be confident and authentic at the same time
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most people think of being authentic as revealing a lot about yourself if not
everything about yourself to others and people think often that being confident
is that guy or that woman who just says all the right things and looks good and
that who's that James Bond type and not only is that not really what confidence
and authenticity is it's a really bad idea or both of them are bad ideas so
let's just drop those right away first of all you've never not been yourself
now I did just do a video on persuasion and influence and being yourself and I
talked about what it means to be yourself and not be yourself basically
not being yourself means you're not congruent with your values your behavior
and what you say is not congruent with your values or they're not congruent
your behaviors not congruent with what you say but let's be really clear about
this let's take this a little bit deeper you're always yourself you've never not
been yourself you can't not be yourself where did where do you go when you're
not yourself so owning that is a huge step in authenticity so even when you're
not congruent even when you're not aligned with your values own it own that
you're not being who you want to be it's not about not being who you are because
your actions are a part of who you are but own that and you'll take one big
step closer to being more authentic when you think about it like that it's
actually takes more effort to be inauthentic than it takes to be
authentic being authentic being yourself that's really easy all you have to do is
just be you so being inauthentic actually takes a lot more effort and
when you think about it that way it'll start to make being authentic a
lot easier so when it comes to confidence people a lot of times have a
very unrealistic idea of what that looks and sounds like they might think of
somebody like James Bond they might think of somebody who is like a crafty
clever salesperson but the truth is if we ever met somebody like that somebody
like James Bond we would be highly skeptical of them we would be thinking
and something's not right about this person it works for the movies it
doesn't work so well in real life and then if you ever meet that crafty clever
salesperson you often don't trust them so that's not really what the kind of
confidence that you want before I get into how to be more authentic and more
confident when you're authentic I wanted to share a story about a friend of mine
who ran into a problem with being in congruent or not being sure what she
wanted she went to Hawaii and they're in Hawaii there's something called stairway
to heaven it's a hike that is a beautiful hike that is one of the
highest points in Hawaii and it was put there by the military around the around
World War two it's closed off to the public so you're not supposed to go it's
actually illegal to go there and there are security around there and if you get
caught you could be fined or you could be arrested now my friend is not from
the US she's from a different country and she was here visiting but she wants
to come back to the US and she has a vision of working in the US but at the
time she was with some friends and they all wanted to go to the stairway to
heaven and this was actually making her a bit nervous because she didn't wanna
get into trouble she's not a lawbreaker she doesn't like to break rules but yet
her friends wanted to go and she also identifies herself as being very
adventurous and spontaneous so her and her friends pass through certain areas
they weren't supposed to pass through and finally came to the stairway to
heaven and there was a security guard out there well as soon as the security
guard went out of sight her friends took off running to go to the stairway to
heaven to get the trail to go to the hike and she
didn't go she stopped and instead she went back to the village and she felt
really bad about this because again she identifies herself as being in a very
adventurous open-minded open-minded and spontaneous person and she didn't go
with her friends and do this height and she was explaining all this to me and
not feeling good about it you could tell she there was a bit of an internal
conflict here she wanted to go but she didn't want to get caught she didn't
want to get arrested and actually this could have ruined her chances of ever
coming back to the US because from the country she lives in requires a visa to
come to the US and this and then on her record was an arrest in the u.s. she
probably wasn't going to be able to come back over here I could tell she was
struggling with this so I wanted her to feel better about it and it was obvious
to me what was going on here she had a bigger vision she her vision is to come
back to the u.s. and work and live here legally of course and the possibility of
getting arrested getting caught on this hike could have killed those chances
could have wiped out her vision and she wasn't willing to give that up she
wasn't willing to go on that hike even though she really wanted to go and even
though she really identified with being adventurous it wasn't worth it to her
and this was all going on in her unconscious it wasn't worth it for her
to go on that hike and possibly risk getting caught and ruining and wiping
out her vision and when I explained all this to her suddenly she realized that
actually she was quite congruent with her vision of what she wanted and
suddenly it it alleviated the pain that she felt that internal pain that she
felt about not being not going on that hike and not being adventurous sometimes
we have to sacrifice or we have to do without or we we can't do something we
want to do because there's something even bigger that we want to do and this
is why it's so important to have a vision so when she realized that
actually she had honored her vision she was congruent with her vision it made
everything that she that she lost or then she didn't get to do seem okay
and this is what this is another reason why it's so important to have a vision
and people like to talk about it takes sacrifice it takes discipline and it
takes motivation blah blah blah yes it does but when you have a big vision and
you're connected with that vision that sacrifice that hard work that dedication
it's it's not nearly as hard because you know what you want you're very aligned
and connected with what you want so it's not so painful to do without some of
these other things so here's how it works have a vision have a big broad
somewhat vague vision for your entire life I say vague because you don't know
all the twists and turns that life is going to throw at you so you want to
keep it somewhat vague and so that you can respond and be flexible and
adaptable then have smaller visions for each context in your life now people
might say well how do I create a vision know your values your values or like
projectors for that vision when you know your values especially for a given
context it's like a projector it will help you create that vision it almost
creates the vision itself then know what behaviors that you will that you need to
do that align with those values and when you behave and alignment with your
values self-esteem and confidence or automatic that's where self esteem and
confidence comes from well a lot of people try to do is they try to pump up
their states and try to like manufacture confidence and that's not only not going
to work it doesn't last but it's actually a bad idea because you don't
want to be confident about things that you're not aligned with and you don't
want to be confident about things that you don't have experience with I use
this analogy a lot you don't want to be you don't want to go take one one class
on how to fly a plane and then have confidence that you can fly a plane then
that's dangerous you don't want to do that so have the experience to back it
up have that vision know and like I said use your values to create that vision
and then know what behaviors are aligned with those values that will will bring
you to that vision and when you behave in those ways like I said self-esteem
and confidence or automatic when your self-esteem drops or your confidence
drops that's when you know you're in alignment with your values the best
part about this is when you're in alignment with your values you're also
being authentic so it all works together your authentic and your confident and
you're moving toward your vision all at the same time when you know what your
values are and you're connected to them you can walk into any situation no
matter how new it is situations that would normally make you nervous that
would you would normally not feel confident in but you can always be
confident about who you are and how you're going to be confident about who
you are is knowing what you value so when you know what you value and you
know what behaviors align with those values it doesn't matter where you go it
doesn't matter who you meet you're always going to be confident about you
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