After months of debate Congress passed the Pornographic Media Concealment Act
yesterday, intended to hide our nation's pornography
from future generations of Americans. -This act will ensure
that the inhabitants of ensuing centuries
will judge us based on our contribution to literature
and the arts rather than on our vast porn collection.
Just imagine the look on some future archeologist's face
when he unearths 'Grandma Likes it Hard' volume III,
and you will understand why we must act.
The newly created US Porn Stashing Agency
will be tasked with carrying out the project.
According to the chief director of the US Porn Stashing Agency
all internet porn sites will be hidden behind a portal
disguised as an unremarkable business site
called Qualitative Consulting. -To gain entry to the pornography,
US citizens will have to use the password 'catnap',
all lower case, one word 'catnap', but please
don't write that down anywhere.
Individual porn collections will be moved
to several dozen fake mountains in southern New Hampshire.
There will be an interracial mountain, a barely-legal mountain.
At the base of each mountain there will be a hidden door
where any American can enter, no questions asked.
The agency also unveiled a video to help Americans understand
how these new policies will affect their porn
The Porn Stashing Agency will store all pornographic materials
under piles of old camping equipment inside cardboard boxes
with the word Canada written on them. -I'm from the year 3000.
That way future historians will think we're just holding on to it for Canada.
And for citizens who make their own home sex tapes,
the new policy requires they begin all recordings
with at least 5 minutes of C-Span footage
so future viewers will just get bored and stop watching.
Previous Congressional proposals to make the nation
seem more impressive, including plans to scatter the nation
with opera playbills, treat Usain Bolt as an average speed human,
and blame the massive amount of idiotic internet discourse
on a few faulty robots all failed to gain popular support.
Next up we'll talk to that pilot who heroically crash-landed a plane
into Maureen Dowd.