- Think about all the qualities
you would like someone to see in you
and amplify them yourself.
If you expect someone to really, really love you,
you better believe you're worth it.
You can make anything you like familiar.
You can make self-belief familiar.
How can you create a healthy relationship with yourself
so that you can have a healthy relationship
with other people?
Well, the first step sounds kind of obvious,
which is you have to love yourself,
respect yourself, like yourself,
believe that you are a person
that someone finds worth being with,
and that's such a platitude, isn't it?
But how do you love yourself?
Well, it's quite easy.
You wake up in the morning, look in the mirror, and go,
"Hey, look at you. There you are.
"I love you."
Look in the mirror and go, "I love you.
"I like you. You're amazing.
"You're kind, you're warm.
"You're nice. You're real.
"You're genuine."
Whatever you want to say,
say it to yourself every day.
Think about all the qualities
you would like someone to see in you
and amplify them yourself.
We like people who are real, warm, caring, genuine.
So that's not hard for you to go, "Hey, I'm real.
"I'm warm. I'm caring.
"I've got a good heart.
"I can give and receive love."
You see, when you're waiting to receive love,
"I need someone to love me,"
you can't just receive.
You have to receive and give.
And if you expect someone to really, really love you,
you better believe you're worth it,
you better know you're lovable.
Tell yourself every day, "I am lovable."
Listen to your audio.
The more you know it, feel it, believe it,
the more you can accept, "I'm worthy of love,"
because, really, why wouldn't you be?
The more you know you are worthy of love,
the more other people will know it, give it to you,
and you can give it to them.
So that's how you start to love yourself first.
When you fall in love with another person,
you go, "Oh, I just love your voice.
"I just, everything you say, just,
"I just love hanging out with you.
"I just love being with you.
"I just want to be with you."
We fall in love with people's quirks and foibles.
So fall in love with yourself.
It's a romance that will never wane, never fade,
never forget your birthday.
And you can do that and start right now.
"How long will it take before I know I'm enough?
"And how long will it take
"before I see changes happening?"
Well, first of all, we change in three ways.
Our favorite change is instant.
"You said something, I read something,
"I listened to one of your recordings,
"and I changed on a dime, and I feel so great."
But the second change is a cumulative change,
where bit by bit, you think, "Wow, I'm feeling better."
Rather like going to the gym.
No one goes to the gym, does the plank,
and says, "Hey, I've got a flat stomach."
You go back and you go back,
and you start to notice that your body is looking better.
So cumulative change, bit by bit, is normal.
And then there's the third change, which is retroactive.
I look back and think, "Wow, I didn't shout at my kids.
"I don't have those tension headaches.
"I wake up feeling good."
And all of these changes are good.
The mind learns by repetition.
When you start to tell yourself,
"I'm enough, I'm enough, I'm enough,"
it may take a while.
First, your mind goes,
"No, you're not enough because you don't have your own home,
"you don't have a great car, a great job,
"a great partner."
And that is you objecting.
You need to go, "You know, that's true.
"I don't have a great home, I'm still enough.
"I don't have someone to love me yet, but I'm still enough.
"And the more I say I'm enough,
"the more quickly I will find love.
"I have a beaten up secondhand car, but that's just a car.
"That's not me."
So you have to add in the objections that you are creating.
You're objecting yourself,
"I'm not enough because...,"
and, "I am enough," is not quantified,
"I am enough because I'm the perfect weight or shape or size,
"got this great job."
No.
You're enough because you're enough.
So the mind learns by repetition.
Say it, say it, say it.
And so fast, you will run out of objections.
Your mind will go,
"You know what? You say this all the time.
"It must be true." Because the mind learns by repetition.
Repeat it. Repeat it.
Put it on your passwords to unlock your phone
or your computer.
Have it all over your house.
Have the bracelets I have.
Write it on your mirror,
stamp it on your pillow, on your cushions,
and say it a lot.
And just like lotion goes into dry skin and nourishes it,
"I am enough," will go into your heart and nourish you.
So say it a lot and understand
you may not even notice how much it's impacting you
because it's doing it bit by bit.
Suddenly, you'll look back and go,
"Wow, those words have changed my life.
"It took a while to let them in,
"but I let them in."
"I'm always sabotaging myself.
"How do I stop this mind chatter
"that's depleting my self-esteem?"
Well, you see, sabotage is a habit.
No baby says, "I'm going to sabotage myself.
"I'm going to be destructive and destroy things."
So if you have habits of self-sabotage, here's the truth,
people who sabotage themselves are scared of failing
and occasionally scared of success.
And they have a thought,
which is, "Well, I've always wanted to be a dancer.
"I've always wanted to give a TED Talk.
"I've always wanted to have my own company.
"But what happens is
"I gained weight or I got these terrible headaches,
"and I was always staying up late and waking up late
"and missing appointments.
"And I managed to destroy that business
"or that relationship or that career opportunity."
That's what they tell you.
But the unspeakable truth that they don't know
is, "I'm so scared of failing.
"I'm so worried that I'll get this business
"and it will fail,
"I'll get this opportunity and I'll blow it,
"I'll find someone who's perfect for me and I'll ruin it
"because I'm not good enough."
And so they develop self-sabotage,
because it's easier to say, "You know,
"I could have been a dancer, but I was and nobody liked me."
It's easier to say, "Well, I kept gaining 15 pounds.
"I kept partying all night.
"I never quite got to practice.
"I tore my hamstring."
It's easier to blame something else.
"I could have, would have, should have,
"but the self-sabotage ruined my opportunity,"
when the truth is,
"I was so scared of not being good enough
"that I actually sabotaged myself
"because it was easier to say,
"'Well, I had these habits that blew it,'
"rather than, 'I just wasn't good enough.'"
So imagine you want to write a book,
and you somehow never write that book,
you never complete the book,
you never sent it to an agent or a publisher,
then you can go, "Well, you know,
"I had a book in me, but somehow I never got it out of me."
That's easier than, "I had a book in me, I wrote it,
"everybody hated it.
"It got terrible reviews,
"and I'm so embarrassed,
"I wish I'd never written it."
The only risk in life is not to take the risk.
So you have to understand
that procrastination, self-sabotage
are just ways of you expressing your fear of failing,
sometimes your fear of succeeding.
"If I make it, I won't know who my friends are.
"If I'm that successful, people won't like me."
Look at the fear of failing,
look at the fear of succeeding, makes sense.
Remember, people that like you will like you
whether you succeed or fail, just the way you like them.
And when you identify that and deal with it,
procrastination will be something you used to have
that cannot, will not, and does not ever affect you again.
"Why is it that my negative thoughts
"seem to be more powerful and have more power over me
"than the positive ones?"
Well, that's a great question,
and it goes back to the familiar unfamiliar,
but there's something else at play too.
Years ago when you belonged to a tribe,
everybody was the same,
and you didn't want to stand out, be different.
You survived by being the same,
and there's an expression,
I don't love it but it says,
"The nail that sticks out must be bashed down."
We also call it the "tall poppy syndrome."
"I stand out."
So a lot of us have a fear, a fear of getting better,
because, again, we are hardwired to go back
to what is familiar,
but practice makes perfect.
The mind learns by repetition.
Of course, when you start saying,
"I am enough, I'm amazing, I'm wonderful,"
your mind goes, "No, you're not. You have cellulite.
"No, you're not. You didn't even graduate college.
"No, you're not, because if you're so great,
"how come you're still single?"
So when you have negative thoughts,
part of that is because,
"Well, I don't want to get above myself."
These negative thoughts are familiar,
and there's that old, again,
running back to what's familiar.
It is an absolute fact. I say it a lot.
I know that we are hardwired
to go back to what is familiar
and to run away from what's unfamiliar.
But here's another fact.
You can make anything you like familiar.
You can make self-belief familiar.
So when you start to think positive thoughts
and a negative thought comes in your head,
what you can do is
imagine that negative thought is on your thumb,
and it's speaking like Mickey Mouse or Donald Duck,
it has a high-pitched, silly squeak,
and you laugh at it,
and you straight away turn that negative into a positive.
"I can't do it." "I can do it."
"I'm not enough." "I am enough."
"People don't like me." "They might love me.
"And I love me."
So when you get the negative thoughts,
rather like a radio, turn them down,
make them into a silly, jokey voice,
turn the positive ones up.
And when you have a negative thought,
remember you are the one
that is putting those into your head.
No one else is saying that; it's you.
"Oh, I can't do this. That won't work.
"Who am I to ask for that?"
Well, who are you not?
So, remember,
we change instantly, cumulatively, retroactive.
It takes a little practice to get rid of negative thoughts
to put in positive ones.
If you do it enough,
it becomes who you are and not what you do.