(island music)
Hi, my name's Scott Hellum.
I am a carpenter, I build houses.
I have been married for 24 years to Rachel
and I have three children.
So the men's circle that I go to
runs in a way that has a safe environment
that men can express
anger,
grief,
sadness
without being judged.
I go to men's circles,
primarily to
help myself.
I'm very good at helping others,
fighting for others,
doing stuff for others.
I guess I struggle to do things for myself,
look after myself.
Primarily going to a men's group
to look after myself
emotionally.
My name is Rob
and I'm a site supervisor
for Titan Trailers.
I'm able to take a look at
why I'm doing certain things
and it's a place where I can just get
really honest with myself
and just take a look at
what I'm doing in the world.
(island music)
Hi, my name is Travis.
I'm 50 years old,
a dad
of two adult children,
married for 27 years.
I own a business that has about 40 staff
and I'm involved in
charity work.
I'm chairman of Big Buddy Charity,
which is for boys who don't have dads.
I've always been drawn to what I would call
male community.
I love the superficial banter
that men can have,
but I
enjoy
and value
depth of relationship.
I attend men's circles because
I have a passion to be real.
♪ I am a warrior ♪
There's a culture in
men,
that
it's not okay to speak about your emotions.
And because of that,
they will tend to shut away
and pretend that they've got things under control.
The bad side of that is that they
did not always have the opportunity
have everything under control
and usually sometimes they slip it under the carpet.
There's probably a lot of men out there
that think that this a whole bunch of wuss and woo woo,
but what I'd say to them is,
"Have you tried it?"
Being the tough guy,
I think it works in certain situations, but
we're not at war with anyone
so there's really no need to be
in fighting mode all the time.
So why would I want to walk around
with that energy in my body all the time?
I think we've learned to be, as men,
we've learned to be
reserved
and to,
in a way, protect our manhood.
Real manhood doesn't need to be protected.
It just needs to be declared.
Life has only got as much meaning and purpose
as you give it.
And it's my job, it's my responsibility
to give my life meaning and purpose.
Being in a wheelchair doesn't actually remove
either the responsibility for
finding the meaning or purpose
or the opportunity for finding meaning or purpose.
I'm a father, a husband,
and I've learnt that
what I know and what I'm aware of about myself
profoundly affects the way that I behave and act and
the way I influence those that are closest to me
that I love the most.
And it's a commitment
that I make to
being the best influence and the best man that I can be.
There's strength and power in emotion
and there's strength and power in discovering
who you are on the inside.
♪ Sometimes the wrapping is ♪
Don't be afraid of that.
There's currently a lot of discussion
about toxic masculinity,
and that's why the men's group is so important
is because we have to examine the concept masculinity.
Not to say that...
All of it is toxic.
There's certain
dark sides of it that we don't accept the behaviour of.
We correct the behaviour, not the person.
We're not saying that the person is bad,
but the behaviour is bad.
It's not acceptable.
♪ Don't be all that surprised ♪
♪ If all you see ♪
The things that happened to me
as a young person and growing up through life were normal.
My normal isn't the same as another man's normal,
in that
something that happened to me
that caused me to create a belief
of which I constructed
judgements, emotions,
and packaged it all together
so that I could keep myself safe
have been keeping me safe.
But I've discovered that
those things that I needed to keep safe from long ago
no longer serve me.
And so moving forward,
there's an undoing that needs to be done.
The challenges that I've had in my life
have been things like depression,
anxiety.
These spaces where men gather,
it's like a rite of passage.
There's a chance for other men to see me
and me see other men
and express my vulnerability.
Yes,
I don't really
divide people.
I love being with all people.
I think it's absolutely essential to love everybody.
If you don't love everybody,
you don't love anybody.
♪ And often comes the balance again ♪
♪ Who am I ♪
An extended family or community
is incredibly relevant
and would overcome a lot of society's challenges today
if we lived in family,
whānau, community.
It says in the classical text,
probably attributed to Lao Tzu,
that the supple will always overcome the strong.
Bruce Lee framed it in a different way.
"Be like water."
Water fills up a vessel,
it goes through rocks.
The water will always overcome,
can always break through in the end.
It can be strong.
But in nature it's quite soft.
♪ Everything you ever dreamed of ♪
♪ Is on the other side of fear ♪
♪ When a boy is done lyin' ♪
♪ Then a man becomes ♪