actually like the virgin mary that she
was stripping like she was dancing for
no quarter
i woke up from nashville i'll never do
heroin again but i'm lying i didn't new
york one time at a gay bar up in the
third floor ramrod
you gotta take a chance columbus did
right
welcome to this is not happening
presents one crazy night so this is what
we do
our bunch of comedians uh tell stories
about a similar subject
so this is just one crazy night ladies
and gentlemen my friend yours mr joey
diaz everybody
one more time ferrari to put this
together
we're all messed up you know what like
half the in here have been
all up all right
all right and something's always
us up for me it was 30 years of just
drugs
and no jk here we got down
all right so when he called me up and
he's like hey i want you to do the story
i did like i got high right i smoked a
joint right
and i made like a drug tombstone right
like like acid you know
79 to like 85 and then i did like
quaaludes you know
80 to 87 and you know thc crystal
once and then i did blow for a long time
towards the end in 2005 i was up
and i really wanted
i wanted to quit at the 25-year mark you
follow me
but i just i couldn't do it like once i
hit that centennial i had to do
something
but i had too much pride to go to a
rehab there was a rehab on hollywood
boulevard next to robec i went down
there for like a week under an alias
but then they started snooping around i
had to get the out of there right
in the old days you could push an alias
like a after 9 11.
it's tough out there for a bad people
so it they saw that jose what
you
it's anonymous what's with the
questions
i've done heroin before right like when
i was like 17 i
i stole this thing with didi quintero
this little crazy cuban kid
we stole like this thing where you put
dishes in it was brand new the people
left in front of people's houses
me and dude he picked it up and walked
five blocks gunther brown's house
if you ask me again i'll knock you down
right this guy he was like the
neighborhood loan shark
like if you stole something he'd buy it
from you so i go over there and i'm like
you know
i want to sell you this he's like you
drop it off and come back in two hours
he was like tony naomi
the guitar player from black sabbath and
he always answered the door with a robe
but his underwear showing
like the dude and boogie nights
he was he was
he was creepy but not really you know
i'm saying like you had to take a chance
with this all right
so he goes come back in two hours i go
in there we're rocking we're talking
right
he goes i got you sixty dollars i'm
saying he's like hang out man i wanna do
business and hang out with you you seem
like a cool dude
so i'm sitting there he's like you want
to do some heroin at the time i had done
everything right like
uh you know coke i had done like uh
tumenols i had done like
thc crystal aka gorilla biscuits aka
elephant tranquilizers
so i'm like it if you want at this
time i was a up kid you know i
had no direction
i said it i'll do the heroin right
and i did this gaggle of this white
chinese heroine i heard like
chinese music in the background
think they're gonna get in
i do this thing awesome it's like the
room starts spinning
and i gotta puke and i puke and i pass
out i think i'm dead
but i heard like no quarter by jimmy
page the live live from the garden
and that's how i knew i was alive
so i got up on my hands and knees and i
sat with the puke on my face
and jimmy was blasting i don't
think the five minute mark if you listen
to that uh
the song remains the same jimmy
page drops it like a
soldier especially when you're on heroin
you get the tingles up and down your
back right
and it was on i felt that heroin the
warmth from god like that's what it is
your balls are warm you want to come but
it don't matter you know what i'm saying
like you want to come but it it
wouldn't be good enough as the warmth
you're feeling in your body my ears
and i could see all these like i wasn't
hallucinating but it was so warm i was
feeling like
i seen every woman that i ever seen in
my life and made contact with
not sex i was too young for that like i
seen the lunch lady there mrs sabatino
i seen the lady who gave me birth do you
follow me you smacked me in the ass
i seen the nun who i tackled in
the fourth grade i seen all these
in this dream i seen my mother
then i seen like the virgin mary and
that's when i knew i was up
and she was stripping like she was
dancing to no quarter and that's
up right there right
and i had already made my confirmation i
was up right there i was
i was fractured as a catholic already at
that age right
so that was it when i woke up from
nashville i'll never do heroin again but
i'm lying
i just think in the halfway house in 94
right
in new york one time with a gay bar up
in the third floor ramrod that's what
you do when you're up there it you
got to take a chance columbus did right
not do heroin out of gay bar it
that's how you know and
you're over there dancing looking at the
gay dude
driving them bananas and
anyway
so it's 2005. i'm living in hollywood
and i'm doing a grandma blow a
night sometimes i was like a bad night
by 8 o'clock every night i'd be watching
tv and i get this pain in my
soul
and i get my bones would hurt i i
couldn't hear the tv like i wanted to
watch something on tv and i couldn't
and i get in my car and i take the atm i
lived on straight and i go all the way
to sunset and the hollywood
routes rock and roll raps there's an atm
right there
and i swear to my mother's grave
i wouldn't stop for a red light i didn't
give a
i didn't give a i parked right in
front of it put my hazard lights on
it like a doctor
without a handicapped sticker i don't
give a i'd take out 60 bucks and
right there i called a drug dealer i had
a couple of the armenian only came on
the weekends
the black guy was there every night and
the mexican was there like
four nights a week depending what shift
he was working
so i knew all their shifts and so i
would go buy a gram
go home do it in the garage go
upstairs make believe i was and
jerk off in the bathroom and look out
the window that was the extent
of my addiction at the time
then at two o'clock when it'd wear off i
called another drug dealer and so they
wouldn't know my addiction
right now was i gonna go to a
rehab no
so i'm talking to a buddy of mine one
day after 9 11 he moved back to new york
i go say you're living with your mother
he's like 40 something like oh so do you
still do heroin he's like you every
night
because i cop down in newark i cop seven
dollar bags of heroin
i go send me a couple now
you have to have a conversation with
somebody and then you're like you just
try to be cool you're like yeah count me
in
wrong dude right
about a week later i go to my mailbox
and it's like in crayola writing you
know
like joey coco he spelled coco wrong
with 2ks and
diaz right i'm like what the no
return address right i take it upstairs
i open it and there they are three
little bags of each
white that chinese that the
terrorists are bringing in like a
by the day load with a picture of obama
on it balls ass naked
smoking a joint and with a white
chick licking his nuts like a
doctor all right
so i'm like so i'm i'm doing the
blory night so there's monday night i go
it tonight's a different night
i'm doing like a little line of his h
and i usually what i would do i was
crazy my girlfriend's great she
don't get high so i would trick i go you
got to go to bed dog you got to get
eight hours
you're at that age you need every
don't worry about me i'm a
comedian this is what i do
you got to go to bed right now while all
this is going on
there was a cat population growing in my
backyard
and i had already adopted three of these
little right
and they had the problem was they had
two they had the mama who was a dirty
and then they had two big cats that were
slinging dick like you know
they had the siamese
this guy meant it never talked
to me nine years
never took a lobster nothing he was a
soldier just damn me down you
you ain't buying my love
all right
then there was a black and white one who
was a big cat and they were both
mama so she kept having kittens
and then they would kill the kittens so
she would stop ovulating and get back to
this is how serious
these cats were right now
how did i learn about this you know i
did some reading on the internet
when you're doing coke you stay up late
at night
and you do investigate you follow me
so she had the kittens and they were
beautiful there were three siamese
kittens
and there's one black and white dirty
right but the three side
mises was two girls and a boy dj
dj was the best little cat in the world
they lived outside and i stepped out my
backyard and i go dj
and he come running like a
superhero and the two little girls were
coming in that super bad
this little black and white would come
and like they would all hang out around
me
but super bad the black and white one
would take dj and take them up trees and
and take them off the territory would
take them on selma by the ymca
and i have to get soup back and when he
says i'm gonna kill you
right
and i caught myself even though i love
the cats i never put a hit on a cat
but in my mind i'm like i'm gonna
kill this little cat
rather seriously
and i love cats don't get me wrong but
you know those cats that just get on
your last nerve
you don't know how to do it but you love
animals too much so you know you're just
bullshitting yourself
so i'm like one day he's just gonna get
hit by a truck or something that
little i don't hang with him
no more dj
and i was just waiting to bring dj
upstairs and i had a chick that was
gonna take the two siameses
and then super bad i didn't know
what the hell was gonna happen it's
super bad right
so my addiction is getting worse and
worse and one night i get home
my wife is like the tyson's my
girlfriend she's crying
the cat's outside they're gonna
die i don't know what the what are you
talking about so we got the two girls we
brought him to the vet
and she adopted her mouth through petco
and then i go what are you gonna do with
super bad that mutt
and vijay my baby and she goes well i'm
gonna bring him up and i go leave super
bad outside
just leaving the outside that's how
much i hate it super bad
so i go out one night and my rule was
people this is how up in my
addicted mind my rule was never to do
coke in the house
it was bad luck
i would always do it in the car so by
the time i got upstairs i had a and
i'd run into the bathroom and hide
you're following me that was the
plan i had a plan
i was an organized cocaine type of
right
so this night something happened i had
to go to the bathroom at that time i ran
upstairs
when i got upstairs my wife goes in the
back of the two cats are in the bathroom
so i go in the bathroom and i i do the
coke and i'm looking at the boat
i'm like i don't even know why she
brought you up here and i go
back outside
and i do the coke and i probably got
some more i don't know a story
and
i went to bed and when i got up my wife
woke me up in the middle of night she
goes hey
i just want to tell you that dj
died and that was the siamese i was
gonna adopt right
and i when she said it guys i
knew it was the coke
i knew it and i just said do me
a favor close the door and i
cried a little bit and i put the pillow
i put my sleeve at me a mask on first
then i went to bed right and
yeah whatever sleep apnea whatever the
it is
right and then so i'm laying there
thinking i finished my crying i go you
know what that little cat died because i
brought the coke upstairs
even if i hate super bad that
is not going to die up here
because that's even more bad luck so i
went in there
i got my hands and knees like a catholic
soldier and i said god
if you save these cat that's
super bad why can't stand
i'll never do coke again i like wink
that i'm like right whatever
i said god don't let this
die and i promise you
and like the first day i had the is
you know but every day i would go in the
bathroom and he'd live
like by the fourth day i was ready to
shoot myself
i was ready just to shoot him and end it
i would go in there like die don't you
feel like dying yet
it's over you don't want to live it's
terrible things are tough
that was seven years ago and i haven't
done blow i'll tell you what i'll tell
you how close i am
with this filthy that i
love because if you go to my house and
you look at my cats
and you look at him you're like
he's like marilyn on the monsters you
follow him saying i got good looking
siameses and he's like black and white
he's got a little head and but he's
fearless i'll tell you how much that
dude knew i made a promise for him
because at night my other cats are cool
but they're not cool
but at night when i go into my bedroom i
take my slippers off i put my sleep
apnea mask on i put the fan on
and i lay down and i pick the blanket up
and i go super bad and wherever the
this is you're like boom
you hear him hit the door
and he jumps next to me and i put the
blanket over him and that's the end of
the night he's still there
stay black thank ari sofia one more time
putting this together
they're tonight
don't forget