- How do you move through a lack of confidence
towards believing in yourself,
towards having that confidence?
(upbeat music)
I think it comes down to breaking worth ties.
Now what do I mean by that?
Every person ties their worth to something.
And usually, what you tie your worth to
is determined by your personality type.
We talk about four types of personalities-
the dreamers, the closers, the healers, and the thinkers.
Dreamers very much tie their worth
to being the life of the party,
to having great fun ideas,
to seeing things the way nobody else sees them,
to telling great stories, telling great jokes,
and coming up with things
that nobody else would come up with.
Closers tie their worth to getting things done,
and accomplishing things,
and accomplishing them when and how they want
to accomplish them.
Healers tie their worth to their ability
to comfort others, to nurture others, to lift others up.
And thinkers tie their ability to how much they know,
how much they've learned, having the best plans,
being the person that people talk to
and turn to for answers.
The issue with this, of course, is that,
if you are any one of these personality types,
and it's not going your way, you're not accomplishing
what you're looking to accomplish,
then you feel like a failure.
For example, if I'm a dreamer,
and I'm a life of the party type,
and I'm with a crowd that doesn't value my energy,
that sees it as childish,
that doesn't value my flow of ideas,
that doesn't value my jokes.
They're more serious group.
Then I may feel like a failure.
And I may feel like I am unworthy of love, unlovable.
And I may be prone to changing who I am,
and abandoning who I am to fit in.
And trying to be more like the group that surrounds me.
If I'm a closer and I tie my work to accomplishment,
what happens if I'm working with a team,
and the team is struggling,
and the team can't keep the pace that I'm keeping,
I may feel like a failure,
because I'm not doing what I set out to do.
And then I may turn on my team members,
and lash out at them, and be hurtful towards them,
or blame them, instead of having compassion
for what they're going through, and helping them through it.
If I'm a healer and I'm trying to comfort somebody,
and they're refusing to be comforted,
or what they're going through is so heavy,
that they can't be comforted,
they can't feel happy, they can't feel uplifted,
they just feel awful, because they're mourning,
or they're grieving, or they're depressed,
or they're anxious, and I can't make it go away,
I may feel like a failure.
And if I'm a thinker and I have an opinion,
a well-researched opinion, and it turns out I was wrong.
Or somebody else knows more than me on this subject.
Or people don't turn to me, they're handling it themselves,
I may feel like I don't have worth anymore.
So where do I get that attitude of confidence?
By breaking those worth ties.
By breaking this, I tie my worth to this one thing,
and if this one thing isn't going the way I want it to,
then I don't have worth anymore.
I need to get out of that mental box,
and see myself on a broader spectrum of my abilities,
my talents, my gifts to the world,
my gifts to my life, my gifts to my family.
That my worth isn't tied to whether or not
people accept it well.
I wanna tell you something.
As someone who did stage comedy for several years,
the exact same material delivered the exact same way
will play completely different,
depending on the crowd you have in front of you.
So, one crowd will make it seem like I, as the comedian,
and the material I've prepared,
it's all fantastic, amazing stuff.
And I feel great about myself.
A different crowd, same material,
is I'm gonna bomb.
And I may think that I don't have worth,
and that my material sucks,
but it's the crowd I'm with.
Your worth is innate.
Your worth is there.
Certain people telling you how great you are,
or other people telling you how terrible you are,
or some people not doing their part
or struggling to do their part,
or other people rising to meet the occasions
you can accomplish something,
or one group of people needing your advice
versus another not needing it,
or one person being comforted by your efforts,
and another not being comforted by those same efforts,
doesn't change who you are, what your worth is,
or what your abilities are.
Just means we have different circumstances,
different circumstances, different people,
different situations yield different outcomes,
but when we attach our worth to those outcomes,
we're building on a sandy foundation.
So how do you build on a strong foundation?
Start by becoming more self-aware.
Become aware of what you're thinking about yourself
and about the world around you.
Challenge thoughts that are detrimental,
irrational, negative, or absurd.
Filter out of your life, negative people who drag you down.
And ask yourself, "Is how I'm thinking about myself
in the world around me really serving me?
Is it helping?
And if it's not, what can I change?
What can I change so that it does help?"
The other thing is to practice positive self talk,
so that you can develop confidence
in every area of your life.
I release the belief that I'm unworthy.
I release the belief that I'm not good enough.
I release the belief that I can't do this.
I am worthy.
I am good enough.
I can do this.
Developing confidence serves you in every area of your life.
And confidence is not arrogance.
I don't consider myself an arrogant person.
Maybe I am.
Maybe I'm blind to it.
But to me, arrogance is seeing yourself
as superior to others.
Whereas, confidence is just knowing who you are.
Arrogance is putting others down to build yourself up.
Confidence is building yourself up,
and then wanting to lift those around you.
And there will be people who see
your confidence as arrogance,
but if you're not putting others down,
and if you're not seeing yourself as superior,
people who see you as arrogant,
see you that way, because they're struggling
with their confidence.
It is about the things that they are carrying
inside the things that they're wrestling with.
It's got nothing to do with you.
So that's how to build in my estimation
and attitude of confidence.
Thank you for trusting us as we learn about our emotions,
how to move through the negative ones
towards the positive ones,
and we'll see you next time.
(upbeat music)