-So, Vicki, I got this question from one of our clients recently.
How long should I keep paying for my 19-year-olds unsettling lifestyle? Are
you worried about whether you're helping or enabling? We've helped thousands of parents
just like you to answer that and other pressing questions. Let's get into it.
Let's go over four considerations here together as you make the decisions about where to set
those limits and the fact that you're asking the question in the first place,
tells us a lot about where we are. So, let's start with that first consideration.
-That first consideration is, what stage of moral development are we dealing with here? -Well,
I think he's referring to here is a model that we've developed for our parent coaching programs.
You can get a copy of this. Go to the url that's on your screen drpauljenkins.com/stages
and we will put this right in your inbox so that you'll know exactly what we're referring to
when we're talking about what stage is your child on. -We're not going to go into a lot of detail
about the model right now. But just realize, that you need to understand, where are they?
What stage is our child working with us? Are they cooperating with us? Are they communicating with
us? Are they taking any initiative? So, we need to understand exactly where they are so that it helps
us determine how we're going to respond to them. -Such an important consideration. When I get
this question in our coaching groups for example, I'll always say, "Well, it depends".
Meaning, it depends on what stage they're on. Vicki you mentioned cooperation you mentioned
communication. So, think of it this way for a minute, my kid young adult is either cooperating
with me or not. If they're cooperating with you we got a whole different set of possibilities that we
can work with. If they're not cooperating with you that's what we refer to as stage
one in the model and it requires a very different intervention from the parent. We've listed this
as a consideration because when you're trying to decide how much should I continue to support
them through money or contributions or other resources that you're providing
the answer is going to depend on, "Well, what stage of moral development are they in right
now?". Here's the second consideration as you're making those decisions, how's the communication?
Vicki, when you shared earlier that the first consideration is what stage of moral development
are they in. The second one ties into that because communication is definitely staged two.
-Two and three. -In our model two and three. -Right. -Primarily, you want to ask yourself
how is the communication? We really advocate what we call a top-down approach and when we
talk about this in our coaching programs you think of the model that we've shared with you.
Where the three stages of moral development we want to start as high as we can and go as
low as we have to. If your child your young adult child is communicating well with you
you don't have to get as controlling as if they are refusing to communicate with you.
-Because there's cooperation, there's consulting, there's communication.
It just depends on where that at and then those I think that when your communication is open
it's easier to get on the same page and then maybe you're not asking that question quite the same way
to yourself because you're talking about it. But if the communication is closed
it's a lot more on your shoulder to figure out what you're doing about it. -This is a piece
also that you can have a lot of impact on as a parent. Most of the time when young adults are in
a situation where they're trying to separate from their parents a little bit, establish
some of their own independence, and maturity. They expect a lot of times their parents to come
to them and lecture them or tell them what they should be doing. -Right. -And so they're kind
of set up for that already. You can change this up on the communication level by coming at them
with the primary goal of listening to understand where they're coming from
and so you'll approach them instead of saying, "Hey, you know what, I think you should do",
which they're fully expecting and they're geared up for. But instead you approach them and say,
"Tell me more about", whatever aspect of their life.
You don't really know that much about yet and then zip it and listen. See, if you can listen at least
twice as much as you're talking and that will change the communication dynamic. -Consideration
number three is what are my freebies that I'm willing to give with or without their choices.
-We often want to tie what we're providing to them to
what their behavior is like. But let's face it, as a generous benevolent loving parent which you are
there are some things you just want to do because that's who you are. You want to provide it because
you are who you are. -And I think you know we went the very first question is how long do I keep
paying for this particular lifestyle, right? There are some things that you probably aren't
going to pull back from. Just recognize what those freebies are like maybe you aren't going to
I mean, I don't know. You just have to think it out yourself. Maybe it's you're not going to
take away their place to stay at this point. Although, you would prefer that they start
working or something like that. Just realize what part you're not? What is your freebie? Because
I know that as a parent it's really hard it's like,
"What I'm just not supposed to do, anything?", you know you there are some things you got to
realize what's your freebie because that's really more about you than it is them and
so tying their behavior to something that is more about you is really kind of a tough place
to put them in. -Well and the dilemma that we get into as parents and I remember I was talking to a
mom about this just recently a couple of days ago where she said, "We've planned this trip",
okay, it was like a family trip they were gonna go have some fun. "But my son has not finished his
application to the University or something", I can't remember all the details but you get
where I'm going with this. "We planned this trip he hasn't done his responsibility.
Do I still let him go?",
as if the trip is a privilege that he earns through being responsible with his
University application. -Right. -That's why it's important to consider what are my freebies?
And she decided that one of her freebies is we're taking a family vacation every year whether or
not my kids are doing what I want them to do. Because that's just something that I provided.
Something that she wanted to build into the family culture. So, her hands were no longer tied by
he hasn't filled out the application like I asked him to so now he can't go on the family trip.
-Right. -See, those aren't tied one's a freebie. Consideration number
four gets back to the consequences and how we're thinking about them. Okay,
so here it is. Am I trying to manipulate them or am I simply honoring their choices?
I think this one ties a little bit back into number two the communicating. If you're listening,
because the very title of this is how long do I keep paying for my child's unsettling
lifestyle and that unsettling there is some judgment there, right?
Are we trying to manipulate and coerce our children to be somebody who they're
on a different path and they are on at that moment or and that's I think a really good
question to ask ourselves. Am I honoring their choices and their journey or am I trying to
manipulate them and it's just a consideration. I'm not saying you're doing it right or wrong.
I just think it's a really good question to ask yourself. There's some indicators too and
I have parents approach me with this all the time in our coaching groups where they say,
"I've tried these consequences and they're not working". Okay, so notice what that implies?
They're not working to change my child's behavior in the way that I would prefer that
he or she behaves. Well, what if we switch that up? We're not trying to change their behavior and
this is a tough one because a lot of the reason that you're looking for effective consequences
is because you're really invested in how you can change their behavior. Well, let's just put that
baby to rest okay because you can't change their behavior. That's outside of your control. They can
and so consequences now become simply honoring their choice. Let's say for example that you agree
to provide a vehicle for your 19-year-old to use if or when. Now, these are the conditional
words if or when they are being responsible for their schooling for example it could be
or their job or whatever it is. I'm thinking of one mom I'm working with where her son is really
struggling to keep a job and so it might be tied to that, okay. So, let's say that they blow off
work again and they get fired. You're not removing access to the vehicle as a punishment or as an
attempt to try to manipulate their behavior you're simply honoring their choice. Oh, okay, this
is what you're choosing I'm honoring your choice. It becomes a very different energy that way.
I hope these considerations get you thinking in a way that's productive. If you're liking
this material please cue up that next video about what every parent of young adult needs to know.