Geoffrey here in this video I'm going to show you why following the no contact
rule,
it may actually be a bad idea if you find yourself in a longterm relationship
and it really wants you to stay tuned to the end of the video because I'm going
to show you what you can do instead.
And this new thing has really worked for all my clients.
I'm sure that if it worked for all my clients, that'll work for you as well.
Now, in case we haven't met,
my name is Jeffrey and I help men and I help empower men in longterm
relationships or marriages with the right skills, with the right knowledge,
with the right mindset to be able to create thriving relationships for
themselves. So if you want more content, if you want more videos,
they can empower you to create this thriving relationship.
Then you want to subscribe to this channel and click the bell button as well to
be notified when I post new videos three times every single week.
[inaudible].
Now real quick, before we begin this video,
I want to let you know that a few spots have opened up for the free master
class.
I'll be hosting on the five proven steps to rebuilding your relationships from
the ground up. So if you want internet masterclass that interests you at all,
then you want to stay tuned until the end of the video for more information on
that. Now,
if you're struggling in your relationship and you find that your partner wants
to separate or that she wants MySpace or she wants to break from you,
you will most likely have heard of this thing called the no contact rule.
And it's basically when you're trying to avoid contacting your partner for
days, for several days, or even several weeks sometimes.
And the whole principle behind this,
the whole spirit behind this is that you want to make your partner miss you a
bit. You know, absence makes the heart grow fonder. Um,
you want to make our wonder about you, you want to make her think about you.
You want to make increase the intrigue and mystery and curiosity towards you.
Basically you want to make them feel a bit of FOMO, fear of missing out.
And I want you to know that. And you know when most coaches discuss this topic,
they're really discussing this topic in the context of the dating stages or the
early parts of a relationship.
And not really in the context of longterm relationships where there's a lot of
history, there's a lot of, you know, past baggage,
perhaps a lot of past memories and so on.
That might be changing the context of this no-contact rule. Now, you know,
this might seem like a small difference,
but this actually makes a massive difference.
The first thing you need to understand is that you know,
in relationships people are always forward looking.
So if you feel good about the future of a relationship,
if you feel positive about it, if you can dream about it,
you can think about it in positive terms,
then your feelings about your relationship with this person and will also be
positive in the present time.
And the second thing you have to understand too is that when it comes to guiding
your future, you're using your past memories,
your past history with that person to guide your idea or your picture of the
future. So again, two things.
How you feel about your relationship today will depend on your picture of the
future and your picture of the future of your relationship will depend on the
memories you have, the past you have with that person.
And I think that when you try to look within and actually analyze this yourself,
that is really the mechanics of how you feel about your relationship today as
well. So in the context of dating or in the early stages of relationship,
what happens is there's not really much history to go by.
You guys just met your just began. So whatever you do today,
whatever actions you take today will have a much greater impact in creating
those early memories of you and your relationship. Right?
So if you find at this point moment that your partner is going cold and going
distant and you play the no contact rule, then your no contact action,
that's the only thing she can go by and indeed that will increase the level of
mystery that will increase the level of intrigue and the level of curiosity for
your,
perhaps she'll miss you more and wonder about you more and think about you more
and so on, which is great,
but let's see how the story changes as you move from the dating phase of the
early stages of relationship to where where you are now,
maybe where you're married for multiple years together for multiple years or
even multiple decades sometimes. Now when you're in a longterm relationship,
there's a lot more past memories to go by. Past hurts,
past pains and so on that you have to go by and let's face it,
when your punter wants a separation,
usually the past here is more bad than good.
It's more pain than pleasure because if there's more pleasure or good than
pain or the bad stuff,
then your partner wouldn't be wanting a separation in the first place.
So when you give your partner the no contact, all you're doing is five things.
Number one, you are letting her relive all the memories of the past,
all the pains of the past. And as we talked about earlier,
the pains of the past is what we'll paint the picture for her of what the future
would look like and what the future looks like.
We'll paint the picture of how she feels about your relationship today.
So if you simply play the no contact rule and you simply want to make her miss
you, make her want to wonder about you, to think about you. Yes,
she's going to think about you,
but she's going to think about you within the context of your past.
She says you're going to relive all those memories instead of the no contact
rule being as positive thing for you.
You can end up backfiring on you pretty hard.
And number two is that you also can show her that you don't really understand
the problem if you're playing the no contact rule and playing a loof and trying
to treat this as if you're dating. Again, when you're doing this,
you may be showing her that you have no idea how much pain and hurt you've
caused her and it was just kind of pretending like the problem doesn't even
exist here. Which brings me to number three,
which is that you're not really interested in resolving or changing the nature
of the issue as well, that you don't even know the problem exists. And so this,
if you don't know the problem exists,
you don't really know what to change in the first place.
The fourth thing that it can show her is that you're trying to play this hard to
get game, this power game, this mind games with her,
it's mine chicories and that can seem pretty childish as well.
And the fifth thing is that you may be implying that you're blaming the
separation on her.
That is her being difficult and is her being a difficult one being the tough one
that's wanting to separation in the first place and that she needs to come to
you before you can do anything about it before you were willing to do anything
about that and the truth here is that she doesn't need to miss you if you're in
a longterm relationship and your partner wants to separate or one space from
you,
the last thing you need is to play this game where you're trying to make her
miss you. Instead what she needs is to see a reason, a different use of that.
She can picture this brighter future than what she's experiencing now because
again,
the reason why she wants to separation right now is that she cannot paint a good
picture of the both of you in the future and the reason why she can't paint a
good picture for the both of you in the future is because of the past.
She's using the past as a guidance to what the future will look like.
But if you can show her that you have changed, that you can resolve things,
then you can change that cycle.
You can change that pattern to where now she no longer thinks the past equals
the future.
She now she thinks the future can be different because this person is different.
Now am I saying that you need to go to the other extreme where you're
continuously begging and pleading to your wife that you want her to come back
and so on? Not at all. I'm not saying we should go to the other extreme.
The other extreme is also a bad because that's when you're needy,
you're desperate, and you're just going to show her that you're,
you can get unhinged very easily and are very stable. You're not very, you know,
a good partner to be with in longterm.
And the real answer here is that you need to find this balance,
this middle ground between being too pushy and too needy.
So how do we actually find this balance? This is two parts.
So the first thing you want to do is to let your partner know simply that your
door is open, that she's welcome to come in at any time,
but you don't want to do this just however you want.
Do this by saying four things. One,
simply start by acknowledging to your partner that you respect her desire to
separate to one space and so on. Just acknowledge that.
Second part is you want to acknowledge your responsibility and your commitment
to bettering yourself.
The number three is you want to express your paranoia in terms of praise and
trust. And then number four is you want to simply leave the door open.
So what do we mean by this? How does this four steps look like?
So it might look like you saying this, Hey honey, look, I get it.
You want a separation? I get that. I just want you to know that I'm, you know,
I realized that what I've done wrong,
I've realized the mistakes I made and I'm committed to bettering myself.
No matter what the outcome is here, no matter what you choose to do,
I'm still committed to bettering myself. Now, you know,
I know that you're observant.
I know that you can see people's changes when they make them and I trust that
when I do make my changes that you will see that my changes are real and they're
permanent and you know you'll make the right decision when you see my changes.
I just want you to know in the meantime that my door is open and that you can
come in and talk to me about anything, about our relationship,
anytime that you want and why does this script work so well?
There's four reasons there. Number one is shows your genuineness.
She knows at this point that whatever issues you're having that is causing her
to want to separate, can not be fixed in the short term.
She knows this and by you not trying to trick her or trying to say something
that tries to fix the problem immediately. Instead you're saying, look,
I know the problem isn't with me.
Let me look within to figure out what the problem is and to for me to better
myself. You're showing your genuineness gender. Isn't that your attempt,
your motivation for wanting to better yourself as genuine.
You're not just trying to trick her into coming back.
You actually generally trying to find what you can do better so that you can
create a better relationship with the two of you and that becomes more
believable in her eyes. Number two is that it shows your commitment.
It makes your intentions very clear in that you're not here to blame,
you're not here to point fingers, you're not here to tell her her is her fault.
You're completely looking within here to say, look,
I know part of this is my fault and I'm willing to confront that.
Take responsibility for that and actually do something about it and actually
commit myself to this relationship to you to make this better for us in the
future. And number three,
you know when we talk about the praise and trust portion,
when we say for example, Hey, I know you're really observant,
I know you can see people's changes and I trust that when I do make my changes
you will be able to see it as well.
You are inviting and planting that seed and it kind of challenging her bit to
see or changes to be curious about your changes. And number four,
this one's very important is that it lets her know that the ball now is in her
court. You have expressed what you're going to do.
You're going to be focused on bettering yourself, on working on yourself.
In the meantime, you're simply opening your door and letting her know that, Hey,
now it's on you to actually come in the door and let me know when you're ready
to come in the door and talk to me and have a conversation again and maybe not
separate anymore.
And the fourth thing is important and finding that balance because this is when,
once you say this four part script, this is when you can really sit back,
work on yourself, work on bettering yourself, learn new skills,
learn new ways to communicate with her to better yourself and simply wait for
her to reach out to you. And so this is the part when you're being non-pushy,
you're putting the ball in her court so you're not having the need to always
constantly ask yourself, do I need to reach out to her now?
Do I need to reach out to her now? No, you've opened your door.
She will come in when she is ready to come in.
She will reach out to you when she's ready to reach out to you. In the meantime,
all you have to do is just sit back,
relax better yourself and wait for her to reach out to you.
And when she does reach out to you,
then that's when you can use all the new skills that you've learned.
When you're trying to better yourself, that's when you can show your excitement,
your enthusiasm to spend time with her, to talk to her, to listen to her,
to discover more about what went wrong,
and this is how you avoid that being cold fish and the spectrum.
Because whenever she does reach out to you,
you're showing her that you're excited, you're ready to talk.
You are a changed person, that you're a different person,
that you're giving her reasons to think of why the future can be different than
the past. So for example, you want to show you that you care.
You want to show your enthusiasm, your excitedness to discover more,
to learn more about her point of view,
to understand the past hurts and the past pains a bit better.
You want to show her that you can lead the conversations,
actually dig deeper to figure out what is the root cause of the issues.
What is the root pains that you may not have figured out before you want to show
her that you want to and you can understand her on a deeper level,
much deeper than what you could have done in the past.
You want to show her that you can discuss difficult topics and actually come up
with good solutions by understanding first and then coming to a win win solution
together.
And you want to show her first and foremost that you are capable of massive
positive change again to show her that the past doesn't always have to equal the
future. Now at this point,
this whole concept of bettering yourself may seem very vague for you at this
point. I mean what does it mean to better yourself anyway?
It's to become richer, to become more Jack, to become more muscular,
like what does it actually mean?
And you might also find that if you say these four things that I told you to say
that she might resist you,
that she might still give you issues and still be suspicious and resistant to
whatever you have to say as well. The truth is that this process is very,
very nuanced as you can imagine.
So if you want to learn more about the exact steps that you need to take to
rebuild a relationship,
the exact skills you need to learn to better yourself during this part of
separation,
then you want to join my free masterclass and the five proven steps to
rebuilding your relationship from the ground up.
And in this masterclass you will learn the exact process that all my students
have used to get away from divorce, get away from separation,
and actually rebuild their relationship to something that's thriving.
You will learn how to simplify the problems in your relationships so that you
don't have to think about a thousand things anymore to fix your relationship.
Instead, you only need to think about the one thing, the one important thing,
the one next step that you need to take to be able to rebuild a relationship and
invite her back in.
And I'm also going to show you some mindset shifts in this masterclass that can
allow you to completely change your approach, change your paradigm,
and change the way you look at your relationships today.
They will change you actually for the better.
So this master class sounds interesting to you.
I want you to click the link above my head or the link in the description box
below this video or in the comments below as well.
And if you're looking for a free resource that can help you lead conversations
better lead interactions better with your partner,
you know the interactions that never ever leads to an argument and the
interaction that always creates more safety creates more deeper emotional
connection so that you can invite your partner in to come closer to you.
Then you also want to download the free guide I have for you and it's Christian
box below this video or above my head right now and if you're looking for a
community where you can post your questions and actually get good advice on
those questions from other members of the community or myself,
then you want to join my free Facebook group where you can do exactly that and
get the support that you need during this difficult time.
If you want to join that Facebook group.
The link is also in description box below this video. In the meantime,
I do want you to leave a comment below on what did you find most insightful or
most eyeopening in this video. Let me know your thoughts.
I would love to hear from you, and if you found this video helpful,
go ahead and like it and subscribe to this channel for more content like this
one. In the meantime, I do want you to watch this,
two other videos to recoup you with the right skills and knowledge to be able to
understand what to do in your relationship and to make it thrive.
In the meantime, I will see you in the next video.