-Thank you very much, everyone! Thank you!
Welcome, welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show"!
Here we go. [ Cheers and applause ]
Well, guys, it is a big night for the country
as Georgia held its two runoff elections,
which will determine the balance of power in the Senate.
It was exciting this morning when MSNBC pried open the lid
and watched Steve Kornacki arise from his hyperbaric chamber.
[ Laughter ]
"The Kornak is back wearing the khak!"
[ Cheers and applause ]
Because these races are so important,
last night President Trump traveled to Georgia and held
a rally on behalf of the two Republican candidates,
Senator David Perdue and Kelly Loeffler.
Yep, it was quite a night.
Trump spoke for almost 90 minutes,
and then he invited everyone on a scavenger hunt
to find 12,000 more votes.
[ Laughter ] That was nice.
Yeah, the whole point of Trump's visit was to rally support
for the two Republican candidates,
but GOP officials were worried
he'd start talking about his loss to Biden.
Let's see how long he stayed on message.
-I want to thank you very much. Hello, Georgia.
By the way, there's no way we lost Georgia.
There's no way. -Ah!
Five seconds. Well, way longer than I expected.
Trump would read "A Tale of Two Cities"
like, "It was the best of -- By the way, I am the best.
Everyone says I'm the best." [ Laughter ]
Seriously, he's still campaigning for an election
he already lost.
Imagine Justin Guarini tweeting today,
"Text 50815 and make me the next American Idol."
[ Laughter ]
It's been a while since Trump made a campaign speech.
And he seemed a little rusty.
Listen closely to how he pronounced the word America.
-We have made "Uhmeruca" strong again.
Look at that arm.
-What happened? W-W-What happened there?
It was like halfway through a hypnotist put him to sleep.
[ Laughter ]
"We have made --" Sleep!
"Uhmeruca strong again." [ Laughter ]
"Is there ice in my shoe?"
[ Laughter ]
[ Clucks ] [ Laughter ]
It was either that or one of his aides
hit him with a tranq dart.
"Uhmeruca."
Can we see it again there, Dave, Uhmeruca?
-We have made Uhmeruca strong again.
Look at that arm.
-"Look at that arm." Distraction.
[ Laughter ]
If he can't say America,
why can't he just go with the United States?
-God bless the United Shtates.
-Ah. That's why. That's why. [ Laughter ]
Another big moment during the speech was
when Trump brought up Vice President Pence.
Yeah, Trump has been begging Pence to stop Congress
from certifying the Electoral College vote tomorrow.
Pence can't really do that,
but that hasn't stopped Trump from pressuring him.
-I hope Mike Pence comes through for us, I have to tell you.
He's a great guy.
Of course if he doesn't come through,
I won't like him quite as much.
[ Laughter ]
-Pence's only role is to preside over the ballot counting.
He's basically one step above a bingo caller.
Wow. [ Laughter ]
That's a respected profession in this crowd.
[ Laughter ]
Bingo caller not that bad.
We like bingo caller.
He's the vice president.
Yeah. Mm.
Bingo caller. [ Laughter ]
Yeah, Trump said he hopes Mike Pence
comes through tomorrow
and basically overturns the election.
-Wait, wait, wait, Trump wants Mike Pence
to swoop in and overturn the results?
-Yeah, Mike Pence.
-Mr. Bore? -Senior Snore.
-Dr. Doh? -McDreary.
-Christian Pale? -Ashen Kutcher.
-Android Cuomo? -Robot de Niro.
[ Laughter ] -Pence help?
-Hell no. -Biden win?
-Once again. -That's cool.
-That's right. -Mm-hmm.
-Yep, yep. -New Year's?
-Not bad. -Gold plates?
-Stay at home? -Champagne.
-Oh, yeah. -Dom bomb?
-Cheap stuff. -Headache?
-Real bad. -Sorry, man.
-All good. -Cool, cool.
Good talk.
-Best buds? -Uh, do the monologue.
[ Laughter ]
-Right.
[ Laughter ]
Meanwhile, during the trip to Georgia, Ivanka Trump
tweeted a photo from Marine One and accidently tagged the singer
Meat Loaf instead of her father. [ Laughter ]
Secret Service was like, "Ivanka, please, please,
don't give away his code name." [ Laughter ]
Yep, Ivanka tried to tag @realdonaldtrump
but accidently ended up with @realmeatloaf.
[ Laughter ]
In response Arby's was like, "That's funny.
There's no such thing as real meatloaf."
[ Laughter ]
Listen to this. I read that the CEO of
Whole Foods, John Mackey, is being criticized
after saying healthcare would not be necessary
if people would eat better and live healthier lifestyles.
Can't wait till John breaks his leg
and the ER doctor prescribes him a $20 mango.
[ Laughter ]
Some entertainment news -- last night was
the season premiere of "The Bachelor."
[ Cheers and applause ] Yeah.
And the most talked about moment was the arrival
of a woman who brought Matt an interesting gift.
Watch this.
-I brought something from home...
-Okay. -...that's really special to me.
This pandemic was really hard for me.
And this just really got me through a lot.
And I was hoping to pass the torch to you.
[ Laughter ]
-Who knew the naked dodgeball season would end up
being the "classy" season? [ Laughter ]
Then Chris Harrison was like, "She's not a contestant.
I don't know how that lady got in there.
Please wash your hands, please."
It'll be awkward in 10 years when their kids are like,
"Mom, Dad, tell us about when you first met."
[ Laughter ]
Just a reminder that ABC is owned by Disney.
[ Laughter ]
People tune in like, "It'll be nice to take a break
from all the horrible news and just -- okay, you know what?
Back to CNN, let's put on CNN."
Eh. [ Laughter ]
And finally, a company that makes face masks for pets
has seen a 500% increase in sales since the pandemic began.
Here's a dog wearing one of the masks.
Meanwhile, dogs are going to be like,
"It's not COVID. It's my breath, isn't it?"