First the Bow-Lingual,
a device that translates your dog’s barks into English, was introduced,
and then the Meow-Lingual became available the following year.
Both inventions are fantastic,
but what I really want is a Wife-Lingual.
Most of the time, my wife seems to speak a different language.
Her short and vague responses are confusing and misleading.
I need to know what my wife really means when she says “Oh yeah” after I ask, “Can I do the dishes later?”
Responses like “whatever,” “uh-huh,”
or “up to you” to such statements as “I will come home late tonight”
or “I can’t pick up the kids today”
leave me no clue as to what I should do next.
Besides, my wife is good at playing emotional hide-and-seek.
She says “I am fine” when obvious signs of anger have appeared on her face.
Yet the wrong interpretation of her emotional state might lead to a cold war or to a later volcanic eruption.
I really want to know her present emotional state
so that I can figure out
when will be the best time to talk about a raise in my allowance.