HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
YOU GUYS LOVE CINCO DE MAYO?
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) HEY, YOU KNOW WHO DOESN'T
CELEBRATE CINCO DE MAYO?
MEXICANS.
YOU SEE, MANY AMERICANS, INCLUDING ME, THINK CINCO DE
MAYO IS LIKE MEXICO'S FOURTH OF JULY.
BUT THAT'S WRONG.
IT'S LIKE THEIR FIFTH OF MAY.
THEIR BIG NATIONAL CELEBRATION IS SEPTEMBER 16TH, OR NOVEMBER
9TH, IF DONALD TRUMP LOSES.
SO, TO MY VIEWERS WATCHING DOWN IN MEXICO, LET ME EXPLAIN OUR
AMERICAN MEXICAN HOLIDAY, CINCO DE MAYO: WE CELEBRATE THE
MEXICAN ARMY'S VALIANT STAND AGAINST FRENCH FORCES AT THE
BATTLE OF PUEBLA BY WEARING FAKE MUSTACHES AND VOMITING DISCOUNT
MARGARITAS.
NOW, A LOT OF DISCOUNT MARGARITA FANS HERE TONIGHT.
AND I SINCERELY HOPE THAT'S NOT OFFENSIVE, MEXICO.
I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT AMERICANS WILL USE ANY OCCASION
AS AN EXCUSE TO DRINK, NO MATTER WHOSE CULTURE IT IS.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) WE DRINK ON ST PATTY'S DAY FOR
THE IRISH.
WE DRINK ON OKTOBERFEST FOR THE GERMANS, AND WE DRINK ON
THANKSGIVING TO FORGET WHAT WE DID TO NATIVE AMERICANS.
(APPLAUSE) SPEAKING OF ATROCITIES, DONALD
TRUMP.
(LAUGHTER) IS DONALD TRUMP HERE TONIGHT?
NO?
GOOD.
THAT'LL MAKE THIS EASIER.
TRUMP GAVE HIS OWN NOD TO CINCO DE MAYO.
ON TWITTER.
HE POSTED: "HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
THE BEST TACO BOWLS ARE MADE IN TRUMP TOWER GRILL.
I LOVE HISPANICS!" (AUDIENCE REACTS)
OKAY, HISPANICS?
THE OUTREACH HAS BEGUN!
AND HE'S REACHING AS FAR AS THE TRUMP TOWER GRILL!
OF COURSE, NOT ALL HISPANICS LOVE DONALD TRUMP.
TODAY, BOXING LEGEND OSCAR DE LA HOYA CLAIMED THAT DONALD TRUMP
IS A CHEATER ON THE GOLF COURSE.
AFTER NINE HOLES, HE LEAVES THE GOLF COURSE FOR A YOUNGER ONE.
(AUDIENCE REACTS) I KNOW.
IT'S TRUE.
YEAH.
TRUE.
IT'S CALLED "MAKING THE TURN."
(LAUGHTER) I DON'T KNOW IF I COULD EVER
PLAY GOLF WITH DONALD TRUMP BECAUSE
I'D KEEP TRYING TO PUTT MY BALL INTO HIS MOUTH TO GET A FREE
GAME.
(APPLAUSE) OF COURSE, NO SCANDAL CAN TOUCH
TRUMP NOW BECAUSE HE'S ALREADY LOCKED DOWN THE NOMINATION.
HIS NEXT JOB WILL BE TO CHOOSE A RUNNING MATE.
AND HE'S SAID HE'LL CHOOSE SOMEONE WITH POLITICAL
EXPERIENCE, WHO HAS HELD OFFICE AND IS DEFINITELY A REPUBLICAN,
SO THAT RULES HIM OUT.
THANK GOD.
(LAUGHTER) CAN YOU IMAGINE IF DONALD TRUMP
WAS JUST A HEARTBEAT AWAY FROM THE PRESIDENCY?
AH...
WHEW.
TRUMP HAS GRACIOUSLY SAID THAT HE'S WILLING TO CONSIDER SOME OF
HIS PREVIOUS REPUBLICAN RIVALS, AS LONG AS THEY DON'T REMEMBER
ANY OF THE THINGS HE SAID ABOUT THEM.
SO WE MIGHT BE LOOKING AT THE TICKET OF "TRUMP/LIAR '16."
"TRUMP/LOW ENERGY '16."
"TRUMP/A FACE LIKE THAT '16."
"TRUMP/LIL' SWEATY GUY '16."
ALL WINNING TICKETS.
(APPLAUSE) BUT AT THE END OF THE DAY,
THERE'S ONLY ONE PERSON WITH WHOM DONALD ALREADY HAS GREAT
RAPPORT AND A WORKING RELATIONSHIP.
>> TOGETHER, WE COULD OWN THIS TOWN.
>> STEPHEN: THAT'S RIGHT: VICE PRESIDENT CHRIS CHRISTIE!