Hey everybody, it is me Chasey-Poo and today
I'm going to be doing a little mental health update for you because a lot of things have been happening
for the last couple of, like, months, a couple of four months and
it's something that I kind of want to update and keep track of myself.
So that's why I like making these videos, because I can keep track of them
And also you get a little window it's what's going on with me. So
my last update was I think a little bit sad and I feel like they are always sad because I always think I'm gonna get
better and I don't. However, I think this update is actually good and I think it's because I'm communicating more and
communicating more my feelings and talking about my feelings more with the people around me. And of course with YouTube and everyone watching right now.
But I feel like I'm more in tune with who I am and what's going on with me.
Except that I am having two really big issues. So I'm diagnosed with OCD and PTSD, depression and anxiety and
BPD traits, but I'm not even dealing with that right now. Right now we're just trying to focus on OCD and
and
PTSD so I
I got the official diagnosis a couple months ago and that was shocking to me because I was like: Wow, I
feel like no one would ever take me seriously and I feel like people actually saw me and they took me seriously.
So I made a video about that and I'll put that link in the description below so you can
have a look at it because, I get it, like, I wow, yeah. So I was put on new medication,
okay, a couple months ago before the diagnosis and this medication was
suggested to me last year and, I after trying like four different types of meds last year and
like gaining a bunch of weight, and like not being able to control emotions and all of these like really bad things were happening
because these medications to support were not working for me I decided, no, I'm not gonna try any more medication. I can't do this
I'm just gonna stay on my
antidepressant that I've been on for four years and
Just leave it at that. But then I got desperate.
Okay, and the reason why is because of the PTSD that I am suffering from.
So I have PTSD from a car accident,
when I was really young when I was like thirteen and that really messed me up for a long time
Third, I was 14, I think. It doesn't matter. 14, 13-14. And
then last October, I was in a car accident in Jamaica when I was on a cruise.
It was an excursion, really don't wanna go into that. I made a video about that because I almost died. So there you go.
So the major
PTSD that I'm having right now is because of that accident and, it's not one day, or one minute of the day
I don't think about it. So it's something I've been trying to deal with. I was
suggested a new medication again. And here's the things,
I don't want to say the name of the medication, because I don't want this video to like not get monetized,
but I think I can say that like the the chemical name. So, fluoxetine is what I've been on now for the past,
I don't know, five months.
And the thing is though, that I don't react well to
SSRIs, and I was really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really scared of what was gonna happen
so I went slow. But the thing is that I
kinda had this in my mind that this is gonna work, because if this doesn't work that I have no other option
And I'm just gonna just have PTSD and have to just do therapy. And of course I'm gonna be doing therapy as well,
but I like I can't rely on anything else and
It was just weird, and I just felt like it was my last chance
at getting something that might help my OCD, my PTSD and my anxiety, because I feel like that medication just, everything, it just does everything -
for some people. I'm saying that for a reason just, follow me here.
So, I went on ten milligrams. And then three weeks later,
I went on 20. And then four weeks later, I went on 30. So, we went really slow. Usually you go up, up, up.
They want me on I think, like, eighty milligrams. I am currently on seventy.
But it's been about four months. Now that were four or five months that we're going up, very slowly.
And so I have noticed two things,
three things actually, that are happening with me on this medication. One very very very good thing. That's very like: "huh?
I didn't notice that." And that's a good thing. And then two not-so-great things. The fantastic thing that's happening
is that my compulsions and my OCD thoughts - I have intrusive thoughts, that's my diagnosis - are less.
It's less loud. I guess, its less heavy, less loud.
It's very hard to explain to people who don't have intrusive thoughts, like, what it is.
It's not a voice telling me what to do, or anything like that. I'm not schizophrenic. I don't see or hear things.
But it's more like, a, like, a feeling and, like, like, a push
towards a feeling, and an emotion, and an image, an image - in my head - that I don't want to have. And that's very unpleasant;
I've had that since I was 13.
Ao I've been
dealing with it for a long time, and I've learned to repress it, and, like, hide it onto the side of my head, and not, like [gestures to the side]
emotionally and not deal with it. But you know, after a while after you repress something for so long,
it just kind of comes right back at you. So, I have to deal with it.
But, what I've noticed is that the thoughts, and those feelings, and those images aren't as heavy. They're still there. Absolutely.
They're still there. Every day,
They're still there.
But, it's almost like, if the frequency was a hundred before, it's like down to 70. And I'm very,
confused, because it, it's, it, like it happened without me realizing it. And I get it. That's what medication does, and therapy, as well.
I'm working on that, as well. But,
and I knew it wasn't going to be a light switch, but I,
because I've been dealing with this for, like since I was 13,
I didn't think that it was gonna do anything. Like, I thought that I would just have to learn to cope with it.
But it's like, delved down. Obviously, sometimes it goes all the way back up to 100.
It skips from 70 to 100 percent on - the dial.
And most days, though, I will say it's near there 70. And that to me is just
ridiculous. And I want you to understand something, too. My 70% to 100% can be different than your 70% to 100%.
Some people don't even have intrusive thoughts,
So they're 100% would be, like, thinking about a bad thing once a week.
Mine would be thinking about a bad thing every second of the day. And I'm not even being
exaggerating [sic.] when I'm saying that. I swear to God. That would be, like, my hundred-percent.
And again, that is not something that I really talk about online,
but I really wanted to kind of bring this up, and like,
because this is, it's like a diary for me - like a video diary for me - to go back, and like, see what
I was open about, and what I talked about. And anyway, so that's a good thing that's happening.
But there are two bad things that I'm like: "ugh!" So, the first thing is that I, I have no memory. Okay?
I don't know what's going on with me.
I usually have amazing memory, but my short-term memory is like, lost. And I asked a psychiatrist, this week,
I said, "I can't remember anything."
I'll be in a middle of
a conversation and then, I'll just like, look somewhere, for one second, and then I'll come back and, I forgot everything. It's like forgetfulness
Like ,I just forget everything. I literally had two talks, like two weeks ago, in the United States
and every time I would talk, and be like,
really engaged in whatever I was going, and then I would go take a sip of water,
when I would put the water down and look back, I'd be like,
"What was I talking about?" Every single time. And that was both talks, back-to-back. And it became a joke after a while
I was like, "Okay, I'm not gonna remember. Please remember where I am, because I won't remember after I take this sip of water."
I don't know what was going on with me. And I was trying not to like psych myself out.
Like, maybe I'm telling myself that I'm forgetting things,
but
It's still happening to this day, where I'm having a conversation and I just kind of, like, drift off into space. And the psychiatrist was
like, "kind of like ADHD." I'm like, "I guess, but I don't have ADHD. Like, no one's ever diagnosed me with that.
I've never had the test. I'm pretty sure I don't have ADHD." But I have this like forgetfulness
aspect. Like, I'm not putting my keys where I usually put my keys, and I can't find them. It's it's very weird, because I,
like literally I can say this, because I have OCD. I'm very OCD. Okay? [laughs]
I am very particular about things and I like to keep things in places and I'm very organized.
So yes, it's great that the medication is helping me right now with not having these intrusive thoughts, but this really great part about
me, is that I feel it's, like, is very organized - and like, I know where things are, and I remember things, and I'm very particular - is
leaving because the medication is working. And I almost need to sound weird and, like maybe, it's just like, "Chase, get over it." But I
don't want that part to leave, because now I feel like everything is in chaos, and everything is turned around; and
I am, yes, moving right now. So maybe that's why I things are a little bit stressful,
But, I feel like, there's, everything is just thrown. And like, you know that,
that gif, you walk in and it's like everything is on fire. It's like, "Oh, this is fine. Everything is fine."
I feel like that's my life right now,
And it's a physical thing now, where before it was more mental. So, it's almost like I have to choose
What's better. Do I rather
have these really bad intrusive thoughts every single second of every single day, but be very organized and,
yeah? Or do I want to not think about these horrible things in my head all day long, only a couple of times, and
not be organized and learn how to organize myself? I have no idea.
I don't know if I'm organized because I have OCD. I have literally no idea.
But it's something that I've noticed right now. Again,
I am moving so maybe because of that. But so, those are the two things right there:
my forgetfulness and my, like...
I feel like it's helping one part but not helping another part. So, it's a little, a
Little, all over the place, but that's how I'm feeling right now. Another thing on this medication,
but like I really don't care right now, is that you have like literally no sex drive. But
because I have so much faith in this medication,
and because I need it to work, and I want it to work, and I'm putting a lot of faith in it, honestly, and
I'm trusting the mental health professionals that are taking care of me, because they
really care, and it was the first time I really felt seen like, they
saw me. They saw that I was suffering and I was like, "whoa, I did not expect this from this assessment."
But,
it was really great. And I just...
No. Oh my god, it had just happened. I literally don't remember what I was talking about. Oh my god, damn it. Ugh.
My god, the more I try to go towards it, the more goes away. Oh,
I need to like change the subject or something. And not talk about this anymore, because, it's like, I can't remember what I was talking
about. And I feel like it might also be a stress response. Like, where you don't remember things.
But the thing is, I've done so many talks and I love doing talks, and connecting with the audience, and
it doesn't make any sense that I would be talking about something, and then I would be like completely forgetful, and
disassociating, and know who I am, and where I am.
Like, it just doesn't make sense to me, in terms of like, I've had that happen during anxiety, panic attacks and like,
stuff like that, but this is this is different. So I don't know.
I don't feel like it's a stress reaction, because there's nothing stressful happening behind me.
So that's not, that's what's going on with me right now.
Sorry, I couldn't finish that last thought. When I'm editing this video, I'm gonna be like, "oh, that's what I was talking about."
So, I'm sorry that I can't finish that thought, but I'm sure it was good! [laughs]
Damn it. [laughs] I think it was something about I'm putting a lot of faith. No sex drive? Was that it?
I mean, I think that might have been in it. It doesn't matter.
I really don't care about sex drive or no sex drive, whatever, at this point,
Because I care about getting better, and
that's kind of my main
priority; Because I feel like when I'm better, I can have all the sex that I want after. You know what I'm saying?
Like, it's not the biggest thing. Also
I'm gaining a lot of weight on this medication, which sucks, because from what I understand,
it's not weight neutral, but it's one of those that doesn't really cause weight gain. But of course,
I'm that 1%, like a, like a small percentage of people that is gaining weight.
So, I've gained some weight and my psychiatrist is like, keeping track of my weight. Not in like a weird way,
but in like a, let's see if you are increasing
weight because of a medication or something. Anyways,
It's just mentally, I try to like not think about those things, because it's really messing with me,
But yeah, so that's where I'm at. I'm gonna stay on the medication. If I feel to disassociate-y because. Oh, sorry.
That was the second thing. Oh my god.
That was the second thing that's bad about this. Is that I'm just dissociating like there is no tomorrow!
Like, I will be talking here, and I know I am in my room, and I will
close my eyes, and reopen them, and say, "where the hell am I? [I] look at myself in the mirror,
no idea who I am. That has happened in the past. I just dissociate a lot. I've been dissociating since I'm 13. Ay! [clicks tongue]
I wonder if that's related at all to PTSD. Hmm.
I can't look at myself in the mirror. I'm pointing here because my mirror is right there.
I have this issue where I feel like, I am, I'm not able to like understand who's looking at me, and I don't understand
it's me.
And then I feel like I'm disconnected, and then when I talk about it, it's happening right now.
And I'm trying not to look at myself with a viewfinder, because I feel like I'm spiraling!
But anyways on this medication
I feel like I'm way more
disconnected, and I feel like I'm walking around, kind of, like a zombie; but not zombie, like when I was on risperidone. That's different.
Um anyway, so that's it. I don't really know what where this video is going.
I just kind of wanted to update you and update me, I guess later on. [sings] About what's going on.
And I'll tell you how therapy is going - I mean group therapy. I'm getting individual therapy soon. I have a psychiatrist
And yeah, I'm in this to, I'm in this to win. I'm gonna win this battle.
Not that I can cure OCD, and PTSD, and anxiety, and depression, and BPD traits, and all that stuff,
but I can get better. And
I have faith that I can do it and power through, because I have been dealing with this for too many years. And
I feel like because I'm getting the help that I need and have people who
really care and want to help, and then if they stop helping then, I have to find something else,
but I think they're pushing me to really think that it's a possibility that I can better. Whereas before I was like,
"I'll always be like this."
Anyways, hope you have a great week. Talk to you later. Bye. [clicks tongue]