you by calling you names and things like that, then
again, you are setting that goal, setting that standard for how far they can go.
I think it was Eleanor Roosevelt that said that "No one can give you or treat you in
any way that you don't give them permission to."
And so don't give them permission to.
If they disrespect you, you can very calmly say to them, "I'm not going to have a conversation
with you while you're disrespecting me" or "We can speak again later when you gathered
yourself and you're under control and you can speak to me in a way that is respectful."
And as soon as you say that you're not respecting, you're not being respected, they'll say, well
you're not respecting me.
So you can just say, "Absolutely, I'm respecting you.
And that's why I don't think it's productive for us to have a conversation right now",
or whatever you need to say.
But the next one is stop letting them just respect you.
All right?
Number seven is stop expecting them to take responsibility for their actions.
They're not going to.
That's part of being a narcissist.
They're not going to say, "Oh, you know, I really shouldn't have treated you like that
or you're right, I screwed up at that project.
Or, I mean, I've had employees like that in my law practice where it's mistake after mistake
after mistake and it's always someone else's fault or something else that happened.
It's never their fault."
And that's what you're going to see with narcissists too.
So stop expecting them to take responsibility for their actions.
They're not going to.
And number six, stop explaining or justifying.
When you get those emails that are very clearly meant to trigger you, that call you the deadbeat
dad or call you the crappy mum or say that you're irresponsible or whatever.
They're trying to bait you.
They're trying to gold you, they're trying to inflame you.
They're trying to incite you.
That's what narcissists do because that's how they get control over you.
Once you lose control, then they know that they have you.
So if you go into this whole thing where you're trying to explain, you're trying to defend,
you're trying to justify, you're oversharing, all of these things.
Then you're just giving them control.
Again you're handing them control.
So stop doing that, stop explaining, stop justifying, stop trying to get them to see
what you're trying to say.
It's pointless anyway.
And so, just save your energy on that.
And if you know what I was saying so far is the truth, give me a truth in the comments.
All right?
Number five.
Number five is stop giving them ammunition.
Remember that every text, every email, every thing that you put in writing will always
be used against you if they can.
So don't give them ammunition.
Don't behave in a way that gives them ammunition.
Don't say anything that gives you ammunition.
And believe me, I know that what I'm telling you to do right now is almost superhuman.
You have to be superman or wonder woman and just have the strength and the discipline
to not react.
But, if you need to go on react, go react outside of the presence of that narcissist.
Scream when you're in therapy, scream to your best friends, scream to your pillow, go home
and yell, go in the bathroom and cry.
Whenever you need to do, like don't show the narcissist that they've gotten to you.
Don't you dare do that.
And don't give them any ammunition.
All right.
Number four is don't take anything personally.
I remember that the narcissist inside is the scared little hollow chocolate Easter bunny
that has absolutely nothing inside, has no ability to have any empathy, any compassion
or any caring for any single person, but themselves.
It's all about self preservation for them.
It's like as if you have a really bad toothache and when you have a really terrible toothache,
all you can feel is that toothache.
You're don't really understand what impact you might be having on somebody else if you
scream at them or yell at them or whatever, that's what's going on with the narcissist.
Everything is manipulated and for their use to make themselves feel better, to give them
that narcissistic supply.
They'll grab onto it like those hitchhiker things that stick onto clothes.
Whatever they can do to grab onto something to give them narcissistic supply, it's all
about them.
So you can ever take it personally, when they cut you down, when they are nasty to you,
when they degrade you, devalue you.
It's all about trying to make themselves feel better.
It has nothing to do with you and it has nothing to do with your value as a human being.
So remember that and never take anything personally.
All right?
Number three, stop expecting them to have empathy, care, concern or compassion.
Stop expecting that they're not going to give it to you.
As I said, they don't have the ability to give it to you.
People can only give what they have.
And you're seriously expecting blood out of a stone.
It's not going to happen.
They just don't have the ability to, it's like wishing someone had an arm if they don't.
If somebody doesn't have arms, you can't go and tell them to go pick up something off
the floor with their hands cause they don't have them.
And that's what you're basically expecting a narcissist to do when you're expecting care,
compassion, empathy or concern.
It doesn't exist for them and they don't even understand really what you're saying to be
honest with you.
It's like speaking a different language.
They understand that other people have that I think, but they don't have it.
So stop expecting it.
All right?
Number two, don't underestimate them.
Don't underestimate how far they will go, how far they will go to protect their ego,
how far they will go to maintain control, how far they will go to make themselves look
good and you look bad.
They'll basically do whatever they can get away with.
And even [inaudible 00:11:40].
They'll do whatever they need to do for their own self preservation and to make sure that
they're the ones that come out smelling like the rose or looks like they're the ones wearing
the white house versus the black hat or whatever it is that they need to do.
Their survival instinct is strong and they've been manipulating since the beginning of time
for themselves.
So you know that whole 10,000 hours to become an expert at something while they've got way
more hours than that.
They are master manipulators.
So don't underestimate them.
Don't give them the benefit of the doubt.
They don't deserve it.
And don't underestimate how far they'll go.
And number one.
Number one is don't waste your breath, energy, time, mental power or anything else trying
to get them to see the error of their ways.
Don't try to get them to say, "Jeez, look what you're doing to the children."
They don't care.
Look what you're doing to me.
They don't care.
Look at the impact that you're having on this or that, they don't care.
All they care about is self preservation and survival.
So if you sit there and you try to say, "Look at how much I've done for you.
I can't believe you're doing this to me.
This doesn't even make any sense."
What you're saying doesn't even make any sense.
It's not reasonable.
Wasting breath, wasting breath, wasting energy.
They're not going to see the error of their ways.
And you can try to point out that they lied in a text message.
I just recently got an email from someone that said that, they have an email where the
person got a text from or it was a text that they had gotten from some woman they were
cheating with and it specifically said all kinds of sexual things and yet he stood right
there and said to her, "I'm not cheating."
And she just said she was trying to fight back with him and trying to show him, well
that doesn't...
Waste of time.
Waste of time, waste of energy.
Spend your time on your strategies, spend your time on your communication skills.
Spend your time on plotting how you're going to get out of this relationship with this
person if you can.
Spend your time on something that's productive, like self care for yourself.
I have a whole video on self care with a narcissist and I will drop a link to that below.
Spend your time on how you're going to outsmart the narcissist.
I have a video on that and I'll drop a link to that one below.
But don't spend your time trying to get them to see the error of their ways or how they're
impacting anyone else.
They're not going to see it and your time is better spent somewhere else like on you.
Okay, so that's a wrap for today.
If you are getting ready to negotiate with the narcissist and you don't have my Crush
My Negotiation prep worksheet, then you better go grab that right now.
I'm dropping a link to that below.
Don't walk into a negotiation without that.
And if you are dealing with a narcissist and you want to join my free private Facebook
page called Narcissist Negotiators, I will drop a link to that below.
If you want some additional support from others who are dealing with narcissists, that's the
perfect place to go.
I'm Rebecca Zung, top 1% divorce attorney and I'm so glad that you were here with me
today.
If you haven't already, give this video a like, give it a share, drop me a comment and
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Hit that little notification bell, and I will see you in the next video.
Remember that today is a great day to start negotiating your best life.