- [Both] Holy shit!
Jinx!
- Robert Durst, killed 'em all of course.
Jesus, Connie!
What did you pack in here?
- I didn't know what to bring.
- It's Florida, baby.
The only time you don't wear a bathing suit
is to a funeral and even then,
it depends on who died.
- No one is dying, Maury.
- Honestly, I've never been to Florida
and not watched someone die.
Luckily, I brought a grieving Speedo.
- Mmm, my condolences.
(Maury purring)
- You know, if you do take a bath with Cherry,
you gotta do it in here.
Non-slide surface, a safety rail.
You could really jackhammer your blood relative in here.
- Well, geeze Louise.
When you talk about it like that,
it takes all the bubbles out my soda pop.
- Sorry.
- Besides, there's more than one way to do it.
- Oh. - Joojle it.
- All right.
I think it's Google, but here we go.
- It's Joojle. - Okay.
- Going online to meet someone just feels thirsty.
- Yeah, thirsty for some of that bussy.
- Bussy?
What is bussy?
- It's butt pussy.
You're into that, right?
- I don't know.
- That's why you gotta get online, Matt.
- I bet you 20 bucks by the end of this episode,
that boy's gonna bone a turkey.
- Boy, do I love trains.
It's like a dick on wheels goin through a tunnel.
(gasping)
And the tunnel is a pussy.
Am I the first guy to think of this?
Oh my goosh!
- You're not even using tampons yet.
- Yeah, I don't wanna put anything like inside.
- That diagram is scary.
Why is her leg up on the toilet?
- Hey Matthew.
You're not in charge anymore.
Look at my teeth.
I'm the captain now.
- Oh God!
- Yeah, that's how serious I am about this reference.
Now get in the slide and suck that boy's face.
- Rankin' the girls makes us feel powerful,
like a BuzzFeed freelancer.
- You know how I always pitch sending a dick pic?
- Even to that email from Planned Parenthood.
- Come on, you know they party.
- Maury. - Well this time,
it's actually appropriate.
- No, still not.
- Shall we consult the manual?
Let's see.
Foreskin do's and don'ts.
- I'm cut.
- What to say to a grieving penis.
I'm gonna lick my finger now to turn the page.
Here we go.
Cleavage pic gets a dick pic in return!
- I'm jazzed, man.
It's your first date!
- It is kind of exciting.
- What are you gonna wear?
What am I gonna wear?
(gasping)
What are my dicks gonna wear?
Probably just like a cute top and jeans.
- Oh my god! It's happening.
This is happening.
♪ We're gonna cross a line ♪
- Nick, we gotta get outta here.
Where's that little swamp rat?
- She scares me. - Exactly.
It's like Kanye tweeted.
Do one thing everyday that scares your housekeeper.
They're finally gonna do it.
- Yes!
She's gonna put her finger in his little hooker butthole.
- What?
That's not in the script.
- It's called improv, Connie.
- I thought improv was four old white dudes saying,
"Yes, Ann."
- Put your opinion online.
Don't think.
Shout out to your CP.
Fuck it.
We'll do it live.
Shout out to Bill O'Reilly.
- You got charm, charisma, and them dick-suckin' lips.
- What?
- Bye. - (Harmonizing) Bye.
- Oh, you guys are making beautiful music.
Oh my god, it's never done this before.
- Really?
- Well, sometimes I wake up like this
but then I just tuck it into my headband.
See, no one can tell.
- We want the right to vote.
- And you want the right to stuff her ballot box
with three fifths of your sex limb.
- Good golly, Maurice!
- Honestly, you're not working with a lot.
You might be able to pull off five fifths
or as some people like to say, one whole child dick.
Andrew, I'm gonna be honest with you.
You look insanely good,
like Billy Crystal at a Clippers game.
- That's exactly what I was going for!
- [Both] Women love Billy Crystal!
- Uh, is she-- - Threatenin' to kill you?
I don't know.
These Florida girls are hard to read.
- Andrew, and I can deal with this if the answer is yes,
are you the ponytail killer?
- We're in too deep!
I already got a tramp stamp.
It says slut walk, right?
- All right, lock the door, Andrew.
We're gonna "Inglorious Bastards" these A-holes.
- You wanna light the room on fire
and kill everybody?
- Yeah, what were you thinking?
- I was thinking we just leave the Nazi meeting.
I mean, nobody knows we're here.
- [Narrator] One day God turned himself
into a burning bush.
- Oh, I had that before.
(toothbrush vibrating)
Hmmm, that vibrator's got a toothbrush on it.
- Really?
You think I should?
- Ay, vagina, you awake?
- [Vagina] Yeah, I just had a few cups of coffee.
What's up?
- Girls trip!
- [Vagina] Woohoo! Here we go.
(Connie howling)
Girls on a trip.
- So hot.
Siri find fuckable magma near me.
- [Siri] Did you mean edible smegma?
- No, but you know, bookmark that.
You know where I get my Greek yogurt?
- Someplace gross.
- No!
John Stamos' balls.
♪ For he's a jolly gay homo ♪
♪ For he's a jolly gay homo ♪ ♪ For I'm a jolly gay homo ♪
♪ This song is public domain ♪
(laughing)
- You can't choose who you like.
I don't wanna like Seann William Scott, but I do.
What can I say?
He's fun.
- Ooh!
You should ask her to rub some blue chalk on your cue stick,
put your two balls in her middle pocket.
Come on, you wanna go balls deep in his feed.
- I'm sorry.
Is his feed his mouth?
- Yep, and his timeline is his ass.
It's easy math, my friend.
- Oh, oh! He sent me another snap.
- Let me see, let me see.
I wanna be a part of this.
- I'm behind a little boy at the mall
who keeps calling his mom bruh.
(both laughing)
- That's hilarious.
Send him a dick pic.
Use my handsome one.
- The trick to perfect breakfast tacos
is to eat you out.
- I'm sorry, that's all he says.
- Sounds like your mama just won an orgasm.
- Ugh.
- And a brand new jet ski!
- It's like a motorcycle for the water, baby.
- Smile but with your penis.
(grunting)
Hold it, hold it.
Yeah, baby.
(camera snapping)
Oh, that was perfect.
- That was good?
- You're honestly a natural.
Have you done this before?
- No, people say it's illegal.
- Yeah.
- Oh, fuck safety.
Let's go!
- Andrew, let's get on the highway.
I wanna moon some truckers.
- One second.
I'm figuring out the signals.
- Ooh, I can't wait to feel my hot taint
against the cool window.
- What?
- All right, you run along, baby.
I'll be here farting up in your bed.
(saxophone music)
(deeply sniffing)
Mmm, that smells like raw honey.
- Sorry, I forgot my--
Oh my god!
What is that?
- You like that?
- No.
- That came from the front.
I get it, Maury.
Sometimes it's nice to just have a good friend.
- Yeah, but other times it's better
to have a good friend with benefits.
- Hmmm?
- Connie.
Will you be my valentine?
- Oh, Maury, that thing is covered with genital warts!
- What?
Oh fuck me.
I thought those were hearts.
- Baby, you gotta wear your glasses.
- No, they make me look old.
- No, Maurice.
They make you look distinguished.
- They do?
- Mmhmm.
(growling)
(glass shattering)
(growling)
(funky music)