BEFORE WE GET STARTED, I WANT TO GIVE A SHOUTOUT TO MY GOOD
FRIEND LARRY WILMORE.
HE PREFORMED AT THE WHITE HOUSE CORRESPONDENTS' DINNER THIS
WEEKEND.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) >> Stephen: YEAH!
I AGREE.
HE REALLY STUNNED THAT ROOM.
PEOPLE IN WASHINGTON AREN'T USED TO SEEING TWO BLACK MEN SPEAKING
AT THE SAME EVENT.
(LAUGHTER) THERE WAS ONE CONTROVERSIAL
MOMENT AT THE END WHERE LARRY SAID THE N-WORD.
IT WAS SHOCKING, BUT IT DID LAY THE GROUNDWORK FOR PRESIDENT
TRUMP TO SAY IT NEXT YEAR.
(LAUGHTER) (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
>> Stephen: IT'S OUT THERE NOW.
YOU CAN IMAGINE IT.
>> Jon: YEAH.
>> Stephen: NOW, PERSONALLY, I THOUGHT LARRY GAVE A GREAT
SPEECH THAT DIDN'T LET THE PRESIDENT OR THE PRESS OFF THE
HOOK.
I'M CONFIDENT THAT LARRY WILL RECEIVE THE ULTIMATE RECOGNITION
FOR HIS WORK: NEVER BEING INVITED BACK.
YOU CAN WATCH WITH ME NEXT YEAR, LARRY!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) IT'S A LOVELY PARTY.
ONCE, IT'S A LOVELY PARTY.
I DID NOT GO DOWN FOR THE DINNER THIS YEAR.
I DON'T LIKE TO GO ANYWHERE ACTUALLY.
BECAUSE, A, NEW YORK IS FANTASTIC AND, B, AIR TRAVEL IS
A DRAG, AND NO ONE DRAGS IT MORE THAN THE T.S.A.
THE ONLY ORGANIZATION IN THE COUNTRY WITH A "NO SHOES, YES
SERVICE" POLICY.
THE UNITED STATES SPENDS $7 BILLION A YEAR ON THE AGENCY
AND THAT AMOUNT RAISES A FEW EYEBROWS.
SO RECENTLY, THE T.S.A. PROPOSED A NOVEL NEW COST-CUTTING
MEASURE: A PLAN TO SCREEN PASSENGERS FROM SMALLER
AIRPORTS ONLY AFTER THEY REACHED THEIR DESTINATION.
SMART.
THAT'S LIKE PUTTING ON A CONDOM AT THE BABY SHOWER.
(LAUGHTER) OH, THIS IS SO -- OH, THIS IS
SO -- SO -- THIS -- I DIDN'T KNOW IT CAME IF SUCH BEAUTIFUL
COLORS!
(LAUGHTER) HEY I'VE GOT A QUESTION.
ANY TECHNOLOGY PEOPLE HERE TONIGHT?
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) WHO HERE HAS USED BITCOIN?
YOU KNOW WHAT BITCOIN IS?
( APPLAUSE ) IT'S GOOD TO KNOW MY AUDIENCE IS
FULL OF ARMS DEALERS AND MURDERERS FOR HIRE.
EXCELLENT.
YOU KNOW WHAT BITCOIN IS?
BITCOIN IS AN ELECTRONIC ONLINE CURRENCY THAT WAS CREATED IN
2009 BY SOMEONE UNDER THE PSEUDONYM "SATOSHI NAKAMOTO."
OBVIOUSLY, A FAKE NAME BECAUSE, IF YOU UNSCRAMBLE THOSE LETTERS
OF "SATOSHI NAKAMOTO," YOU GET "TOM HANKS ASIA TOO."
(LAUGHTER) I ASKED MR. HANKS, AND HE DENIED
IT.
WELL, TODAY IN AUSTRALIA, OR YESTERDAY FOR PEOPLE, AN
AUSTRALIAN ENTREPRENEUR NAMED CRAIG WRIGHT OUTED HIMSELF AS
THE CREATOR OF THIS SHADOW CURRENCY.
SOME FOLKS ARE SKEPTICAL THAT AN AUSSIE CREATED THIS NEW
TECHNOLOGY.
ME TOO.
THE LAST THING AUSTRALIA INVENTED WAS THAT DUMB STICK
THAT COMES BACK AT YOU.
JUST GET OUT OF HERE!
GO -- AWAY!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) (APPLAUSE)
AND, OF COURSE, THE BLOOMIN' ONION.
(LAUGHTER) BUT TO ME, THE MOST PERSONAL
STORY FROM OVER THE WEEKEND WAS THAT RINGLING BROTHERS CIRCUS
HELD ITS FINAL PERFORMANCE WITH ELEPHANTS.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) YEAH.
I AGREE.
THE IDEA OF USING ELEPHANTS AS PERFORMERS HAD BECOME
CONTROVERSIAL IN RECENT YEARS.
THESE ARE INTELLIGENT, ENDANGERED ANIMALS, AND MANY
ACTIVISTS BELIEVE THEY SHOULD BE HOLDING EACH OTHER'S TAILS AND
WEARING TIARAS IN THE WILD.
(LAUGHTER) NOW, AS GOD INTENDED,
THESE ELEVEN PACADERMS ARE GETTING LET GO, BUT THEY'RE NOT
GOING BACK TO THE JUNGLE.
THEY'RE GOING SOMEWHERE FAR MORE DANGEROUS: FLORIDA.
(LAUGHTER) MAYBE THOSE ELEPHANTS CAN GET A
JOB AT SEA WORLD.
THEY'RE STILL WILLING TO DO WEIRD STUFF TO GIANT MAMMALS!
THE ELEPHANTS ALREADY HAVE THE SNORK ALSO, AND I WOULD LOVE TO
SEE AN ELEPHANT FIGHT SHAMU -- OR A CAPTIVE BREEDING PROGRAM.
THAT'S FUN TO THINK OF THE KIDS WATCHING THAT.
(LAUGHTER) MOMMY, WHAT'S HAPPENING WITH
SHAMU...
(LAUGHTER) BUT, I SAY, ELEPHANTS AREN'T THE
ONLY THINGS THAT NEED TO BE RESCUED FROM THE CIRCUS.
WHAT ABOUT THE PERFORMERS?
LOOK AT THE ABUSE.
THEY'RE LIT ON FIRE, SHOVED INTO GLASS BALLS AND DANGLED FROM THE
CEILING, TOSSED INTO CAGES WITH TIGERS.
AND LOOK AT THESE CRAMPED WORK CONDITIONS.
(LAUGHTER) FOR PETE'S SAKE!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) FACTORY HOGS HAVE MORE ROOM!
BUT THEY ARE DELICIOUS.