Hi everyone, I’m Moose,
and I don’t wanna get buried in the Pet Sematary.
Stephen King’s scariest novel is getting another shot onscreen,
and while fans know that a reanimated cat is far from the biggest threat,
there are few things more frightening than when our furry friends turn to the dark side.
Killer critters and perilous pets are a time-honored tradition in horror cinema,
and we’re here to help you put them down.
So, pet your pooch, cuddle your kitty,
and whatever you do,
don’t go down that road,
because this is
How to Kill Evil Animals
You don't wanna go down that road.
You go down that road, there's an evil cemetary that's gonna... No?
Now before we get started, I want to assure everyone that NowThis Nerd loves animals.
This is Will and his little kitty Katsu,
this is my sweet baby girl Vanilla Bean,
and this is Shane and his fake but no less lovable dog Render.
The thought of violence against helpless, adorable creatures utterly sickens us,
but when it comes to horror movies,
man’s best friend can quickly become his worst enemy,
so let’s start with some very
Bad Dogs
The poster child for killer canines has to be ‘Cujo,’
Oh my God, you're rabid!
200 pounds of slobbering, slimy, psychopathic Saint Bernard created by famous Corgi fan Stephen King.
After being bitten on the nose by a bat,
this junkyard dog goes rabid,
and traps Donna Trenton and her son inside their boiling hot car for hours.
Faced with the unpleasant prospect of a slow death from dehydration and heatstroke,
Donna makes a daring escape attempt,
and winds up bitten, bloodied, and back in the car.
Surely, King staple Sheriff George Bannerman will save the day, right?
Uh-uh.
Donna makes one last desperate escape attempt,
and thanks to adrenaline, maternal instincts,
and the possible onset of a rabies infection,
she bashes the Bernard with a bat, impales him on the broken stump,
and finally sends him off to live with a nice farm family…
Now, I’m not sure I would qualify Cujo as a bad dog,
from all accounts, he was a big old friendly goofus before fate sunk its fangs into him,
but Max from ‘Man’s Best Friend’ was genetically engineered for evil.
Dog.
After escaping from Lance Henriksen’s lab,
this massive mastiff lives out every dog’s fantasy.
Woof! Oh, shoot! Get this mutt away from me!
He swallows cats whole,
gets revenge on that pesky postman,
It's yo' ass, Mr. Postman...
and marks his territory with a stream of acid urine.
Pretty much the only thing Max doesn’t do is eat a car,
and it’s not for lack of trying.
Being bred for battle, Max is able to withstand damage that would destroy your average pup,
but a shotgun blast from his creator ends his tragic existence.
Once again, all the carnage isn’t Max’s fault.
Is he going to be a first draft pick for the Puppy Bowl?
No, but he’s only bad because he was bred that way.
If you wanna talk about a real hellhound,
look no further than ‘Devil Dog’
This 1978 movie stars a German Shepherd bred by a Satanist,
and sold to an unsuspecting family.
Unlike our other two subjects,
Lucky doesn’t need to get his paws dirty.
This possessed pup steals his victims souls and forces them to do his unholy bidding,
from setting fires,
to sticking their arms in lawnmowers.
After failing to put him down ‘Old Yeller’ style,
our hero learns that he can’t possibly kill the hellhound,
but he can imprison it for 1,000 years by holding a sacred symbol up to its eye.
So, now that we’ve finished off fido,
let’s look take a look at some
Feline Fiends
Aw...
Cats tend to get a bad rap as anti-social, aggressive buttheads,
but we all know they can be just as loyal and loving as any fluffy puppy,
Well done! Good boy!
at least in real life.
When it comes to horror movies, however,
cats are pretty much good for one of two things:
Providing fake-out jumpscares,
What is up with that cat?!
Is someone throwing it?!
and tearing out your throat with their razor-sharp claws.
Now, be warned, we’re about to talk about the book and the first ‘Pet Sematary’ film.
The new movie is making lots of changes, but still, if you want to avoid potential spoilers,
you may want to skip ahead.
When his daughter’s beloved kitty Winston Churchill, a.k.a. Church, gets splattered by a speeding semi,
Lou Creed has a hard decision to make:
Does he have a tough conversation with Ellie the finality of death and the unfairness of existence?
Or does he plant the body in an ancient Micmac burial ground and hope she won’t notice when it returns as a rotten, undead revenant?
Now, Church doesn’t directly kill anybody,
but he’s definitely an accomplice to the grisly deeds of his fellow zombie, Gage.
Creed has to undo the evil he’s wrought,
but before he can bring himself to send his son six feet under,
he tests out his method on the cruel little cat.
Using a big, meaty steak as a lure,
he injects Church with a lethal dose of morphine,
then steels himself for the even harder task ahead.
BE DEAD!!!
Now, if one killer cat is bad enough,
imagine what a handful a whole brood will be.
In the 1991 made for TV movie called ‘Strays,’
a colony of feral cats infests a peaceful small-town home,
and menaces the family that dares to move in.
We all know cats can be territorial,
but these cats from hell take no crap from their unwanted roommates.
Now to me, these little guys just seem playful and curious,
and honestly, for bloodthirsty killers they seem friendlier than a lot of cats I know.
I can think of worse ways to die that being smothered by a swarm of sweet little kittens,
but when push comes to shove and your back is against the kitchen sink,
you can bait the alpha into biting an electrical cable.
Our final feline fatality comes courtesy of ‘Uninvited,’
an ultra-schlocky ‘Alien’ ripoff about a cruise ship menaced by a mutant cat.
Well, actually, it’s kind of unclear what the hell the monster is.
Sometimes, it’s a regular cat,
but then it has an uglier, tiny cat living inside its mouth,
and on occasion it just turns into a grody puppet that looks like a reject from ‘Hobgoblins.’
Hobgoblins, Hobgoblins, what do you do with those Hobgoblins?
Either way, this cat is equipped with more than just claws,
it’s got toxic saliva that can melt your face off,
or cause you to blow buckets of blood out of every orifice.
Talk about a case of the Mondays!
Like in Garfield... Right? That's a Garfield thing...
Lasagna.
After slaughtering some spring breakers,
the Uninvited succumbs to every cat’s most hated nemesis:
Water.
Now, we know that when it comes to companionship,
humans aren’t limited to cats and dogs.
I myself have had hermit crabs, hamsters, and a little anole lizard named Bartholemew,
so let’s close out with a look at some more
Peculiar Pets
Haven’t you always wanted a helper monkey?
A precocious primate who can solve all your problems with their opposable thumbs and adorable antics?
Well, that’s exactly what happens to the athletic Allan,
after a truck accident leaves him paralyzed from the neck down in George Romero’s ‘Monkey Shines.’
His friend hooks him up with a cute little capuchin monkey named Ella,
after injecting her with brain juice to make her the perfect pet.
The two hit it off swimmingly,
bonding over sappy love songs and becoming best friends,
but, much like Homer Simpson and his monkey Mojo,
Allen is a bad influence.
PRAY FOR MOJO...
Thanks to her experimental enhancement,
Ella telepathically absorbs his master’s ill will,
and goes ape on everyone who’s ever wronged him.
She starts off slow, killing a bird that pecked her pal’s face,
but it quickly escalates, and before you know it,
this ticked-off primate is electrocuting Allan’s mother in the bathtub,
and injecting anyone she can with a syringe full of sodium pentobarbitone.
Jesus...
After telling his former bestie how he really feels,
Don't you love me? Yeah, I love you...
Allan lures Ella in with their favorite song,
sinks his teeth in, and shakes.
Now if fluffy bunnies are more your speed,
check out ‘Night of the Lepus.’
I’m personally deathly allergic to rabbits,
especially giant, carnivorous rabbits transformed by population control gone haywire.
These hopping mad hares quickly multiply like, well… rabbits,
and before you can say “what’s up doc,” they’ve mangled an entire mining town.
The last survivors lure the lagomorphs to a drive in theater,
where they’re massacred by the National Guard,
and finished off with a makeshift electric fence.
Our final example of animals gone awry comes from New Zealand,
in the 2006 horror-comedy ‘Black Sheep.’
There’s a lot to unpack here,
but the basic gist is that a mad scientist is hellbent on creating carnivorous sheep that can turn humans into lycanthropic lamb monsters with a single bite.
Got it? Good.
Soon, the ferocious flock is in a full fledged feeding frenzy,
but they’re still susceptible to the herding instincts of the humble sheepdog.
After dicing up the sheeploving dick who started this whole mess,
the creatures are corralled,
but without enough of the antidote,
our heroes are forced to resort to more drastic measures:
A fiery explosion, set off by the massive amount of methane released by thousands upon thousands of sheep farts.
Get out behind!!!
That’s pretty hard to top,
but we’ve only scratched the surface when it comes to ticked off pets.
From bears to birds,
alligators to Zoombies,
the entire animal kingdom is fair game for creepy cinema.
Now, we love our furry friends, and we would never, ever wish them harm,
but as far as horror films go,
sometimes… dead is better.