- I'm from Tennessee though, originally,
and I still have a little bit of an accent
'cause like people hear it
and they always come up and they're always like,
"Oh what's up, where's your accent from?"
I'm like Tennessee.
They're like, "Oh it's cool.
I have a cousin that lives in Florida."
(audience laughing)
All right, I don't even.
Are we just naming states?
Is that what's going on?
(upbeat music)
Went to school in Tennessee, which was fun.
I went to a community college
for an entire year
and I do not have one credit.
(audience laughing)
It didn't.
Like, none of it counted.
The reason is 'cause I had to take remedial classes so,
which remedial basically means they're like,
look, we have no idea how your high school let you leave
and we are shocked and we're actually gonna look into it.
(audience laughing)
But, until then, here's your classes you're gonna take.
Here's what I took.
I took math like, like I don't like the books said math.
(audience laughing)
Like that's what.
How crazy is that?
(audience laughing)
They stopped calling it math after like sixth grade.
(audience laughing)
I had to take reading.
I took reading.
I drove to that class.
I drove to a reading class.
I'm not even an immigrant.
I am from here.
I should have knocked that out years ago.
And with reading,
I think they were just impressed
when you made it to the class.
They were like, "Look who made it today, buddy?"
You're like, funny guys.
I'm like, I'm pretty dumb.
(audience laughing)
I'm like, you know, I tell people I'm dumb.
I'm like, hey, I'm dumb.
And but no one goes like, okay.
They're just always like, I'll bet, you're not dumb.
And you're like, well I'm trying to help you out here.
We're about to have a conversation
so I'm just trying to give you a heads up.
(audience laughing)
Here's a story.
I can prove it.
If I knew you like, I prove it.
Like, everybody's like, no, we, yeah, you know,
we don't need proof.
Here's my proof.
Is when I was 15,
my first job was in Nashville.
It was at Opryland theme park.
We used to have an amusement park
and I was working
and I'm sitting eating lunch
and this couple sits down and we start talking and stuff.
I was like, I'm Nate.
And the guy's like, I'm John, this is my wife Jane.
And their last name was Doe.
So it was John and Jane Doe.
And I was just like, that's the craziest thing?
Like what are the odds of that?
You know, like that's so crazy.
Couldn't believe it.
Cut to earlier this year,
I'm 35, I'm driving
and I'm thinking about John and Jane Doe
and you know I was like,
I bet they were lying to me about that.
(audience laughing)
That's how long it took, 20 years,
for me to catch on to a joke they wouldn't remember saying.
I don't think they would remember it.
They'd be like, maybe we did that.
Well, it worked.
It worked so good.
I tried to Google 'em
'cause I was like, maybe they'd stopped,
maybe they're not, you know.
I'll find them and go talk to 'em
but I'm sad to report they were murdered.
(audience laughing)
Yeah.
It's not good.
(audience applauding)
It's like, I think of it like,
like time traveling.
Like if I could go back in time,
like if I go back in time tonight
and go back to like the twenties
knowing everything I know right now,
I don't think I would make a difference.
(audience laughing)
I don't think you guys would even hear about it.
I don't think you would.
I just don't.
Like, 'cause I don't have anything to get, you know?
Like I would go back
and I would see like some guy on an old phone
and I'd be like, hey, eventually they have phones
you like carry in your pocket.
And they're like, yes, like how do they do it?
And I'm like, I mean, I don't know how they do it.
(audience laughing)
I think it's a satellite.
I think a satellite.
They're like, what's a satellite?
Oh I shouldn't have even said that.
(audience laughing)
It's like metal.
Metal's gotta go pretty high in the air.
I don't know if you guys are doing,
I don't even know if I could prove I'm from the future.
I don't even think I could.
I think I would just get stuck
'cause they would want something.
Like who's the next president?
Oh boy.
(audience laughing)
Abraham Lincoln.
You guys are gonna love him, he's really good.
They just think I'm from the past.
That's what they were like.
They would just look like
and they don't have to get a regular job.
I would just have to like wait tables or something
in the twenties.
I would go back in time
and do worse than I'm doing right now.
I don't know how many y'all believe in evolution or not.
Like, I don't know if that's y'alls thing.
I do not.
I'm from the south
and I'm going to heaven
so I don't have time to believe in that voodoo evolution.
Don't push your stuff on me.
They say we have 98% of the same DNA as a monkey.
98%, that is a lot.
You're telling me like 2%,
like that's how close I am to eating my own crap
like a monkey is 2%.
If that is true though,
lemme tell you that is my favorite 2% in my entire body.
I didn't even know why,
but I'm a big fan of that 2%.
If I ever had DNA surgery,
I'd be like please don't touch my non monkey DNA.
(audience laughing)
I really can't afford to go back.
(audience cheering and clapping)
So I wanted to play college basketball
and that didn't work out.
It didn't work out 'cause I got cut
every year for my high school basketball team.
So, I had to play for my church because,
yeah the church cannot cut you,
they have to let you play,
which is nice.
That's a good, you know.
They would be, I guess they could cut you.
You'd be pretty bad if they're like,
look, we think you're good
but Jesus does not think you're that good?
Yeah.
(audience cheering)
He is our captain so.
(audience clapping)
And church ball was a lot different too
'cause we played, it was a half court,
no three point line.
We played on carpet,
that's your first sign it's not going to count.
And they didn't give us a basketball.
We didn't have a ball.
Like we would just stand out there and play on honesty.
So he'd be like, I just made it.
It was like oh that's a good shot, you're really good.
I stole it.
I forgive you for stealing it.
It was moral points.
It counts later.
(audience laughing)
There's no one who likes Walmart
but they're always open.
That's why they're great.
There was a fire at a Walmart
and they did not shut down.
They remained open, deer in the fire.
Like some people didn't even know there was a fire.
Other people thought they were just selling fire.
Like that's.
(audience laughing)
That's not that crazy of a thing.
I'm a Walmart guy.
I think I'm in the middle.
You know, I'm not Kmart
and I'm not Target.
You know I don't, I'm not old money.
I don't think I'm better than everybody.
(audience laughing)
I'm just right in the middle.
You ever go to Kmart?
Like Kmart doesn't even look open when you go in there.
(audience laughing)
You just walk in, you're like,
you guys about to close?
Are you getting looted or something?
(audience laughing)
They're like, no we're open.
Are you, are you gonna cut the lights on,
on that side of the store?
(audience laughing)
Maybe get some stuff, you know.
Kmart looks like when you go buy stuff
if you are about to open a new Kmart,
if you needed shelves for your Kmart, you'd go in there
and be like, this is, this is good.
I think we're gonna do it right here.
I've been married four years now.
And it's getting pretty serious to tell you the truth.
(audience laughing)
A lot more serious than I thought.
I always have,
like I got other buddies that are getting married now.
So they always like when they come talk to me.
So like I always tell 'em they're like, what's it like,
I'm like, here's what it is.
I'll just tell everybody.
Marriage is like, you ever go to a concert
and you see a mosh pit
and you're like, you know what?
I'm gonna go get in that mosh pit.
(audience laughing)
But then once you get in it you're like,
I do not wanna be in this mosh pit at all.
I am gonna leave and go get some beer,
then the mosh pit's like, "Didn't you drink last night?"
All right, mosh pit, why don't you get off my back?
And let me live my life.
(audience laughing)
Why?
(audience cheering)
My wife's good that she's put up through a ton with me.
Like she, I remember three months into our marriage.
One night I came home
and I was like really drunk.
I was hammered.
And I know she loves that.
So, I spoil her a little bit.
I'm like a pretty decent guy.
So, we go to bed
and alright, I'll be honest with you, I peed the bed.
(audience laughing)
Yeah.
I shouldn't have.
That's pretty good though, I kind of like blamed it on her.
Like I,
I remember I just woke up and I go, hey, what's wet.
All right?
Did you pour a perfect circle of water underneath me?
A flawless circle?
She was like, "No you peed the bed.
What is wrong with you?"
Did I marry you or did I have you?
I have no idea.
(audience laughing)
My job is like, you know, like you gotta protect
I guess the house, I guess.
I dunno if someone comes in, we have,
I don't have a gun to protect us.
I have a, I have a pocket knife.
That's what I have next to the bed.
Like that could do nothing.
I could hope to aggravate him at best, you know?
I gotta cut him and he would just rip my shirt
then he would kill both of us.
That's best case scenario with the pocket.
I don't know how to use this knife in the middle of the day
much less I'm gonna wake up out of a dead sleep
and have some kind of knife skill I've never had before.
So what we do is we sleep strategically in our bed
to like prepare for an attack.
You know?
Like I'm here, like she's here.
She's like closest to the door, but,
it's, you know she doesn't even know that's a strategy.
So.
(audience laughing)
It just.
So the plan is,
is like the guy's gonna come in, right?
And she's gonna lunge at him.
She'll lunge.
She'll probably be like, "Oh I felt like I got pushed away"
I'll be, well you don't know what lunging means.
(audience laughing)
She'll lunge.
She'll put up a good fight, all right.
At least a good enough fight
that I can be practicing with my knife on my side.
Just a little, you know, ready for him.
(upbeat music)