>> Stephen: HELLO, FRIENDS!
WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
AND, FOLKS, I AM STILL RIDING A NATURAL HIGH OFF OF LAST NIGHT'S
INTERVIEW WITH BARACK OBAMA.
IT WAS SUBSTANTIVE, SILLY, AND SOMEBODY BROUGHT THE ROCK TO THE
RIM.
DOESN'T MATTER WHO HAD THE LIQUID GRACE OF A MID-'90s
JORDAN.
THE IMPORTANT THING-- AND THIS IS TRUE-- THAT WAS
20 MINUTES OF INTERVIEW.
WE TALKED FOR 100 MINUTES.
THERE IS 80 MINUTES OF INTERVIEW JUST AS GOOD AS THAT, 35 MINUTES
OF WHICH WE WILL BE SHOWING ON ON'RE ON MONDAY?
ON MONDAY, FOR OUR EXCLUSIVE SPECIAL:
THE OTHER 45 MINUTES WE'RE GOING TO HAVE ETCHED ONTO A GOLDEN
DISK, WHICH THEN WILL BE SHOT INTO SPACE SO FUTURE
CIVILIZATIONS WILL KNOW WHEN TELEVISION PEAKED OR PUT IT OUT
ON LIKE 45 TIKTOKS.
BUT THAT WAS LAST NIGHT.
AND, TODAY, THE PRESIDENT STILL REFUSES TO CONCEDE, THE
PRESIDENT-ELECT HAS BEGUN HIS TRANSITION, AND PEOPLE ARE BEING
ASKED TO CURTAIL THEIR THANKSGIVING PLANS BECAUSE THE
PANDEMIC CONTINUES TO RAGE.
SO I'M NOT GOING TO GET SHIEPY OBJECTS OUT THERE.
I'M GOING TO STAY FOCUSED ON THE STORY-- A WEIRD MONOLITH WAS
FOUND IN THE UTAH DESERT.
OOH, SHINY!
WHAT COULD IT MEAN?
IS IT ALIENS MAKING FIRST CONTACT?
IS IT A SITE-SPECIFIC ART INSTALLATION THAT EXAMINES THE
DYNAMIC TENSION BETWEEN MAN AND NATURE?
OR IS IT A REALLY POORLY INSTALLED STAINLESS STEEL
BACKSPLASH?
UTAH IS THE ULTIMATE OPEN-CONCEPT KITCHEN.
NOW, THERE'S A LOT OF SPECULATION ABOUT THIS MYSTERY
PLINTH, SO WE'RE GOING TO DIVE IN WITH OUR VERY FIRST
MONOLITH-THEMED MONOLOGUE, WHICH WE'RE CALLING
♪ ♪ ♪ >> THE MONO-LOGUE
>> Stephen: THAT IS ACTUALLY A LONGER INTRO THAN THE SPECIAL
WITH OBAMA ON MONDAY.
HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED: A CREW FROM THE UTAH DIVISION OF
WILDLIFE RESOURCES WAS SURVEYING THE AREA, COUNTING BIGHORN SHEEP
BY HELICOPTER.
INCREDIBLY DANGEROUS JOB: YOU HAVE TO FLY THE CHOPPER,
COUNT THE SHEEP, AND NOT FALL ASLEEP.
WE'VE LOST A LOT OF GOOD SHEEP COUNTERS THAT WAY.
THESE PEOPLE IN THE HELICOPTER, THEY NOTICED THE MONOLITH,
BECAUSE, ACCORDING TO ONE UTAH WILDLIFE SPOKESMAN, "WE FLY
PRETTY LOW FOR THESE SURVEYS SO WE CAN IDENTIFY THE GENDER OF
THE SHEEP."
HANG ON.
YEAH, OKAY, ALIEN MONOLITH, BUT...
YOU CAN TELL A SHEEP'S GENDER FROM A HELICOPTER?
NOW WE KNOW WHY THEY'RE CALLED "BIG HORN!"
( LAUGHTER )
THE CREW LANDED FOR A CLOSER INSPECTION.
HERE THEY ARE, DOING THIS FOR SOME REASON.
AND WE HAVE FOOTAGE OF MAN'S FIRST CONTACT WITH THE MONOLITH.
>> OKAY, THE INTREPID EXPLORERS GO DOWN TO INVESTIGATE THE ALIEN
LIFE FORM.
( LAUGHS )
>> THEY'VE CUT IT IN?
>> OKAY, WHO DOES THIS KIND OF STUFF?
( LAUGHS )
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: WOW.
THAT IS ONE LOW-KEY REACTION TO POTENTIALLY DISCOVERING ALIEN
LIFE.
"HUH, WHAT'S THAT?
A TRACTOR BEAM PULLING ME UP TO THE BELLY OF THE SHIP?
WHAT IS THAT A PROBE IN YOUR HAND?
HA, WHAT IS THAT, A TRACTOR BEAM WHO DOES THAT KIND OF STUFF?
GARY, ARE YOU SEEING THIS?
WHOOPS, MY BONES ARE LIQUID NOW."
TH THERE ARE NON-ALIEN THEORIES AS
TO HOW THIS MONOLITH GOT TO A REMOTE REGION OF UTAH'S DESERT
THAT'S CLOSED OFF TO THE GENERAL PUBLIC.
SOME THINK IT COULD'VE BEEN A ROGUE ARTIST OR A LEFTOVER MOVIE
PROP.
ACCORDING TO ONE DEPARTMENT OF PUBLIC SAFETY SPOKESMAN, THE
MONOLITH APPEARED TO BE MADE OF STAINLESS STEEL, PUT TOGETHER
"WITH HUMAN-MADE RIVETS."
OKAY, BUT RIDDLE ME THIS: WHAT HUMAN REFERS TO THEM AS
"HUMAN-MADE RIVETS?" WHAT'S THE NAME OF THAT
SPOKESMAN, "NICK STREET?" CLEARLY A PANICKED GALACTIC
TRAVELER MAKING HIS NAME UP ON THE SPOT!
( ALIEN VOICE )
STREET.
MY WIFE IS... HONDA...
MAILBOX.
SHE WEARS HUMAN-MADE SHOES."
WHAT MAKES THIS EVEN MORE MYSTERIOUS IS THAT AUTHORITIES
POINT OUT "THERE ARE ROADS CLOSE BY, BUT TO HAUL THE MATERIALS TO
CUT INTO THE ROCK AND HAUL THE METAL-- WHICH IS TALLER THAN 12
FEET IN SECTIONS-- TO DO ALL THAT IN THAT REMOTE SPOT IS
DEFINITELY INTERESTING."
"INTERESTING"?
IT'S MORE THAN INTERESTING!
THIS IS THE FIRST 15 MINUTES OF A SCI-FI MOVIE.
NEXT, WE'RE GOING TO MEET THE ATTRACTIVE YOUNG GEOLOGIST
PLAYED BY ZENDAYA, WHO GETS SENT OUT THERE TO STUDY THE MONOLITH
WITH CURMUDGEONLY PROFESSOR PAUL GIAMATTI AND A RUGGED, DISTANT,
YET KIND METALLURGIST PLAYED BY CHRIS PINE.
LOOK, I ALREADY-- I ALREADY HAVE HALF OF IT WRITTEN!
CALL ME, MONOLITH!
BY THE WAY, THE MONOLITH IS PLAYED BY VIN DIESEL.
IN POST-ELECTION ELECTION NEWS, REALITY KEEPS MOVING FORWARD.
WITH THE ARROW OF TIME.
YESTERDAY, OFFICIALS IN BOTH PENNSYLVANIA AND NEVADA
CERTIFIED THAT JOE BIDEN WON THEIR STATES.
EVEN THE WHITE HOUSE SEEMS TO BE RECEIVING THE MESSAGE, BECAUSE
THEY OFFICIALLY SIGNED OFF ON JOE BIDEN GETTING THE
PRESIDENT'S DAILY BRIEF.
WELL THAT'S GOING TO BE A NICE CHANGE OF PACE
FOR THE BRIEFERS TO GIVE A LIST OF NATIONAL SECURITY THREATS TO
A PRESIDENT WHO'S NOT ON IT.
BUT IT MIGHT BE TOUGH FOR BIDEN, BECAUSE THE PRESIDENT'S DAILY
BRIEFING IS OFTEN TAILORED TO THE PRESIDENT CURRENTLY IN
OFFICE.
WE ACTUALLY HAVE A COPY OF THE BRIEFING THAT WAS MADE FOR THE
CURRENT PRESIDENT: LET'S SEE THIS, JIM.
LET'S SEE, THIS ONE MEANS...
GREAT DANE-JER.
UN-REST IN EYE-RACK.
( LAUGHTER )
IT'S FOR-- IT'S FOR THE PRESIDENT.
YOU GOT TO PUT THE BOOBS IN, OR HE WON'T PAY ATTENTION.
BUT IT SEEMS LIKE THE PRESIDENT WANTS TO ENJOY ABUSING HIS
OFFICE RIGHT UP UNTIL THE BITTER END, BECAUSE THIS AFTERNOON, HE
TWEETED, "IT IS MY GREAT HONOR TO ANNOUNCE THAT GENERAL
MICHAEL T. FLYNN HAS BEEN GRANTED A FULL PARDON.
CONGRATULATIONS TO @GENFLYNN AND HIS WONDERFUL FAMILY.
I KNOW YOU WILL NOW HAVE A TRULY FANTASTIC THANKSGIVING!"
I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS, BUT I GUESS I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN.
KIND OF SUSPICIOUS ABOUT YESTERDAY'S TURKEY PARDON.
BUT THANKSGIVING IS A PERFECT DAY TO PARDON FLYNN.
AFTER ALL, IT'S ALL ABOUT TURKEY-- THE COUNTRY HE WAS
BEING PAID TO REPRESENT SECRETLY WHILE HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE
WORKING FOR AMERICA.
STILL, IT'S IN KEEPING WITH TRADITION WITH THE FIRST
THANKSGIVING, WHEN THE PILGRIMS AND NATIVE AMERICANS CAME
TOGETHER IN HARMONY TO ESTABLISH A SECRET BACK-CHANNEL WITH THE
RUSSIAN AMBASSADOR AND THEN LIE ABOUT IT TO THE F.B.I.
OR AS THEY CALLED IT, MAIZE.
THE PRESIDENT ISSUED THE PARDON DESPITE THE FACT THAT BACK IN
2017, HE TWEETED THIS: "I HAD TO FIRE GENERAL FLYNN
BECAUSE HE LIED TO THE VICE PRESIDENT AND THE F.B.I.
HE HAS PLED GUILTY TO THOSE LIES."
SURE, HE LIED TO THE F.B.I. AND PLEAD GUILTY TO IT, BUT CAN YOU
REALLY TRUST THAT CONFESSION?
THE GUY IS AN ADMITTED LIAR!
FLYNN HAD ILLEGAL CONVERSATIONS WITH THE RUSSIANS AND THEN LIED
TO THE F.B.I. ABOUT THEM.
TWO WRONGS MAY NOT MAKE A RIGHT, BUT THIS PRESIDENT IS DETERMINED
TO FIND OUT HOW MANY DO.
SO THE PRESIDENT IS CERTAINLY ACTING LIKE A GUY WHOSE DAYS ARE
NUMBERED, BUT HE HAS NOT CONCEDED.
I'LL CATCH YOU UP ON THE LATEST DETAILS OF THIS NEVER-CHANGING
STORY IN TONIGHT'S: >> GOBBLE, GOBBLE!
I SUSPECT FOWL PLAY!
GOBBLE, GOBBLE!
I'M PRESIDENT, AND THERE'S STUFFING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT!
GOBBLE, GOBBLE!" >> "THE ROAD FROM THE WHITE
HOUSE!" >> Stephen: TODAY, THE PRESIDENT
WAS SUPPOSED TO ATTEND THE LATEST FRAUD-FEST STARRING
ALLEGED ATTORNEY AND PAGAN PRIEST SUMMONING THE NORSE GOD
OF DENTISTRY, RUDY GIULIANI.
GIULIANI WAS HOLDING AN EVENT WITH PENNSYLVANIA REPUBLICAN
STATE SENATORS, BUT IT WASN'T AN OFFICIAL SENATE HEARING, BECAUSE
THEY WERE HOLDING IT AT A HOTEL, NOT AT THE STATE CAPITOL.
YEAH, IT'S NOT AN OFFICIAL EVENT.
IT WAS MORE OF A FRAUD-FAN CONVENTION.
THAT'S WHY THEY CALLED IT "ELECTION CON-CON."
THE PRESIDENT EXPRESSED STRONG INTEREST IN JOINING GIULIANI
FOR THE TRIP, HIS FIRST OUTSIDE OF THE WASHINGTON AREA SINCE
ELECTION DAY-- HIS FIRST, BUT NOT HIS LAST.
BUT THIS MORNING, AS EVERYONE WAS GETTING SET TO DEPART FOR
PENNSYLVANIA, THE WHITE HOUSE ANNOUNCED THAT THE TRIP HAD BEEN
CANCELED, POSSIBLY BECAUSE AT LEAST TWO PEOPLE CLOSE TO
GIULIANI HAVE CONTRACTED COVID-19.
NOW, NO ONE KNOWS EXACTLY HOW THE STAFFERS GOT THE VIRUS.
POSSIBLY THEY CAUGHT IT FROM SOMEONE IN THE PRESIDENT'S INNER
CIRCLE.
OR IT IS POSSIBLE THEY GOT IT BECAUSE IT WAS THE WILL OF THE
MONOLITH!
NOW, DESPITE THE POSITIVE TEST, GIULIANI WENT TO PENNSYLVANIA
ANYWAY, AND DURING THE "HEARING," THE PRESIDENT CALLED
JENNA ELLIS, ONE OF THE OTHER LAWYERS, AND SHE HELD HIM UP TO
THE MIC: >> I REALLY APPRECIATE BEING
ASKED TO SPEAK, AND I'M IN THE OVAL OFFICE RIGHT NOW, AND IT'S
VERY INTERESTING TO SEE WHAT'S GOING ON.
>> Stephen: I'M NOT SAYING THE PRESIDENT HAS GIVEN UP ON THE
IDEA OF OVERTURNING THE ELECTION, BUT I WILL POINT OUT
HE IS LITERALLY PHONING IT IN.
AS I SAID, THIS IS OUR COUNTRY'S FIRST COVID THANKSGIVING, AND
THE EXPERTS ARE URGING US TO MAKE IT OUR SAFEST THANKSGIVING
EVER BY NOT GATHERING OR TRAVELING.
OR AS ONE CALIFORNIA OFFICIAL PUT IT: JUST SAY "NO" TO FAMILY
THANKSGIVING.
"JUST SAY NO"?
I WOULDN'T USE THE ANTI-DRUG SLOGAN.
NOW KIDS ARE JUST GOING TO HAVE THANKSGIVING IN SECRET UNDER THE
BLEACHERS.
THEY'RE GOING TO BE HUFFING STUFFING!
YOU CAN TELL FROM THE CRANBERRY RING.
ONE HOME WHERE THEY SHOULD BE REALLY CAREFUL THIS HOLIDAY
SEASON IS THE WHITE HOUSE.
EVER SINCE ELECTION DAY, THE WHITE HOUSE HAS BEEN CIRCULATING
TWO THINGS: FAKE CASES OF VOTER FRAUD AND REAL CASES OF
CORONAVIRUS.
SO FAR, AT LEAST 45 PEOPLE CONNECTED TO THE WHITE HOUSE
HAVE CONTRACTED THE VIRUS.
RECENT CASES INCLUDE MARK MEADOWS, BEN CARSON, COREY
LEWANDOWSKI, AND DON JR., ALL OF WHOM TESTED POSITIVE AFTER
ATTENDING AN ELECTION-NIGHT WATCH PARTY IN THE WHITE HOUSE.
OBVIOUSLY, THEY ALL SHOULD HAVE WORN A MASK, AND KEPT A SIX-FOOT
DISTANCE BETWEEN THEIR LIPS AND THE PRESIDENT'S BUTT.
WELL, THE WHITE HOUSE HAS LEARNED THEIR LESSON FROM THE
ELECTION-NIGHT PARTY: HAVE A DIFFERENT KIND OF PARTY,
BECAUSE THE WHITE HOUSE IS PLANNING HOLIDAY PARTIES INDOORS
DESPITE THE PANDEMIC.
WELL, THEY HAVE TO HAVE THE PARTIES!
RUDY'S ALREADY MADE A BATCH OF DELICIOUS HOLIDAY HEAD-NOG!
BUT THEY ARE GOING TO TAKE PRECAUTIONS.
FOOD WILL BE "INDIVIDUALLY PLATED BY CHEFS AT
PLEXIGLASS-PROTECTED FOOD STATIONS," AND "ALL PASSED
BEVERAGES WILL BE COVERED."
SO, THE C.D.C. HAS FINALLY ACHIEVED SIZZLER SALAD BAR AND
SIPPY CUP TECHNOLOGY.
BUT NO MATTER HOW MANY PRECAUTIONS THEY TAKE, THERE'S
ALWAYS SOME RISK.
SO THE WHITE HOUSE WARNED INVITEES THAT "ATTENDING THE
PARTIES WILL BE A VERY PERSONAL CHOICE."
YES, IT IS AN IMPORTANT PERSONAL CHOICE, REMINDS ME OF THAT
ROBERT FROST POEM: "TWO ROADS DIVERGED IN A YELLOW WOOD, AND I
TOOK THE ONE WITHOUT COVID.
BECAUSE I'M NOT AN IDIOT."
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT!
OUR GUEST IS ROB CORDDRY.
BUT WHEN WE RETURN, I GET A VISIT FROM THE PRESIDENT'S
LAWYER.
STICK AROUND!