- [Narrator] People can be a lot.
They can be helpful, caring, and sympathetic,
but sadly they can also be destructive,
invasive, and hurtful.
Boundaries need to be set.
Boundaries can be words of warning,
not giving someone your time, your attention
to influence your emotions
or not giving people material goods or money.
Boundaries can be set with everyone and anyone
but these are seven types of people
you need to set strong boundaries with
starting with gossipers.
Sharing a secret with a friend
may feel like it'll bring the two of you closer
but sometimes the little things our friends whisper to us
are not just harmless secrets.
Sometimes our friends can be nasty and ruthless
when it comes to the reputation of other people.
It might seem like fun now,
but the gossiper, whether they're a childhood friend,
a work acquaintance, or a family member
has a burning desire to tell people the things they know
or think they know.
Often it just comes across as them making conversation
or sharing something they feel may be relevant to you.
Evolutionary psychologist Robin Dunbar
explains the purpose of gossip in his 2004 article
published in "Review of General Psychology."
According to his findings, two-thirds of conversation time
is spent discussing social topics.
In other words, a large portion
of what we talk about with our friends
has to do with other people.
It can seem innocent, but pay attention to the tone they use
and the way they speak about other people.
Imagine what it might be like
if they were talking to someone else about you.
Boundaries need to be set with this person
as a lot of the time,
what they say might not be true or potentially embellished.
There's a strong possibility
that if gossiping is a habit for them,
they will gossip or have already gossiped about you.
Attention seekers.
The attention seeker
is someone who either needs to be seen, heard,
or spoken about as often as possible.
There is a wide range of behaviors
that people might refer to as attention seeking.
A lot of it is most likely innocent,
but sometimes attention seeking can be disruptive.
We all know the story of the boy who cried wolf.
The story is still relevant
because we all know or have known someone
who cries wolf for attention.
People who are known as attention seekers
can hurt their own reputations
through their attention seeking, so why would they do it?
A 2011 study by C. Nathan Dewalla and colleagues
published in "Personality and Individual Differences"
found that narcissists do typically engage
in attention-seeking behavior.
However, this does not necessarily mean
that all attention seekers are narcissists,
but narcissism could be a potential explanation.
Histrionic personality disorder is another disorder
that could potentially exist in an attention seeker.
When setting your boundaries with attention seekers,
make sure there isn't something deeper at play.
If you are in the position to do so,
be a good friend towards them
rather than completely avoiding them.
Don't brush off suicide attempts or suicidal comments
as attention seeking.
There are instances of the suicidal individual
referring to their own actions as attention seeking
as a way of avoiding consequences or scrutiny
but if attention-seeking comes in the form of bullying,
narcissistic behavior, or as offensive to your core beliefs,
you need to set those strong boundaries.
Victim mentality.
The world is full of many, many tragedies
and sometimes we find ourselves
running into a string of unfortunate circumstances
but there are people who seem to only ever talk
about how the world is against them.
It's easy to see potential reasons
for why someone might learn this behavior.
When we go to our friends for support,
they try to make us feel better.
This love and attention feels good
and so it's understandable
that someone might subconsciously take that route
to attention every time.
Unlike the attention seekers just mentioned,
people with a victim mentality appear markedly sadder.
Setting boundaries with your friends
who have a victim mindset can be difficult.
After all, it's a privilege to have friends
who feel like they can talk to you about their problems.
Before you set boundaries,
make sure this person doesn't have a serious problem
that can't be dismissed,
but if they're constantly returning to minor problems,
it's probably time to set boundaries.
Encourage them to talk about topics that they enjoy.
Set boundaries for people who play the victim
for the sake of your own mental health.
Sometimes it can be infuriating
when faced with someone who constantly plays the victim
but it can be even worse for us
if we encourage that behavior by not setting boundaries.
Research done by Trine Heinemann and Veronique Traverso
for "Journal of Pragmatics" in 2009
suggest that complaints will remain fairly tame
until someone else engages with them.
Compulsive liars.
We've all come across that kid
who says obvious bragging lies
like, "My dad works for Nintendo
and he told me," blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Aren't they the worst?
Often these lies are paired with gossip.
Sometimes it's to create a better perception of themselves
and sometimes they lie for sympathy.
It should be obvious
that the things a compulsive liar says
should be taken with a grain of salt.
It's generally understood that pathological lying
in a clinical sense begins in childhood.
According to a study conducted by Katie Elizabeth Treanor
for the University of Wollongong,
it was evident that pathological liars
have grown up without a script or model
for securing attention and love
through healthy or socially accepted avenues.
Pathological liars who do not have a clinical condition
do it knowingly and specifically
as a means of deception or manipulation.
Only a professional can make the distinction
between someone with a clinical issue
and someone who is manipulative.
Enablers.
The enabler seems like a great friend,
perhaps even a best friend.
They seem to be the person you can do everything with.
With their constant reinforcement,
it's easy to think
that their support is healthy and necessary
but enablers promote negative and unhealthy behavior.
Enablers can be friends
who encourage you to drink or smoke
even when you're trying to quit.
While it might feel
like they have your best interests at heart,
they may actually actually be using you
as a way to justify their own poor life choices.
Research published
in the "Journal of Substance Abuse Treatment"
indicates that enablers participated in the negative actions
with the addict and even made excuses for the addicts,
all while knowing they were trying to break the addiction.
Boundaries with enablers are extremely important.
They're one of the few cases
where it might be completely necessary
to cut them out of your life,
especially if you have an addictive personality
or an addiction you would like to break.
People who constantly belittle.
Making your way through the world is difficult.
Having dreams and ambitions can be scary.
Almost everything we do
will be met with at least some criticism.
After all, no one's perfect
but there are people who seem to never agree with you
or never believe in your aspirations.
They may even talk down to you no matter what.
This is the person, be they a sibling, a parent, a friend,
or even a significant other
who finds a hole in everything you do.
No matter how thorough or experienced you are,
they treat you like a complete novice.
Belittling, patronizing, or talking down to someone
has only ever had a negative effect on performance
as revealed in a 2012 study
conducted by Sarah J. Gervais and Theresa K. Vescio.
It shows that the patronizer has a lack of faith
in your abilities
which is why it hurts the most
when it comes from someone whom you respect, love,
or are close to.
Of course, it would be difficult to set boundaries
with your boss or employer, but with friends and family,
boundaries need to be set
especially if this is occurring in adulthood.
People who make you uncomfortable.
These people could be the kind of people
who make odd sexual remarks, act aggressively,
or exhibit odd, possibly even
concerning physical behavior around you.
This is where boundaries are most necessary.
It should be noted that some people on the autism spectrum
may be prone to saying some odd or questionable things
that can come across as awkward.
That doesn't excuse everything they might do
but it is something to be aware of.
These feelings of nervous discomfort
can come from anywhere,
family, peers, strangers, or even employers.
Naturally, we try to avoid the people
who make us feel this way as much as possible.
Try to make sure someone knows about your discomfort.
This way you have someone who is aware of the situation
and is on your side if it's a friend or family member
who makes you uncomfortable.
If it's occurring in a work environment,
you can notify the human resources department
if the person has committed an offense.
We are all human.
We all have our problems
that can make us come across as annoying
or frustrating to others.
Remember to be empathetic
to those who can't monitor their own behavior
due to disorders or history.
There could be any number
of underlying psychological conditions
that can affect any and all of these.
However, some people really are manipulative
and mean-spirited
and will do these things for shallow reasons.
These are the people you have to set strong boundaries with.
Do you think you need to set boundaries
with someone in your life?
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All of the sources used for this video can be found below.