Remember to subscribe, for daily top reddit stories. Okay storytime... What’s the most
badass thing you’ve accidentally said in the heat of the moment?
Around the time I was 12, I was at a family party with my dad and aunts/uncles. My dad
told me that one of my uncles owned several bars. My response? "Oh, it's good that he
got into a business that he knows something about."I had no idea what I really was saying,
I thought I was giving him a compliment.
This one had a little setup, but I think it's funny enough to share.At a family vacation,
my grandmother was giving me grief for not remembering her birthday (I've never been
good with birthdays) after telling me it was the password to her iphone (she wanted me
to take a picture with it, which is why I needed the password.)
While she was distracted, I opened up the settings, changedher password to my birthdate,
and then set her phone down.Cue 15 minutes later, she's trying to get into her phone
and it's not working. Suspecting mischief, she grumpily asks me if I've changed the password
to her phone in front of our entire family. I admit that I did."Well what is it?" She
asked impatiently."It's my birthdate."She sat there in stunned silence for about 15
seconds not being able to remember my birthday before our family exploded laughing. Was a
good time.
We had a overly dramatic neighbor who always claimed she was sick and dying.My mom came
to see my kids in the middle of battling stage 4 lung cancer.The neighbor pulled her, “Hi
Rita, so glad to see you. Did Jason tell you that I am dying?”
My mom looked right at her, smiled and said “Me too, dear. But not today.”
Never more proud of her.
About 25 year ago, I was in grade 9 and my parents bought me a pair of Air Max.I’m
a female, but I had picked a pair of Air Max that were ‘supposed’ to be for males because
I preferred the color of the shoes. I was super pumped to get those shoes; we didn’t
have lots of money and it was a pretty extravagant purchase.Anyway, I was at our local shopping
centre and I ran into a group of guys I went to high school with. They were a real bunch
of arseholes that thrived on dumping on other people. One of the guys had on the same pair
of shoes and said to me “do you know you’re wearing men’s shoes?”
To which I quickly replied “then why the duck are you wearing them?”
The other guys pizzed themselves laughing and it still stands out in my mind after all
these years....
I was eating Mcdonald's with a few friends and I started choking.. the only thing I managed
to say in the whole ordeal was "I'm McChokin'"
This was back in my junior year of college. At the beginning of the semester I was introducing
myself to my very intimidating biochemistry professor (guy was a genius but also a hardass,
students were all terrified to ask him questions because he was known for grilling people and
if they hadn't made enough effort beforehand he'd send them out of his office to learn
on their own). As I walked into his office he was sorting through some boxes and made
a really sarcastic comment regarding stuffing me in the box and shipping it off somewhere.He
looked up for my response and I just blurted out without thinking "I wouldn't mind going
somewhere nice..." Dude laughed so hard it actually startled me a little. We got along
pretty well for the remainder of the semester, so it all worked out really well! It's amazing
what a little laughter can do to ease tension.
"There's no way you're this much of an asshole naturally, you must go home and practice."I
said this to a coworker who was throwing a fit and bullying a quieter coworker because
he was pizzed off. He had a habit of just being a giant douche anytime things didn't
go his way. This comment pizzed him off so much he just stormed into his office and stayed
there the rest of the day (win for the rest of us).
At work at a company meeting, someone was presenting something cool they volunteered
to work on and finished. They then explained things they thought they could do better in
a self deprecating way, and a bunch of other people started railing into his work with
petty criticism. It was definitely good work, though, and a thought just hit me so I blurted
it out:“Sometimes “done” is the best feature”
A bunch of people laughed and then the criticism stopped. People gave him kudos and we moved
on. Not really badass, but I was surprised this thought somehow came out fully formed,
like it was some phrase I’ve been saying for decades.I guess I was just realizing how
many people don’t finish anything they start. So “done” suddenly seemed like a pretty
damn good feature. Give the man some credit for finishing the damn thing!
At work, when in a somewhat heated discussion of why things kept going wrong at a small
company, upper management said something to the effect 'why does x y zee keep happening,
it's idiot proof' and I replied "we need to stop hiring new idiots to test if that's true"Edit:
so the replies seem split about 50/50 understanding what I meant. I'd like to address a couple
replies instead of individually. The context was "please stop trying tofind people to actually
test if it's idiot proof. Please hire someone who is not a bigger idiot than the previous
hire that was let go for being an idiot."First, I work in a very small company and all of
us are close enough outside of work that this wouldn't get me fired or reprimanded or anything
.Second, my point was that we should hire smarter people in instead of any Joe that
applied and then the procedure would be idiot proof. We just needed a slightly smarter idiot.Thirdly,
the Douglas Adams quote is what I had in mind when I said it, but I couldn't remember at
the time where I had heard it from. Thanks to those that reminded me.
I was the lawyer in this criminal case arising out the Standing Rock events. That morning,
some Lakota people had given us this traditional blessing to wish us well for the trial, and
there were five to seven activists sitting in the courtroom to watch and support us.It
happened that there was a certain digital document that I needed before the jury got
back from a break, and we didn't know just when the break would be over.I remember turning
to the supporters holding up a thumb drive, and telling them exactly what I needed from
the office across the street and how to get it.I held out the thumb drive, and with all
the intensity of an ancient general sending his troops into battle said, "Fastest runner.
Go now."This tiny little young woman grabbed the thumb drive and hauled ats . She got back
before the jury returned.
I don't know about badass, but I years ago I worked at a Hard Rock cafe, and we often
had pre shift server meetings outdoors on a patio, and my while boss was droning on
about us selling more overpriced plastic cups I was staring off at the spinning globe on
top of the building that says "save the planet" on it, I interrupted my boss by blurting out
"if Hard Rock is trying to save the planet, why do we waste so much paper?", which was
really directed at my managers, who had a hard on for printing out stupid memos. They
somehow didn't realize it was about them specifically, and passed the comment up the food chain,
which ended up resulting in the entire company changing their payroll system to paperless,
globally.As a reward I was given a pin shaped like a lightbulb that said "bright idea" on
it. Thanks I guess.
“Go wait with mommy- daddy might be going back to jail again”. Guy pushed my 5 year
old daughter at the fish store and SHE started crying. When he heard me say that he RAN out
of the store.I’ve never been to jail before...
I was crazy about this dude. He was intelligent, hot, funny, and a bit older. After a few weeks
of dating he said he wasn’t ready for a commitment. I told him to come pick up his
book from my place, and not to reach out again as it hurt too much. I was that in to him.
So he comes to my apartment, I go to hand him the book, and begin to shut the door.
He puts his foot in the way to stop it and says “I don’t know what to do. I’m not
ready, but I can’t stop thinking about you.” Moving my hand off the door, I hand him the
book anyways and said “Then pick me up at 7.”
Anyways now we’re married......
I worked at a book store and a customer asked me "How often do the periodicals come out?"
I deadpanned "Periodically." and he asked to speak to my manager. Worth it.
I was accused of being passive aggressive. I replied "Which part sounded passive? I don't
ever want to come across as passive."
I already posted here, but I just thought of another story.There was this one extremely
attractive girl in my COMM 101 class in college. One day, for a project where we interviewed
other students, I was partnered with her. We ended up not finishing our questions in
class, so I asked her if I could meet her somewhere to finish interviewing her. She
said yes.Fast-forward to the next day, I meet her after her dance group finishes rehearsal.
I knock through thelast few questions, and the final one which I ask is “What do you
perceive the future to hold?”
She replies “I don’t even know what I’m having for dinner tonight, I have no idea
what the future holds.”
So I say “Well, if you don’t know what you’re having for dinner, do you want to
have dinner with me?”
She laughed, said yes, and though we only hooked up that night, I still look back on
that day as one of the best dating stories I’ve had yet.
I had a surgery and when I woke up, the nurse was REALLY CUTE, so I started flirting with
her ( with no success)...I had a 2nd surgery and when I woke up, it was the same cute nurse,
my first words to her were:How many surgeries do I have to have before I get your phone
number????( we've been married 8 yrs now)
A long time ago I was walking down a side street in a medium sized town with my girlfriend.
A car was parked ahead, with the front of the car facing us as we approached. I could
see two kids, maybe in their late teens and instantly could tell they were likely going
say something as my girlfriend was rather attractive.As soon as we come up next to them
I hear “hey baby, ditch the zero and come hang with the hero”. I could feel my blood
boil but I kept my cool and calmly said “sorry buddy, I’m not gay...and don’t call my
girlfriend a zero”. The dude’s friend started laughing at him and my girlfriend
made a sarcastic crying face then we both started to laugh.
At a party a few years back, someone stole my friends purse. Her boyfriend found the
guys who took it and got it back for her, but he was still in an angry, drunken rage
and was continuing to escalate the situation when he was well outnumbered. My friend finds
me and says, “I’m afraid [boyfriend] is about to get into a fight, I need your help.
Stop him, please!”. I stand up, and I tell her, “I can’t promise you I can stop him
from fighting, but I can promise you I won’t let him lose.” Before walking off to find
him.Ultimately, no fight actually broke out, and I didn’t realize that I had basically
said a cheesy one liner until after the fact when my friend told me how intense that line
was. I didn’t mean for it to sound so dramatic, I just wanted to let her know I wouldn’t
let him get his ats kicked, I didn’t mean to make it sound like I was about to demolish
three guys by myself like I’m some sort of action hero.
The first day camping at a 2016 music festival, I headed off with a 4-gallon jug to get water.A
girl who was with our group, who I’d never met before, asked if I needed help. I responded,
“No—but I’d sure love some company.”
We’re getting married this fall.
In a class at university each student had to give a presentation about a scientific
paper and answer questions about it. We were told to ask the speaker questions, because
otherwise the professor would and his questions would obviously be harder. That professor
was really brutal in his critiques of the presentations (but also fair and accurate).
In any case i asked a question after every single presentation, but when my turn came
no student wanted to ask anything, so the professor asked me if i wanted to ask myself
a question. Without even thinking about it: "Say, how come your presentation was so extremely
excellent?"I was mentally preparing to be chewed out, instead the professor needed a
minute to stop laughing and then gave me the best grade possible :)
....
I worked at Target back in college in a stocking job where we had to be there at like 4-5am
to unload trucks. One morning I overslept a bit and walked to the unpacking line about
10 minutes late eating a breakfast bar. The boss stormed over and started loudly berating
me in front of everyone for being late. As he was going on, I was listening and taking
bites of the bar without much expression (mainly because I was so damn tired). It finally bothered
him that I was disrespectfully chewing during the yelling and he stopped mid-sentence, held
out his hand, and said, “Give me that damn thing!”. It just happened that I only had
one bite left so I took it, handed him the wrapper, and said “Thanks” with a mouth
full of food. He paused and started laughing at the ridiculous response to his itching.
We were buddies after that.
I’m late to the party, but oh well.I work in waste management. I’m also a rather small
person (like, “they don’t make clothes at Old Navy in my size” small).I was wheeling
a stack of drums out to our loading dock, navigating pretty much purely on instinct
since I couldn’t see over or around them. Lo and behold, there’s someone there chatting
with the shipping people. I run straight into him.I’m surrounded by everyone in shipping,
some fairly big dudes, and I feel amazingly embarrassed. I leaned around the drumsto look
at the guy I hit, and without even thinking, said, “the duck you want me to do, see through
‘em?”
Everyone burst out laughing and the guy even opened the door to the dock for me.Every time
I see him now he pretends to duck....
Got to work one morning, my chosen football team had thrashed my bosses chosen team, i
gave him a load of sheet for it (humorously of course, my boss is great). He gave me some
sheet back, and told me to do a stock take on all items we have beginning with the letter
C. I pointed at him and said, 1. Luckily, he took it the correct way and laughed a lot.
A coworker was struggling with a frustrating piece of equipment, and I asked her why she
didn't just do (insert easy fix) instead.She growled, "I don't know. I just really love
making things harder.""Then why are you a lez?!"(Side note. Yes, she's a lez, and she
almost fell on the floor she was laughing so hard. She repeated the joke to everyone
else the rest of the day.)
Edit: First of all, thank you for all the upvotes, and thank you for the gold, kind
stranger. I'm glad I got to share one of my best one-liners I ever said. I also want to
say that of course I knew my audience and knew she wouldn't get offended or try to get
me fired. I didn't mean it as anything other than a funny joke.
I actually said nothing. I was on my motorcycle in traffic, on a wet overpass with short jersey
walls. Guy behind me was driving a bit too fast and slammed on his brakes sliding into
me, but no damage as he was going slow enough to touch and push me about 5 feet before finally
coming to a stop. The angle had me going straight forward so I did not fall.Had it been much
faster I would have been thrown over the edge to my death. So obviously I was... not happy.I
turned off the engine, got off the bike and slowly walked over to the driver that hit
me. Its only a few feet and when he saw me coming to him, he furiouslystarted raising
his manual window. So I could just see him struggling to pump the winder. When I got
there I just knocked on his window. Pointed at him, and turned around and walked away.He
looked terrified.I didn't think about it until later, a guy you just hit in a car wearing
a black helmet, with shaded visor, black heavy thick jacket, black heavy riding pants (roadcrafter
jacket and pants), black thick and metal studded gloves, and black leather boots knocks on
your window and points at you for being a supreme dumbass...I had no idea, I just wanted
to talk to him. Be a bit angry but tell him I was ok then take a sec to verify my bike
was ok as well...
In a discussion with my parents in which they were clearly wrong and missing the point.
They began yelling because they really hadn't arguments, and started talking about the respect
I owe them as their son, saying that I was disrespectful for contradicting their position.
I just answered something like "from where would I learn respect if I haven't seen you
guys respecting me or anyone", and they went completely silent.
Long story short: my friend would share my ”sixcapades” with other people (which
I would rather he didn't).Got fed up and ended up blurting out ”Just because you don't
have your own stories to share doesn't mean you have to share mine”
Me and my girlfriend at the time were having a discussion about her going back to school.
She kept putting it off every semester, and one day she got angry at me trying to get
her to actually go back, not just talk about it, and she yelled “Rome wasn’t built
in a day!” And I responded, “yeah, but it was built.” And a decade later I still
think of that.Edit: She did end up going back to school. Got her masters even. She’s married
now with twins. Just a real asshole.
At university, we have to present our senior projects in front of the whole department.
Stage fright sucks and everyone else had a more interesting project, in my opinion.The
badass moment was that my name was misprinted on the schedule and I got welcomed to the
stage under the wrong name. The first thing I did was point to my real name on my presentation
and say "that's how my real name is spelt. It's just pronounced weird."A bunch of people
laughed and I got commended by a few people for adding humor to the driest three hours
of the year.
“Respect should be earned, not given.” To some old lady at an extended family gathering.
She was saying some mean stuff about the homeless where she lived and I told her how inconsiderate
she was. Then she told me to respect her and not rebut her.
I was the nerdy, 5-foot-tall shy girl, and constantly got paired with struggling/misbehaving
kids to "help them".On this occasion, it was two popular guys in english class. One was
your typical, 2000s era comic book jock, the other was a class clown who just didn't know
when to stop. Together, they unanimously agreed to do sheet all, making fun of our classmates,
while I made the world's ugliest word cloud. (I failed art class you all, so that's no
joke.)
I guess I had an epiphany, because for the first time in my 15 years of life, I decided,
duck this sheet, and went to tell the teacher they're being lazy big nickheads andI'd rather
just do it solo. It took a hot minute before jokester realized I'd even left, and when
he pointed it out, the jock stood up looking ready to Hulk out of his lowriders.And the
Jock said
"What are you tattling on us for? It's not like we've done anything".And I replied
"Yeah, that's kind of the point".And just walked out of the dead silent class... because
I was so used to being bullied I fully expected him to yeet a chair at me. But apparently
I just looked like a badass, which is accidental street cred my nerdy ats was 100% eager to
roll with.
"duck me, I'm going to be late" after waking up from a concussion that left blood still
dripping down my head an hour after, in which period I went and proceeded to sit a history
final exam.
As someone with a suicidal history and multiple attempts. I was a bouncer at the time and
my response to "I'll ducking hill you" was "you can't hill me, I can't even hill me,
trust me I've tried".
I'll never forget the moment a family walked into the local pub I was working at while
I was working. This big king-of-the-grill bald alpha patriarch Dad type and his wife
and kids came through, I said "welcome, where would you like to sit?" And he snapped back
"well a table would be nice", and without missing a beat at all I replied "actually
we usually sit on the chairs here", I'll never forget the satisfaction of that moment or
the look on his face haha.
My dad has the absolute worst habit of ‘speaking his mind’ uses it as a huge excuse for just
being a hunt really, he knows his kids have been sixually assaulted/raped but never ever
would stoop so low as to take the pizz out of us for it or blame us or anything so I
guess he’s got that going for him, but doesn’t excuse him for comments he makes about other
people.There was a news report about a woman who got raped and go into a discussion about
how wearing types of clothes can be asking for it so in that moment I come out with ‘ so
me wearing my night gown ready for bed when I was 5 years old was asking for it’. He
soon shut up
One time I popped the blood vessels in my eye and had blood dripping down my face and
some kid says “hey man you’re bleeding” to which I responded “sheet, coulda fooled
me”. Then I ducked it up by touching my face and seeing the blood and immediately
going ah sheet guess you were rightI was the nerdy, 5-foot-tall shy girl, and constantly
got paired with struggling/misbehaving kids to "help them".On this occasion, it was two
popular guys in english class. One was your typical, 2000s era comic book jock, the other
was a class clown who just didn't know when to stop. Together, they unanimously agreed
to do sheet all, making fun of our classmates, while I made the world's ugliest word cloud.
(I failed art class you all, so that's no joke.)
I guess I had an epiphany, because for the first time in my 15 years of life, I decided,
duck this sheet, and went to tell the teacher they're being lazy big nickheads and