- [Man] Cheating wives and crazy girlfriends.
- [Man] I met my wife 10 years ago.
We both were in college,
dated for three years and married for seven.
She is beautiful and an amazing person
and everyone in my family loves her.
Four months ago,
I found out my wife was having an affair
with a mutual friend of ours.
It was a one and a half month affair.
She was acting very shady at that time.
She would ignore my messages,
turning me down every time I try to initiate sex.
I thought something was wrong.
I did some snooping, but found nothing.
Eventually I hired a private investigator.
Within one week, I got proof.
She was having an affair with our mutual friend.
I immediately confronted her.
She confessed having affair.
Immediately she started crying, begging.
Basically all classic cheater moves when they are caught.
I asked her for all details, with detailed timeline,
at night gave me everything.
Basically she was using another phone for having the affair.
She told me she had sex with him only four times
and rest of the time,
they were just hanging out and having fun.
Three days later,
more crying and talking crap about herself.
She told me that she had deleted all contacts with him
and do whatever it takes to make our marriage work.
She suggested marriage counseling.
I denied, told her to leave me alone.
I was hurt, betrayed, humiliated.
She moved out to her parents.
She started texting me every hour how much she loves me
and how she regrets this
and we'll do anything to save our marriage.
After completely ignoring her for two days,
I texted her that we are getting divorced.
She freaked out and started having an emotional breakdown.
My phone started blowing up with her parents,
sister, friends, telling me not to in the marriage
and at least give her a chance.
Later that day,
she made a long post on Facebook
explaining how she messed up
and how she destroyed her marriage.
Basically admitting her affair publicly.
But I was rock solid on my decision.
She even insisted to have a lie detector test
to clear my doubts that she never cheated in the past.
Blah-blah-blah.
I asked her for some time alone to process all this.
We have been living separate since.
This was all four months ago.
Last week I asked her for divorce and she started crying,
begging for another chance.
After that she visited my parents
and asked them to convince me not to divorce.
Last night, my parents and her parents tried to convince me
to work things out.
And after she made her Facebook post,
almost all of our mutual friends were telling me
how she was brave to admit her affair and that she loves me
and I should at least give her a chance.
I'm on an edge of having a breakdown.
She is truly remorseful and regrets this,
I can assure you this.
I do love her and her cheating on me hurts the most.
I don't know what to do.
Anyone who has reconciled, how are things going on?
- [Man] Also, she didn't admit to the affair,
her ass got caught.
And she's trying to make herself look better
by manipulating the story.
It sucks to be cheated on,
but if both parties don't want to work
to try and move past it,
the cheater needs to own up to their mistakes
and let the other person move on.
Being cheated on just breaks a huge level of trust
that you can't just magically get back with an apology.
Exactly this, she decided to get her fun somewhere else
instead to work on the marriage and is now regretting it.
You caught her and to cover her own butt,
she made a Facebook post to get sympathy with her friends
and even talk to your parents.
I'm sorry to say, Op,
but I find this behavior highly manipulative.
And for those who think she was brave to admit to the affair
and deserves a second chance,
tell them exactly what you think of it
and ask them to remove the dagger from your back
and give it to their own so that in the near future,
they themselves know how it might feel
to be betrayed by the one you trust.
Trust is easily broken, hard to gain,
and even harder to regain.
And sometime impossible if someone you trust had broken it.
Completely agree, I feel that Op's trust in his partner
is completely shattered.
And I predict if he were to take her back
without fully forgiving her due to social pressure,
she will be back to cheating
since their relationship will never be like it was
from the start.
Even otherwise, Op won't be able to love the person fully.
And it just won't feel like a relationship
as a wife and husband.
He deserves to find his own love now.
If she were truly remorseful,
she would have told them the first time she did it.
She is only upset because she got caught.
Honestly, in my opinion, I don't get why people cheat.
And, just try to put in some effort into the relationship
and at least give it a few tries
before you just dropped the ball
and then say that the relationship doesn't work.
It was an extremely calculated move, I'm sure.
She is probably aware that at some point,
everyone is going to find out about the affair anyway.
So by coming clean,
she can claim that she is taking responsibility
for the damage he has done,
thereby clearing the way for everyone
to come out of the woodwork and say, see, she's remorseful.
Otherwise, she would never embarrass herself
on Facebook like that.
You should give her another chance.
Is it worth throwing your marriage away?
Publicly outing yourself
allows you to control the narrative.
It's not about her infidelity anymore,
now it's about how he refuses to try to save the marriage.
I get what you're saying,
but it's like people on Reddit
don't think she should even make an attempt
to keep the marriage.
It's easier on Op to just distance from her
and let him decide without her influence.
But it's also not a healthy way
to deal with issues in a marriage
and not how we would expect someone
to deal with a lesser problem.
- [Woman] Not original commenter, but I wanted to add,
obviously, making an attempt to keep the marriage
is what she should be doing if it's what she wants,
but I've always viewed it as quite manipulative
when the person who wronged you
starts reaching out to the closest people to you
in an attempt to change your mind.
I have never cheated on anyone,
but I have once drunkenly slept with someone else
while my ex boyfriend and I were on a break
to figure things out.
Never works by the way, but I did feel like a cheater
after the fact.
I did feel incredibly an unbelievably remorseful.
I told him the very next day
and let him know it's solidified for me
that I wanted to be with him and no one else.
Might not have been true for me then,
and it might not even be true for Op's wife,
but our brain automatically registers
the pain we get from guilt and remorse as love.
And then we think that by default,
this means we love the person for sure.
I slept with another guy because there were issues
in my relationship that I was too scared to face.
Us having overcome what we both felt was a betrayal
on my part, made us feel very strong
and like we can get through a lot.
But, the happy we're back on track phase fades out
and you're stuck again with the same problems
that led to the infidelity in the first place.
There's a reason she cheated
and it might be because she's shitty in general,
or it might be because there's issues there.
The fact that it wasn't a one off and she never came clean,
he had to get a private investigator to find out
probably means she didn't feel all that bad about it.
That's no bueno.
She also had a separate phone to avoid him ever finding out.
Also not very bueno.
Signs are pointing to her not having wanted him to find out
and now that he has, she seems to be trying
to spin the narrative in her favor where she's the victim.
I wouldn't dream of wanting my partner to be guilt-tripped
into taking me back when I had the audacity
to have an affair with a mutual friend
for a month and a half.
Laughing my ass off.
She might not even be a shitty person
and there might not even be issues in their relationship,
but she could very well have self love issues
and therefore seeks validation in whatever way possible.
But this means she couldn't communicate to her partner
how he can help validate her
while she works on developing that self-love.
Just looks like a train wreck to me from here.
I think the best thing for her to do
is to have made it clear at the start that she's remorseful
and would love to try and properly work on things
and then give him the space to feel the things
he needs to feel right now.
He doesn't need others trying to change his mind
or confuse him even further.
He must be going through a hell of a time.
- [Man] Why is it always okay for a woman
to go have sex everywhere when we are on a break,
yet, if a guy does it,
it's one of the worst betrayals ever?
Quote, "Not how we would expect someone
to deal with a lesser problem."
Almost like it's not a damn lesser problem.
This isn't her leaving the dishes in the sink
or watching all of their Hulu shows without him.
This is her betraying him in the relationship
then using their social group to pressure him
into staying with her.
No shit he's going to react differently.
And it's perfectly healthy to want distance
from his cheating spouse so he can actually think about
whether or not he wants to continue the relationship
without having to listen to her trying to guilt him.
- [Woman] Agreed, stand your ground, Op.
She has already made a choice
when she chose to cheat on you.
And she is being very manipulative with that Facebook post
and even dragging your parents into pushing for her case.
She's not being remorseful at all.
If she is, she would accept your decision
and the consequences of her actions.