LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, TIFFANY HADDISH!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] ♪♪♪
>> WOO! THIS IS AN AMAZING NIGHT.
I'M SO HAPPY TO BE HERE. YOU MAY KNOW ME FROM A MOVIE
CALLED "'S GIRLS TRIP". QUEEN LATIFAH, JADA PINKETT
SMITH, REGINA HALL, AND ME, TIFFANY HADDISH.
NOW, OUR MOVIE MADE OVER $100 MILLION PLUS.
OKAY? I'M TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHERE
IS MY CUT OF THE MONEY? I HAVE NOT SEEN IT AT ALL YET.
MY FRIENDS TELL ME YOU ARE BIG TIME.
YOU BALLING, OUT OF CONTROL. I'M LOOKING AT MY BANK ACCOUNT,
HUH-UH. THEY WERE LIKE GOOGLE YOURSELF.
SHE WHERE YOU ARE AT IN LIFE. SO I GOOGLE MYSELF.
IT SAID I WAS WORTH $2 MILLION. $2 MILLION?
WHERE IS THIS MONEY? I DON'T KNOW WHERE IT'S AT.
I HAVE BEEN LOOKING FOR IT. I CAN'T FIND IT.
I WAS LIKE, MAN, DO I NEED TO FAKE MY OWN DEATH?
DO I HAVE TO TUPAC THIS AND THEN LIVE ON
TYLER PERRY ISLAND? DIDN'T KNOW TYLER PERRY HAD AN
ISLAND. BEFORE GIRLS TRIP I GREW UP IN
FOSTER CARE. I WANT TO THANK EVERYBODY WHO
PAID TAXES BETWEEN 1990 AND 1999, BECAUSE WITHOUT YOUR TAX
DOLLARS I WOULDN'T BE STANDING HERE.
SO THANK YOU. PLASTIC APPLAUSE I LIVED IN A
LOT OF GROUP HOMES. MY FAVORITE SHOW GROWING UP WAS
"SNL". IT WAS MY FAVORITE THING TO
WATCH. YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW DIFFICULT
IT IS TO CONVINCE A BUNCH OF BLACK AND HISPANIC KIDS TO WATCH
"SNL" OVER "IN LIVING COLOR". AND TRY TO CONVINCE THEM THAT
DANA CARVY IS JUST AS FUNNY AS DAMON WAYANS WAS A PROBLEM.
I GOT STABBED TWO TIMES N A BUNK BED.
I HATE BUNK BEDS THIS DAY. I DON'T MESS WITH THEM.
THEY STARE ME. THEY TOLD ME I COULD TALK ABOUT
THINGS THAT ARE GOING ON IN THE WORLD.
POLITICS, HOT TOPICS. HERE'S THE TRUTH.
I DON'T KEEP UP WITH THE NEWS LIKE THAT.
ALL MY NEWS COMES FROM THE BEAUTY SHOP.
I GET ALL MY NEWS FROM WHEN I GO GET MY HAIR DONE.
WHEN I WAS IN THE BEAUTY SHOP, WE TALK ABOUT CERTAIN THINGS WE
TALK ABOUT DONALD TRUMP, AND WE SAY THINGS LIKE WHO IS DOING
DONALD TRUMP'S WIG? HIS LACE FRONTS ARE LOOKING TO
HAVE CHAIN. HIS HAIR IS KILLING IT.
WHAT KIND OF GLUE IS HE USING? IT DOESN'T EVEN MOVE IN THE WIND
NO MORE. THAT IS A GOOD WIG.
WE HAVE ALSO BEEN TALKING ABOUT THE SEXUAL HARASSMENT STUFF
THAT'S BEEN GOING ON. HERE'S A TIP FROM TIFFANY.
THIS IS TIFFANY'S TIP FOR ALL THE MEN OUT THERE.
OKAY? IF YOUR THING IS OUT, AND SHE
GOT ALL YOUR CLOTHES ON, YOU'RE WRONG.
YOU ARE IN THE WRONG! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
WAIT UNTIL SHE TAKES HER OWN CLOTHES OFF.
THEN PULL YOUR THING THING OUT. OKAY?
[ LAUGHTER ] SPEAKING OF MEN IN THE WRONG, I
SHOT A MOVIE THIS PAST SUMMER WITH KEVIN HART.
KEVIN CAME UP TO ME AT WORK ONE DAY AND SAID,
TIFFANY, YOU HAVE BEEN TO THAILAND, CHINA, JAPAN, FLORIDA,
TEXAS, SAN FRANCISCO, LOS ANGELES, YOU DID ALL THAT IN ONE
DAY? I WAS LIKE NO, KEVIN IT TOOK ME
TWO YEARS TO GO TO ALL THOSE PLACES.
HE WAS LIKE REALLY, BECAUSE I WENT ON YOUR INSTAGRAM AND YOU
WAS WEARING THE SAME OUTFIT IN ALL OF THOSE DIFFERENT PLACES.
THAT'S WHY I CAN'T STAND THE INTERNET BECAUSE IT'S MESSING
WITH MY FASHION GAME. I FEEL LIKE IF I PAY GOOD MONEY
FOR SOMETHING I WEAR IT WHEREVER I WANT TO WHENEVER I WANT TO.
YOU MIGHT RECOGNIZE THIS DRESS. I WEAR IT ON THE RED CARPET FOR
THE GIRLS TRIP MOVIE DEBUT. EVERYONE SAID YOU CANNOT WEAR
THAT DRESS ON "SNL." YOU ALREADY WORE IT.
IT'S TABOO TO WEAR IT TWICE. I SAID, I DON'T GIVE A DANG
ABOUT NO TABOO. IT COST MORE THAN MY MORTGAGE.
BUT THIS IS A ALEXANDER McQUEEN DRESS.
IT IS A $4,000 DRESS. I'M GOING TO WEAR THIS DRESS
MULTIPLE TIMES. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
NOW, YOU MIGHT SEE THIS DRESS IN TWO SKETCHES TONIGHT.
OKAY? IF SOMEBODY INVITES ME TO A BAR
OR A BAT MITZVAH, GUESS WHAT I'M GOING TO WEAR, THIS ALEXANDER
McQUEEN DRESS. IF SOMEBODY INVITES ME TO AN ALL
BLACK PARTY, GUESS WHEN I'M WEARING.
THIS ALL WHITE DRESS. OH, AND IF A MAN ASKS ME TO
MARRY HIM AGAIN -- YES, I SAID AGAIN.
I HAVE BEEN MARRIED BEFORE. PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS SHOCKED LIKE
TIFFANY, YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE?
YES. I'M A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN.
I MIGHT GET MARRIED TWO OR THREE MORE TIMES.
I MIGHT PULL A ELIZABETH TAYLOR. IF A MAN ASKS ME TO MARRY HIM
AGAIN, I'M WEARING THIS TO MY WEDDING.
ALL OF IT. I MIGHT WEAR IT TO YOUR WEDDING.
DON'T INVITE ME. IF I DIE, WHICH I HOPE I NEVER
DO, I HOPE I LIVE FOREVER. IF I DIE AND EVEN IF I BECOME
FAT AS HELL GUESS WHAT GOING TO BE LYING ON TOP OF MY FAT ASS
BODY IN THAT CASKET? THIS DRESS.
NOW, IF SOMEBODY INVITED ME TO A BAPTIST CHURCH AND THEY SAY THEY
WANT ME TO PARTICIPATE IN THE PRAISE AND WORSHIP DANCE OH, I'M
WEARING THIS DRESS TO THE CHURCH AND I'M GOING TO DANCE MY BUTT
OFF, BUDDY. AND I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU HOW
I'M GOING TO DO IT. BAND, KICK IT.
♪♪♪
YEAH, WE ARE GOING TO HAVE A GREAT SHOW TONIGHT.
TAYLOR SWIFT IS HERE. STICK AROUND.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK: I'M TIFFANY HADDISH.