WELCOME TO THE LATE SHOW.
HAVE A SEAT, EVERYBODY, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE.
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
IT IS A HOT TIME IN THE OLD TOWN TONIGHT!
AND I'VE GOT TO GIVE IT UP FOR MY AUDIENCE, WHO STOOD OUTSIDE
FOR HOURS IN THE HEAT, AND THEN WERE DRENCHED IN A DOWNPOUR.
WE'RE DEFINITELY NOT GETTING OUR DEPOSIT BACK ON THESE PEOPLE.
THE WHOLE COUNTRY HAS BEEN SET TO FLAME-BROIL, BUT IN SOME
PLACES, IT'S EXTRA CRISPY.
FOR OVER A WEEK IN OKLAHOMA, TEMPERATURES HAVE TOPPED 100
DEGREES.
IT'S SO HOT, THE STATE HAS A WILTED PANHANDLE.
YOU CAN SHOW THAT RIGHT.
>> IT'S FINE.
AND THINGS COULD GET MUCH HOTTER, ACCORDING TO CLIMATE
ACTIVIST AL GORE, SEEN HERE IN A SEXY P.S.A. ABOUT THE DANGEROUS
WARMING IN YOUR PANTS.
GORE WENT ON THE SUNDAY SHOWS THIS WEEKEND, WARNING THAT
OUR ATMOSPHERE COULD "GET A LOT WORSE."
THANKS, AL!
WHERE WERE YOU 20 YEARS AGO, WHEN WE COULD HAVE DONE
SOMETHING ABOUT THIS?
I'M SORRY, HE WHAT?
REALLY?
OKAY, WELL, MAYBE IF MORE PEOPLE HAD VOTED FOR HIM THAN THE OTHER
GUY, HE WOULD HAVE HAD A CHANCE TO BE-- OH, I'M SORRY WHAT?
OKAY.
SAY HY TO TIPPER?
WHAT?
HERE'S WHAT THE FORMER ALMOST-PRESIDENT SAID:
>> BEHIND ME YOU SEE A PICTURE FROM THE INTERNATIONAL SPACE
STATION THAT SHOWS HOW THIN THE ATMOSPHERE IS.
>> Stephen: AND THE AWARD FOR MOST DEPRESSING ZOOM BACKGROUND
GOES TO AL GORE!
BETTER LUCK NEXT TIME, "UNMADE BED WITH LUMP OF CLOTHES ON IT."
GORE EXPLAINED THE EFFECT OF ALL THE CARBON WE'RE DUMPING IN
THE ATMOSPHERE: >> THAT'S WHY THE HEAT RECORDS
ARE BEING BROKEN ALL THE TIME NOW.
THAT'S WHY THE STORMS ARE STRONGER, WHY THE ICE IS MELTING
AND THE SEA LEVEL IS RISING AND WHY THE DROUGHTS AND FIRES ARE
HITTING US SO HARD AND SO MANY OTHER CONSEQUENCES.
>> Stephen: "AND WHILE I'M DEPRESSING YOU, I JUST WANT TO
LET YOU KNOW THAT SWITCHING TO PAPER STRAWS DOES ABSOLUTELY
NOTHING.
WHILE YOU IDIOTS WASH YOGURT RESIDUE OUT OF A
PLASTIC CUP, I'M GOING TO GO PUNCH A SEA TURTLE."
THANKFULLY, NOT ALL THE NEWS IS ABOUT DEADLY HEAT.
THERE'S ALSO PLENTY OF PLAGUE.
SPECIFICALLY, MONKEYPOX!
I'LL TELL YOU THE LATEST IN MY SEGMENT:
>> EVERYBODY'S GOT SOMETHING TO HIDE EXCEPT ME AND MY MONKEYPOX!
>> IMAGINE THERE'S NO LESIONS!
>> Stephen: ON SATURDAY, THE W.H.O. DECLARED MONKEYPOX A
GLOBAL HEALTH EMERGENCY.
NO, NO, W.H.O.!
NO NEW HEALTH EMERGENCIES UNTIL YOU FINISH YOUR COVID,
LITTLE MISTER.
THE REASON MONKEYPOX HAS BEEN UPPED TO EMERGENCY STATUS IS
BECAUSE IT'S SPREADING FASTER THAN SCIENTISTS EXPECTED.
AS OF TODAY, NEW YORK CITY ALONE HAS LOGGED OVER 1,000 CASES.
THAT IS UNACCEPTABLE.
THE ONLY DISEASE YOU SHOULD CONTRACT IN NEW YORK IS HERPES
FROM A SUBWAY POLE.
WELCOME TO OUR BEAUTIFUL CITY!
TOUCH NOTHING.
THE C.D.C. HAS PROVIDED SOME INFORMATION ON HOW MONKEYPOX
SPREADS.
MAINLY THROUGH DIRECT CONTACT WITH AN INFECTIOUS RASH, AND
BODY FLUIDS.
WHICH IS WHY THEY SAY, WHEN AT ALL POSSIBLE, PEOPLE WITH
MONKEYPOX SHOULD HANDLE THEIR OWN SOILED LAUNDRY.
THAT C.D.C. REPORT WAS WRITTEN BY DR. MOM WHO'S SICK OF THIS.
"YOU'RE 23, JORDAN!
GO TO A LAUNDROMAT!" UNLIKE COVID, RESEARCHERS HAVE
FOUND THAT THE MONKEYPOX VIRUS CAN LIVE ON SURFACES FOR UP TO
15 DAYS.
OKAY, I SPENT OVER A YEAR WIPING DOWN MY GROCERIES, BUT I DRAW
THE LINE AT SCRUBBING MY MONKEY.
IT'S A SIN.
(LAUGHTER) SPEAKING OF DISEASED, ON FRIDAY,
WE GOT A VERDICT IN THE CONTEMPT TRIAL OF FORMER PRESIDENTIAL
ADVISOR-- (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
STEVE BANNON.
SEEN HERE SPOTTING A GOOD SLEEPIN' PLACE AT THE DOG TRACK.
LEADING UP TO AND THROUGH THE TRIAL, BANNON HAS BEEN FIERCELY
DEFIANT.
>> THIS IS GOING TO BE THE MISDEMEANOR FROM HELL FOR
MERRICK GARLAND, NANCY PELOSI AND JOE BIDEN.
WE'RE GOING TO GO ON THE OFFENSE.
WE'RE TIRED OF PLAYING DEFENSE, WE'RE GOING ON THE OFFENSE ON
THIS AND STAND BY.
PRAY FOR OUR ENEMIES, BECAUSE WE'RE GOING MEDIEVAL ON THESE
PEOPLE.
WE'RE GOING TO SAVAGE OUR ENEMIES.
SO PRAY FOR THEM.
WHO NEEDS PRAYERS.
CERTAINLY NOT STEVEN K. BANNON.
>> Stephen: HE DOESN'T NEED PRAYERS, OR WANT THEM.
I BELIEVE WE HAVE FOOTAGE OF THE LAST TIME SOMEONE PRAYED FOR
STEVE BANNON.
>> THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!
THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) >> Stephen: SO, WHAT KINDS OF
SAVAGE MEDIEVAL HELL DID BANNON UNLEASH ON HIS ENEMIES DURING
THE TRIAL?
HE PUT ON NO DEFENSE, AND WAS FOUND GUILTY ON ALL CHARGES.
EVIDENTLY, BANNON WAS HOPING TO WIN IN THE COURT OF
PUBLIC OPINION.
UNFORTUNATELY, THE TRIAL WAS HELD IN THE COURT OF COURT.
NOW THAT HE'S CONVICTED, BANNON FACES UP TO TWO YEARS IN FEDERAL
PRISON.
THAT IS AMAZING NEWS FOR EVERYONE EXCEPT FOR THE PRISON
GUARD WHO HAS TO PERFORM THE STRIP SEARCH.
"ALL RIGHT, MR. BANNON, SIR, PLEASE REMOVE YOUR SHIRT.
AND YOUR OTHER SHIRT.
AND ALL THE REMAINING SHIRTS."
WE HAD A QUESTION BACKSTAGE IF THE AUDIENCE WOULD REMEMBER THAT
HE WEARS A LOT OF SHIRTS AT ONCE.
I WASN'T SURE IF Y'ALL WOULD REMEMBER.
I THINK I WAS RIGHT.
SO IN A WAY-- NO LAUGHS.
(APPLAUSE).
>> Stephen: A LITTLE VICTORY.
THE JURY CONVICTED BANNON AFTER LESS THAN THREE HOURS
OF DELIBERATION, INCLUDING A LUNCH BREAK.
IT TOOK THEM LESS TIME TO CONVICT HIM THAN IT DID TO AGREE
ON CALAMARI FOR THE TABLE.
REMINDS ME OF THE CLASSIC FILM, "12 HANGRY MEN."
BANNON'S NOT THE ONLY ONE BEING AFFECTED BY THE JANUARY 6th
COMMITTEE.
THEIR HEARINGS HAVE HAD A HUGE NEGATIVE IMPACT ON THE
REPUTATION OF FORMER PRESIDENT GRAND THEFT AUTOCRAT.
ACCORDING TO A "NEW YORK TIMES"-SIENA COLLEGE-KIBBLES &
BITS POLL, NEARLY HALF OF REPUBLICAN PRIMARY VOTERS ARE
SEEKING SOMEONE DIFFERENT FOR PRESIDENT IN 2024, AND A
SIGNIFICANT NUMBER ARE VOWING TO ABANDON HIM IF HE WINS THE
NOMINATION.
SO THAT MEANS SO THE HEARINGS ARE WORKING!
THE FORMER PRESIDENT HAS BEEN BETRAYED BY HIS CLOSEST FRIEND:
TV!
WATCH OUT SIR, TOILET WILL BETRAY YOU NEXT!
(LAUGHTER) THE THINGS IT'S SEEN.
WOW, WOW.
SEEMS LIKE REPUBLICAN VIEWERS WERE LISTENING WHEN JANUARY 6th
-- SORRY, SORRY, I WAS SO THROWN.
I WAS THROWN BY HOW EMOTIONALLY INVESTED YOU WERE IN HIS TOILET.
(LAUGHTER) OKAY.
SEEMS LIKE REPUBLICAN VIEWERS WERE LISTENING WHEN JANUARY
6th COMMITTEE MEMBER ADAM KINZINGER
SAID THIS: >> I SAY THIS TO MY FELLOW
REPUBLICANS-- WATCH THIS WITH AN OPEN MIND.
AND, IS THIS THE KIND OF STRONG LEADER YOU REALLY THINK
YOU DESERVE?
>> Stephen: NO, THE STRONG LEADER REPUBLICANS THINK THEY
DESERVE IS RAMBO JESUS RIDING A TIGER WITH DOUBLE-D's.
ONE REPUBLICAN WHO SEEMS TO HAVE TURNED ON THE FORMER PRESIDENT
IS MEDIA MOGUL AND BILLIONAIRE BLOBFISH...
RUPERT MURDOCH.
ON FRIDAY, AFTER THE COMMITTEE DEMONSTRATED THAT THE FORMER
PRESIDENT ACTIVELY WANTED THE INSURRECTION TO HAPPEN,
MURDOCH'S "NEW YORK POST" PUBLISHED AN OP-ED CALLING THE
EX-PREZ "UNWORTHY TO BE CHIEF EXECUTIVE AGAIN."
WELL SAID, "NEW YORK POST."
BUT WHERE'S THE PUN?
THE HEADLINE SHOULD HAVE BEEN: "UNCLE RUPE POO-POOS COUP:
IS THERE A MURDOCH-TOR IN THE HOUSE?"
THIS WEEKEND, AT THE RIGHTWING "TURNING POINT USA SUMMIT,"
WE HEARD FROM MISSOURI SENATOR AND STAR OF THE NEW FILM
"FASCIST GUMP"...
JOSH HAWLEY.
HAWLEY'S BEST KNOWN FOR RAISING HIS FIST IN SOLIDARITY WITH THE
CAPITOL RIOTERS, THEN BEING ONE OF THE SENATORS WHO OBJECTED TO
BIDEN'S VICTORY IN PENNSYLVANIA AFTER THEY STORMED THE CAPITOL.
AND HE TOLD THE CROWD HE'S NOT SORRY.
>> I OBJECTED ON JANUARY 6th LAST YEAR TO THE STATE OF
PENNSYLVANIA.
AND I JUST WANT TO SAY TO ALL OF THOSE LIBERALS OUT THERE AND THE
LIBERAL MEDIA, JUST IN CASE YOU HAVEN'T GOTTEN THE MESSAGE YET,
I DO NOT REGRET IT!
I AM NOT BACKING DOWN!
I'M NOT GOING TO APOLOGIZE.
I'M NOT GOING TO COWER.
I'M NOT GOING TO RUN FROM YOU.
>> Stephen: YEAH.
HE IS NEVER GOING TO RUN FROM HIS ENEMIES!
IN FACT, HERE HE IS ON JANUARY 6th, BRAVELY MOONWALKING INTO
DANGER.
>> Stephen: WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT!
MY GUEST IS CONGRESSMAN JAMIE RASKIN.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, ANOTHER INSTALLMENT OF MY TECH SEGMENT:
"CYBORGASM."
STICK AROUND.