♪♪♪ >>> IT'S "WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH
COLIN JOST, AND MICHAEL CHE. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> THANK YOU VERY MUCH. GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE.
>> WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE" I'M MICHAEL CHE.
>> I'M COLIN JOST. >> WELL, THE GOOD NEWS FOR
PRESIDENT TRUMP IS THAT HIS TAX PLAN JUST PASSED THE SENATE.
THE BAD NEWS IS HE MIGHT NOT BE PRESIDENT LONG ENOUGH TO SIGN
IT. >> FORMER NATIONAL SECURITY
ADVISER MICHAEL FLYNN PLED GUILTY TO CHARGES THAT HE LIED
TO THE FBI DURING THEIR INVESTIGATION OF TRUMP'S TIES TO
RUSSIA. OR AS FOX NEWS REPORTED IT, DID
HILLARY CLINTON SECRETLY JOIN ISIS?
YOU KNOW, THESE DAYS I HAVE TO SAY IT'S JUST REFRESHING TO SEE
A POWERFUL MAN PLEAD GUILTY FOR SOMETHING THAT ISN'T SEXUAL
HARASSMENT. WHEN I HEARD FLYNN WAS IN
TROUBLE I WAS LIKE, WAIT, HE ONLY LIED TO THE FBI?
HE DIDN'T ALSO WHIP IT OUT DURING A MEETING?
WHAT A SOLID GUY. >> PRESIDENT TRUMP KNEW WE HAD A
SHOW TONIGHT SO HE WAS KIND ENOUGH TO GO ON TWITTER AND DO
HALF OF OUR JOB FOR US. HE SAID, "I
HAD TO FIRE GENERAL FLYNN BECAUSE HE LIED TO THE VICE
PRESIDENT AND THE FBI." OH, THANKS MAN, I GOT IT FROM
HERE. SO YOU KNEW FLYNN LIED AND THEN
ASKED COMEY TO STOP HIS INVESTIGATION?
THAT'S OBSTRUCTION. WHO'S YOUR LAWYER?
OH, RIGHT, THE OATMEAL GUY. YOU KNOW, THE SAD THING IS AS
BAD AS THIS LOOKS, THIS IS STILL DONALD TRUMP WE'RE TALKING
ABOUT. AND I'VE HEARD PEOPLE SAY, "OH,
THERE'S NO WAY TRUMP WALKS FROM THIS ONE" AT LEAST 38 TIMES
ALREADY. BUT THAT SLIPPERY BASTARD IS
SOMEHOW STILL THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.
WHAT ELSE DOES THE FBI NEED? THEY HAVE LIKE A 95% CONVICTION
RATE, A HIGH-RANKING SNITCH, AND A VOLUNTEERED CONFESSION ON
TWITTER. SO IF DONALD TRUMP ISN'T IN
PRISON BRAIDING SOME BLACK DUDE'S HAIR, THEN DAMN IT, I
WANT THE OATMEAL GUY AS MY LAWYER, TOO.
[ APPLAUSE ] >> AFTER NEWS OF FLYNN'S PLEA
BROKE, FORMER FBI JAMES COMEY TWEETED A BIBLICAL VERSE SAYING,
"BUT LET JUSTICE ROLL DOWN LIKE WATERS AND RIGHTEOUSNESS LIKE AN
EVER-FLOWING STREAM." IT'S A POWERFUL REMINDER THAT,
NO MATTER WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT JAMES COMEY, WE CAN ALL AGREE
HE'S A HUMONGOUS DORK. ALSO HIS USE OF THE PHRASE
"EVER-FLOWING STREAM" MAKES ME THINK HE HAS SEEN THE RUSSIAN
PY PEE TAPE. >> THE SENATE VOTED TO PASS THE
$1.5 TRILLION TAX REFORM BILL AT 2:00 THIS MORNING THAT EXPERTS
SAY WOULD ADD OVER $1 TRILLION TO THE NATIONAL DEBT.
WOW, I KNEW TRUMP WAS GOING TO RUN THE COUNTRY LIKE A BUSINESS,
I JUST DIDN'T KNOW HE WAS GOING TO RUN IT LIKE ONE OF HIS
BUSINESSES. IT'S ALSO ESTIMATED THAT THE
PLAN WILL GIVE HUGE TAX CUTS TO HOUSEHOLDS MAKING OVER $1
MILLION A YEAR. OF COURSE, ALL OF THAT MONEY
WILL EVENTUALLY TRICKLE DOWN, FIRST FROM RICH PARENTS TO THEIR
KIDS, AND THEN FROM THOSE KIDS TO THEIR MOLLY DEALERS AT
COACHELLA. >> ONCE THE REPUBLICANS GET
THIS TAX BILL PASSED THEY WON'T NEED HIM ANYMORE.
THEY'VE GOTTEN WHAT THEY WANTED. IT'S NOT LIKE THEY LIKE YOU.
YOU DON'T THINK IT'S A LITTLE WEIRD THAT THEY PASSED THIS BILL
AT 2:00 A.M. WITHOUT EVEN READING IT THE SAME NIGHT THEY
FOUND OUT FLYNN WAS ROLLING ON THEM?
I MEAN, IT'S LIKE YOUR FAMILY WOKE YOU UP AT 2:00 A.M. SAYING,
"WE NEED YOU TO SIGN THIS WILL TONIGHT."
"CAN I READ IT FIRST?" "NO TIME."
>> PRESIDENT TRUMP ALSO HINTED IN A TWEET THIS WEEK THAT MSNBC
ANCHOR JOE SCARBROUGH SHOULD BE INVESTIGATED FOR AN UNSOLVED
MURDER. CAN WE JUST TAKE A SECOND TO
APPRECIATE THAT THAT STORY BARELY EVEN REGISTERED AS NEWS?
AT ANY OTHER TIME IN HISTORY, THE PRESIDENT "PRESIDENT OPENLY
ACCUSES MAN OF MURDER" WOULD PROBABLY MAKE THE FRONT PAGE.
NOW IT'S JUST PART OF THE WHACKY NEWS CORNER RIGHT NEXT TO "LOCAL
SQUIRREL LEARNS KARATE" AND NORTH KOREA CAN NOW NUKE ALL OF
U.S. >> YOUTUBE HAS REMOVED MORE THAN
150,000 VIDEOS DUE TO DISTURBING CONTENT INVOLVING CHILDREN.
BUT IF YOU STILL WANT TO WATCH DISTURBING CONTENT INVOLVING
CHILDREN THERE IS ALWAYS THE ALABAMA SENATE RACE.
OH, YEAH. >> TRUMP CRITICIZED ROY MOORE'S
DEMOCRATIC OPPONENT DOUG JONES AS A "CHUCK SCHUMER PUPPET."
BUT CLEARLY HE'S NOT A CHUCK SCHUMER PUPPET.
STATLER FROM THE MUPPETS -- THAT'S A CHUCK SCHUMER PUPPET.
>> THE BRITISH PARLIAMENT ERUPTED IN ANGER AFTER PRESIDENT
TRUMP RETWEETED ANTI-MUSLIM VIDEOS FROM A BRITISH HATE
GROUP. HERE TO RESPOND IS BRITISH PRIME
MINISTER, THERESA MAY. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> HELLO, COLIN. IT'S LOVELY TO BE HERE.
THE UNITED KINGDOM SENDS ITS APPRECIATION FOR THE SPECIAL
FRIENDSHIP THAT WE SHARE. >> REALLY?
BECAUSE THINGS SEEM TO BE A LITTLE TENSE RIGHT NOW BETWEEN
YOU AND PRESIDENT TRUMP. >> UH-HUH, BUT YOU KNOW THE
BRITS, STIFF UPPER LIP. WHEN WE ARE DEALING WITH TRUMP,
IT'S MORE AKIN TO STIFF UPPER LIP, LOWER LIP, STIFF ARMS,
LEGS, AND YOU ARE PRETTY MUCH PLAYING DEAD.
BUT THE BRITISH PEOPLE KNOW I CAN GIVE IT AS GOOD AS I GET IT.
I'M NOT AFRAID OF A LITTLE SOCIAL MEDIA FIST TO CUFFS.
>> YEAH, YOU AND PRESIDENT TRUMP, I SAW, REALLY GOT INTO IT
ON TWITTER. >> YES, AND I'VE NEVER FELT MORE
ALIVE. I SAW THOSE DREADFUL MUSLIM
RETWEETS AND I PUT THAT MAN ON BLAST.
LISTEN TO THIS EPIC TAKEDOWN. [ CLEARS THROAT ]
"IT IS WRONG FOR THE PRESIDENT TO HAVE DONE THIS."
[ LAUGHTER ] SAVAGE.
FLAME EMOJI. I'M PRACTICALLY A TROLL NOW.
>> RIGHT. YEAH, AND THEN TRUMP RESPONDED
TO YOUR STATEMENT WITH A TWEET TELLING YOU TO BACK OFF.
>> YES, BUT THE BITCH TAGGED THE WRONG THERESA MAY.
THAT'S INTERNET 101, BABY. IT'S THRILLING TO ENGAGE IN A
FLAME WAR, TO DUNK ON THE THIRSTY BITCH.
OH, IT'S ELECTRIC. I'M HARD.
I'M ACTUALLY HARD. >> WOW, I GOTTA SAY, YOU SOUND
LIKE A WHOLE NEW THERESA MAY. >> MM-HMM, YES, I'M ON A ROLL
NOW. WHO ELSE WANTS TO GO A FEW
ROUNDS WITH THERESA MAYWEATHER? KIM JONG-UN?
TAKE THIS TWEET. MR. KIM JONG-UN, GOOD SIR, DO
GROW UP. #PLEASE."
>> PRETTY GOOD. >> TALK ABOUT GETTING OWNED.
AND VLADIMIR PUTIN. JUST THIS.
THE SIDE EYE EMOJI. HE KNOWS WHAT IT MEANS.
IT'S CALLED SHADE, COLIN. HE WILL BE FREAKING, I ASSURE
YOU. AND THEN I'LL FOLLOW IT UP WITH
A VERY THREATENING EGG PLANT. >> PRIME MINISTER, DO YOU KNOW
WHAT THAT MEANS? >> YES.
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES. YOU HEAR THAT?
HOW YOU LIKE US NOW? BRITAIN IS BACK, BABY.
THERESA MAY BE STRONG, AND BELOVED BY ALL.
I'M GOING FULL TRUMP. AND EVEN MY OWN PEOPLE AREN'T
SAFE. LOOK AT THIS THREAD I WROTE ON
PRINCE HARRY. "CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR
UPCOMING NUPTIALS. BUT CHECK IT -- SHE OUT YOUR
LEAGUE. YOU LOOK LIKE ED SHEERAN, MINUS
THE ABILITIES. NEVERTHELESS, WOULD BANG."
>> THERESA MAY, EVERYONE.